Compression Stockings: Tourniquets from Hell. Aka: Spanx on Steroids

Ever have a cardiologist tell you your veins were incompetent? I’ve known morons that were incompetent and some men that were incompetent, and even some moronic men that were incompetent, but my veins? Scary.

One of my Bucket List items is the removal of some incompetent veins in my leg. For God’s sake I’d like to be able to wear a skirt in the summer without scaring small children. This is basically a sterile way of saying my leg looks like someone beat it with a Louisville Slugger. Now, because I am prone to exaggeration, I will tell you that it’s really not that bad – so maybe not a Louisville Slugger – a Sur La Table meat tenderizer, perhaps.

Welcome the endless cardiologist visits to Huntington Medical Group on Long Island, New York. Because after all, if you’re going to have cardiology issues, what better place to go than a town apply named similarly to the sunny beaches of California?

But alas, no sun and surf in Huntington Medical Group, just sunny receptionists and a very knowledgeable cardiologist who explained why my vein is as useless as a soggy balloon animal. And that before surgery I have to try a “compression stocking.”

Have you ever tried to put on a compression stocking? What about a tourniquet? Tried a tourniquet?

A compression stocking isn’t like anything you’ve ever stuffed your body into before. Picture Spanx on steroids. Then make it tighter. Apparently compression stockings are supposed to squeeze the life out of you so much so that it forces any remaining body liquids back up to your heart. This can’t possibly be good, but the insurance company thinks it’s fabulous. Probably because they’ve never tried to wear tourniquets.

So I sat on my bathroom floor with what I thought was going to be a helpful pile of sturdy nylon, when in reality it was a torture device that terrorists use in order to bring on sudden panic attacks of the likes of which no war hero has ever seen before. After struggling with the thing for a good ten minutes, I was only able to get it up to my knee. At that point I felt like a surgeon was going to bust into my bathroom and sever my leg. I had to remind myself that I’m not diabetic and my leg is fine, but nervous panic sweat kept popping out on my forehead.

Most nylon-wearing folks already know that with typical stockings, you can stretch them open enough to pull them up your leg, then insert your other leg into the remaining stocking hole. With compression stockings, you can’t do that. You can’t “spread” them or stretch them because they’re already tight as hell. In fact, I’m pretty sure if you looked up “tight as hell” in the Urban Dictionary, there would be a picture of compression stockings. And possibly a secondary image of me on the bathroom floor covered in a panic sweat.

Can you imagine paying $60 for nylons that do nothing better than send you to a psych ward? And to think that psych wards would wrap people in arm-tight jackets. No wonder patients rarely recovered. I know the Kings Park Psychiatric Center in Kings Park, New York is closed, but I would still consider checking around the decaying closets for any remaining compression stockings. Needless to say, I had to rip mine off before my mind punctured the barrier between sane and schizoid.

And unfortunately I now have the “privilege” of explaining to the cardiologist that the compression stockings are about as competent as my vein.

Have you ever had a celebrity encounter?

I ran across a funny post about celebrity encounters while searching StumbleUpon. I’ve only had two interesting celebrity encounters:

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1.) I was walking on Lexinton Ave. in New York City years ago when I’m pretty sure Julianna Margulies – during the height of her E.R. days – passed me on the sidewalk. My face must have shown recognition because her eyebrows rose in an “Oh shit,” fashion from behind her sunglasses.

At that point I just smiled; I didn’t want to disturb her peace. When she realized I recognized her but wasn’t going to say anything, she calmed, smiled at me purposely and walked by. Nothing too monumental, but considering most celebrities don’t even acknowledge other people, it was nice to know she was paying attention. You’re welcome, Julianna.

2.) Back in the ’90s there was a freestyle group called “TKA.” They were HUGE and one of the small clubs on Long Island, New York, was actually able to book the group. One guy started chatting with me as I stood at the bar with a friend. In typical “me” fashion, I didn’t believe a word he said when, “I’m actually singing here tonight” came out of his mouth.

I must have given him my usual skeptical eyebrow raise because he added, “Hold on…” then disappeared. I figured like most club guys, he was gone – moving on to the next honey in spandex skirt, pleather racing jacket and moussed hair. The lights changed and the MC announced the band: “Blah blah blah… TKA!!!!”  while scantily dressed girls screamed and rushed the stage. I still remained standing at the bar on the opposite side of the club, but now with jaw dropped, and laughing. The dude singing on stage pointed at me, smiled and waved.

Have a memorable celebrity encounter? Share it!
In the meantime, here are some more from other folks around the blogosphere…

Quote!

Being impressive is exhausting ;-P

My Art of Letting Go: How to Recover After a Breakup

There are suggestions all over the internet on how to get over someone. Well, after decades of falling through the cracks, I’m going to tell you how I recover. In no specific order (actually, the last one is my favorite):

Don’t Look!
Let’s say you were like me and were too stupid to not “shit where you eat.” My first suggestion is to “not look.” Don’t look for him (or her). Don’t look down the hall, toward his office, around the lunch room, at the nearby deli, by the water cooler or the coffee press. Before you leave your office, arm yourself with thoughts of your current project. Talk to yourself if you have to. Don’t look for him — because, Honey, he ain’t lookin’ for you!

One of the smartest things my friend, Jen,  said was – when I asked her, “What do you think he’s thinking?” – she said, “Nothing. He’s not thinking anything.”And there’s a huge possibility he’s not looking either. If your ex was looking at you or for you, you would know. The last thing you want is to repeatedly feel your heart break every time he’s not looking.

Strike Out!
For some reason I continuously have a problem with this one, but it still holds true: strike him off every list you’ve got – delete him. Remove his numbers from your cell phone, remove his email addresses so he doesn’t pop up on iMessage, G-chat, y-mail or Instant Messenger. Remove him from Favorite lists and “important” tags. If you’re not important to him, he should not be important to you. This goes back to one of my Lessons Learned: Don’t invest any time in someone who’s unwilling to invest time in you. The simple act of removing him from sight will help you forget him.

Tally Ho!
You’d be surprised how much it helps when you keep a list of things that pissed you off about your ex. Remember, the relationship didn’t work for a reason! When you feel yourself getting weak, whip out the list and read it again. Suddenly it’s, “OMG that’s right! I can’t believe he did that to me!” Tally the things you aren’t willing to let-go and let the dirty Ho go!

Do the Laundry, List
Your laundry is stacked high, the closet door is falling off the rails, your car needs to be detailed… How much had been delayed while you waited for Mr Ex to pull his head out of his butt? I can guarantee that tackling the laundry-list of chores will not only keep your mind off him, but it’ll help you feel more in-control. And once each task is finished, you’ll feel renewed and refreshed!

Stop Refreshing
Speaking of refreshing — stop it! Stop checking messages and texts, and definitely stop compulsively refreshing email to make sure his lame excuses didn’t download after turning your head. If you need a cell for work, make sure to look only at your work account.

Once the messaging is organized, remove all notification pop-ups for any social account that Mr Ex may have. So if a message does come in, it’ll be hours before you realize it. If he doesn’t make you a priority, don’t make him one!

Sight Seeing & Site Seeing
The classic definition of this phrase – Sight Seeing – is still a great way to spend your time when Mr Ex has left you high and dry. Make a list of places you always wanted to go, and go. If you find yourself stalling, think about this: what if you meet a real dreamboat while you’re sight seeing? So put on those walking shoes and go!

If you’re a real homebody: Site Seeing. Remember all those websites you bookmarked? All those magazines piled high at home? Now’s the time to blow off the dust and dig in. Make yourself a steaming cup of coffee, put on your favorite feety pajamas and read. There’s nothing that will stimulate and tantalize you better than education.

Bucket List
I want to rock climb. I want to scare the hell out of myself while folks cheer me on – even if it is in downtown New York City on a fake wall while there’s a line of wannabe climbers waiting. What’s on your bucket list? Are you tired of waiting for the right partner to join you in memory making? Don’t wait! Make the list! Start the research! Then schedule the day and go. For all you know, the experience may open another world for you. A new world equals new people. New people… you get the idea!

Host a Party
My parents never hosted parties. They didn’t have barbecues and they never had bags of wine bottles to recycle the next day. What kind of world is that? I’m not suggesting alcoholism – Lord knows I’m not – but whats wrong with getting together with friends and family? There’s no better time to catch up than when you’re willing to absorb the love from loved ones!

Reorganize
Your closet is overflowing, food in the fridge has expired, the garbage under your desk still has last year’s receipts… Now’s the time to clean out the old and welcome in fresh air and clean spaces. Figuratively speaking, removing the old, useless or rotting elements from your life sure does feel good, doesn’t it? And if you’ve made the move to discard the dating trash from your life, you may as well go the full gamut and clean your home as well.

After The Evacuation, my apartment contained piles of boxes and bags of useful goods that I didn’t want or need. It took months, but I donated and sold until my apartment was relatively clutter free. So forget the crazy hair cut after a breakup – get yourself to Target or IKEA and organize!

Medical Mental Dental Vision
There’s no better validation for your mental state after a breakup than to have trained medical professionals tell you, “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ll be fine.” Only recently did I realize that I make multiple medical appointments after breakups. Whether the symptoms are scary or not, it’s good to have an intelligent professional care and – quite frankly – tell me I’m normal. (Almost like an indirect, “It’s not you, it’s him.”)

Now, I’m not suggesting you waste time with fake problems. I’m saying if you’ve been putting off those heart palpitations or your eyesight is starting to fade, now’s the best time to take care of you.

Dating Sites
Match.com. eHarmony. Plenty Of Fish. I’ve had friends meet and move in with folks they’ve met online – it’s no longer tabu. From what I hear – and what I’ve been witnessing firsthand – you’ve got to stick it out for a while.

My babysitter, a 26-year-old introvert from Long Island, gave me her notice one fall day in 2013. When I asked her plan she said, “I’m moving in with my boyfriend, and he lives 30 minutes east of here.” Clearly her traveling would increase and she was looking forward to endless boinkfests, but I was shocked because she had never mentioned a boyfriend, let-alone moving in with him. But the need to research prompted my next question, “Where did you meet?” Match.com, she admitted. I was dumbfounded. I thought Match.com was a “meat market,” but apparently it still makes some worthy connections. If you can work around emails from questionable profiles, you may just meet your match.

Professional Profiles
Speaking of profiles. What about yours? LinkedIn. Naymz. I dont even know what other professional sites exist because I’ve been neglectful. But it’s good to get professional profiles up to par now – Lord knows you won’t want to do it when your own boinkfest* comes to town.

* Remind me to add “Boinkfest” to my own 1YearOfSingle Glossary.

You Better Work! Workout Girl!
There’s nothing more addictive than looking hot so your ex chokes on his own tongue that dangles from his slobbering mouth when he sees you walk by in that smokin’ hot new outfit. Don’t go for just a head turn. Don’t go for a measly stutter. I want you to raise the bar – hundreds of times in the gym – and make him choke on his own stupidity till everyone around him notices that he’s speechless and immobile. Yeah. That’s it.

Clean Out Your Closets
I would have put this with the “Organize” entry, but it’s got a little zest to it. You need to comb through your closets and remove everything that doesn’t make you feel like a million bucks. Chuck it. I don’t care if you’re down to one thong and a pair of heels from * insert designer name brand here * – because right now we need to bolster your ego, and yesterday’s period panties aren’t going to cut it.

Travel
The first time I traveled by myself I was scared to death. Sadly, it was only to Pennsylvania and I was driving an old Ford, but when I arrived at my destination I felt like I owned the world.

Two years ago, one of my commuter friends (we’ll call her Mary) came to me with a problem. She was alone for the weekend, her kids were away at camp and her husband didn’t want to travel. He had sunken into a slight case of depression from losing his job and was currently majoring in Couch Potatoing 101. From her description of the tension caused by his job loss, I could tell Mary really needed to get out. And away. She told me that she was supposed to attend a friend’s wedding upstate New York, but was afraid to go by herself. After describing my trips to Pennsylvania, she decided to take a chance and drive herself upstate – without her couch potato husband.

Weeks later I saw Mary during our commute and asked if she took the trip. “I did,” she beamed. “And I left my husband at home. I was scared at first, but I did it.” She explained that all her girl friends gathered, drank wine and laughed – all without their couch potato husbands. Apparently Mary had such a good time that she returns every few months with a bottle of wine so that she and her friends can have a weekend without the entire Couch Potato class.

Serious Series
Does your brain burn with questions after a breakup? Do you wish you could spoon-out your cerebrum and fill it with Silly Putty, just so you don’t have to think about what the hell happened to your relationship? Enter: Netflix and Hulu Plus. I felt like my brain was on fire after discovering McDreamy was really married. But Netflix and Hulu Plus allowed the derailing of my thought process. I’m not talking cheesy romance movies – I’m talking full-scale television series like Desperate Housewives, Gossip Girl, Glee, Mob Wives, The Walking Dead, Grey’s Anatomy, White Collar, and even Downton Abbey. No no – don’t just sit there and watch! I watched these shows while I cleaned, so my mind didn’t wander to Mr Ex. (The last thing you want is to obsess over an ex while organizing a lingerie drawer.)

Serenity Now! (Therapy)
God bless her little PhD soul. My therapist has worked through issues and is now helping me feel normal in serenity. Millions of us are raised in drama and chaos, so when our lives finally settle, the calm feels unnatural. Gone untreated, we recreate drama in order to feel “normal” again. If you feel like there’s an endless, uncontrollable amount of drama happening in your life, I suggest therapy.

Job Hunt
There’s nothing you can do if Mr Ex dumped you on the side of the relationship road, but don’t let your boss treat you like trash as well. Are you getting the salary that reflects your worth? Are you doing the job you were promised? If not, pull out the proverbial pencil, redo the resume and latch-on to LinkedIn, because you deserve more.

Journal
Journaling is the best way to say what you want to the dirty man whore without looking like a loser. Write it all down, let yourself go. Nothing is off limits and it will ultimately drain it from your cerebrum so you don’t have to think about him anymore. Did he get a lap dance from your sister? Journal it. Did you catch him licking the neck of a shot girl? Journal it. Is his dick the size of the score card pencil at the neighborhood miniature golf? Journal that shit. I’d say Blog it, but that’s my job.

Accessorize
I actually find myself accessorizing more after a breakup. I’m sure there’s some kind of psychological meaning to this, but I couldn’t care less. Just accessorize. And all that dangling and sparkling draws attention, and attention is what you need after attending a dry toast dinner in Splittsville. 

Hair and nails
So many of us cut our hair after a breakup. I’m not sure if that’s the way to go because after a few weeks I miss my locks. Better to get color and a trim, and spend the rest on a mani-pedi. The more “put together” you feel after a breakup, the more you’ll feel empowered. And the attention you’ll get from friends, family and co-workers tends to fill some of the void left by the ex.

Let the Music Play
Years ago I called this “Purging” because listening to sad music after a breakup would force me to cry, and crying would flush my system of negative hormones. Yeah, it’s actually a scientific theory. But it’s now 2014 and I refuse to give more time to any ahole who doesn’t give time to me. And for that reason I stock my iTunes with “F-U” playlists after breakups. Songs should empower you to feel better, not drag you down and feel sorry for yourself. And since this is one of my favorite breakup-recovery pastimes, I’ve dedicated space here on 1 Year Of Single just for F-U songs. Check it out… 

Do women who use vibrators make better relationship decisions?

I posted this months ago, but after having a dear friend spend more than a week in “She-Needs-Sex-Hell,” I’ve decided to post again. I don’t care if you’re female, male, gay, straight, crooked, clean, dirty, white, black, green, blue… You know you’ve done something or someone where in the morning you woke and wished you hadn’t. So basically I’m asking: If you had the release before the dating-decision was made, would the dating-decision have been different? In an effort to make the poll quick and easy I left the “vibrator” verbiage, but you get the idea…

I’m on Pinterest!

I love Pinterest – did you know it’s a virtual Visions Board? A visions board helps you zone-in on the things you want in life. It helps you to stay focused, positive and progressive. When you contemplate, research and post your desires on Pinterest, it forces you to concentrate on positive goals. Researchers say that concentrating on things you want – as opposed to thinking about what you don’t want – may help manifest those positive things in your life. So instead of thinking about your busted car, your infected toenail or your ex’s new girlfriend, concentrate on what you do want. Picture your most perfect day, find images on Pinterest, and pin! So far I’ve got “Baldwins,” “My Style” and a few others…

Jackie Pilossoph: 5 Divorced Guys You Don’t Want to Date!

Remind me to keep this in my mental “Wikibrainia.”
Jackie Pilossoph: 5 Divorced Guys You Don’t Want to Date!.

 

Mind Connection for Day Altering Sex

A virtual friend of mine decided that he hates everyone. He was so cranky and cantankerous in the description of how he hates everyone that it got me thinking, “He’s on the man-rag,” and I wondered what would make him feel better. Which made me wonder – what would make just about every adult in the world feel better? Which then funneled back into, “What would make me feel better if I was having a bad day?”

Sex.

No, not sex with any guy off the streets. (Quite frankly: I rarely find anyone attractive, let alone want their jolly-horse plunging into me.*) I’m talking sex with someone you care about. Yes. That was it. That was my answer.

I asked my virtual friend, “If you had awesome sex would it turn your day around?” His answer:

“You’re kidding right?”

Okay well shoot me for being naive, but after watching the first three episodes of Sex and the City I was interested in a little verbal research.

I thought again about what would turn around (had I been having a bad day in the first place) and my thoughts immediately went to one person. And a shower. Oh that glorious shower. And I was quite happy with my decision. A little too happy.

Let’s take a typical day with your asshole boss. Crappy right? But after entertaining your brain with scintillating scenarios of pulling the object of your affection into a utility closet for a bout of heavy breathing and suddenly the day is all sunshine.

So instead of the question being “Would sex make your day better?” It should probably be more like, “How do we find or even connect with someone in order to have that mind-blowing sex that does make our day better?”

Let’s take my last boyfriend, for example. You would think that a long-distance relationship would make me want to take to his bed for hours when we finally saw each other. Sure I was attracted to him, but I also occasionally avoided being kissed. I couldn’t tell if it was my exhaustion or if I was lacking the proper mental connection with him. A lack of proper mental connection won’t allow for the perfect sexual scenario or a brighter day. It’ll end up producing the kind of sex that may buzz you for a few hours, but will eventually wear off like the caffeine from the morning’s latte. Back to cranky and cantankerous.

What’s really needed for day-altering sex is mind-connection sex. If you’ve got a physical and mental connection with someone, it beats disconnected-body-bumping any day because your brain is stimulated as well as your body. And the affects of pleasurable brain stimulation can last quite a while.

The next time you’re in a crappy work-mood think about what would perk you up. Sure body-bumping is possible but it’s the mind connection that could be your key to happiness. And if you have happiness, you have everything.

-1YOS

* That’s a blog for another day!

The New Me!

I was thinking how bland my blog is without an image of me, yet didn’t want to actually post a photo. Enter iStock.com – I love them and hopefully I chose the correct copyright. After strumming through countless adorable and perky blonde girl illustrations, I gasped at this one. While my waist isn’t 14″ – God bless her little illustrated soul – I’d still like to think the likeness is uncanny. And so here I am, floating on my cloud of eternal singledom bliss… At least for another 8 months. LOL
– 1YOS

Favorite Instagram post of 2013

This just in, kids! My favorite Instagram post based on Jay Z’s “99 Problems” and jammed into the ever-awesome SomeECard created by yours truly.

A few years ago my screamin’-white boyfriend, who happened to love Jay Z, pumped up the music in his BMW and sang while whipping his head around in a typical questionable-sexual-orientation kind of way. The only thing I can say about this eyebrow-raising scenario is that the song was a great choice – even if he had no idea what it meant. During another argument over the phone he snapped, “Remember that song? I got 99 Problems but a bitch ain’t one.” Uhm… Okay. Thanks?

It’s been over a year since I’ve blocked him on just about every meaningful social network and I must say, this SomeECard-inspired Instagram post is still my fav. I expect to have some ups and downs in 2014, but that dick won’t be one! Whapang!

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Close Your Mouth, Cow-Girl

Dear Diary
Theres a cow chewing her cud behind me on my commuter train home. It almost reminds me of the first date I had with my ex-husband. What part of his mouth dangling open and food sloshing around in there did I find appealing? Oh wait, I didn’t. I do recall on my first date with my ex-husband, I actually made a joke about his mouth being opened when he chewed. His reply was something like, “That’s who I am and I’m not changing for anyone.” Apparently my need to fulfill my mother’s sick need to have me get married to this guy outweighed common manners… or logic, for that matter.

Thankfully the train is about to pull in and I can bid a mental adieu to our not-so-fair cowgirl.

PS> I promise to take a  photo next time

Happy New Year!…

Happy New Year!

Every year we hope will be better than the last, then all hell breaks loose. Last year I just braced myself and actually had a pretty good year. First ever. Though I cut out my parents and reconnected with the sister they had trashed. Seems decisions I make on my own are the best ones, after all. 
Peace & Singledom,
-1YOS