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Unhealthy Men Like Unavailable Women

1Yos
I literally wore this outfit today

Match.com leaves your profile online even after you’ve gone through the deletion process. I know this because years ago I deleted my profile and received the “your profile is deleted, but will be on display until…” reply. I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted the profile down immediately. If it’s still on display, it’s not really deleted, is it?

Match not only didn’t remove my profile when I wanted it to, but it continued to slam me with notifications and emails. I was then forced to change my profile to reflect that I’m no longer willing to be in the dating game, especially on Match.com. “This profile has been deleted,” I wrote. “Please don’t contact me.” Yet I was still slammed with countless emails from guys who either didn’t read my profile, or thought I’d be a fun challenge. Either way, it only proved they were mentally unhealthy.

Therapy_CanWeTalkI had a brief discussion with my then-therapist about this.

“If they’re trying to contact me,” I began, “despite me explaining the situation and vividly expressing that I’m no longer interested in dating—isn’t it really just revealing their unwillingness to get involved with someone who is available?” I asked. Yes, the therapist agreed.

“So even if their profile seems solid,” I continued, “I should probably still not bother because they’re trying to get involved with an emotionally unavailable girl, yes?” Yes, the therapist agreed again.

Hot damn, I thought, Men are just like us. They want to get involved with unavailable women. They may not even realize it themselves, we concluded. It may all be on a subconscious level.

Good God, I thought. I sat back in shock for a minute, proud of myself for the revelation, humored that I could finally see the Matrix, but dismayed over the reality of it all. Logically speaking, the theory actually proves that men who fight for their women are actually mentally unhealthy.

Soak that in. How many of us have wanted our guy to fight for us in some manner or another? So in essence, do we want them to be mentally unhealthy?

My mind was spinning. I left the therapist’s office feeling defeated. I thought about the MarriedGuy who went back to his unstable wife, “fighting” to make his marriage work. Sad, I thought, but good riddance. I realized that if he was willing to take-back someone who was that unhealthy, he couldn’t possibly be healthy enough for me. And I realized as my own self-awareness and self-assurance grew, the dating pool shrank. Significantly.

I crossed New York City’s midtown streets on my way back to work,  still thinking about how the dating pool was becoming nothing more than a dried-up puddle. The thought repeated in my mind. Unhealthy men like unavailable women.

In all honesty, women do the same thing. My friends and I clocked plenty of hours chasing unavailable men. So we can’t sit-back and say it’s just the men. It’s everyone. But that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it.

Unstable men like unavailable women. The thought persisted. I started wondering if the level of unavailability in women mattered. What if a women just didn’t want to get involved because she wanted to live her life for a while? There should be a difference between busy women and women who blatantly say “hell no,” right?

My solution is to find out. I’ve been researching all the things that I’ve wanted to do over the years, but never had time for. While my original “1 Year of Single” has been over for a few years now, I still want to use my 1-year, yet this time it’ll be 1 Year of Rediscovery. 1 year of rediscovering myself and things I love to do. Have you ever spent a specific amount of time purposely rediscovering yourself? That’s what I’ll be doing. And I guarantee, it won’t include spending time on Match.com.

xoxo
-1Yos

 

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1000 Followers!

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1000 Instagram followers today! Thank you so much to all of you who follow, post, reply, laugh, forward and repost. Thank you!! 👍❤️

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Feel Special

2015/01/img_1314.jpg Your relationship should be one where you feel liked and appreciated. Of course this is not a constant, and there are fluctuations in all things, but if your partnership depresses you or you’re constantly searching for affection, it’s probably not the relationship you should be in.

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Live your own life

2015/01/img_1310.jpg If you return to a nutjob because your family wants you to, your friends don’t want anything to change, or your kids are scared, you’re doing it for them, not you. Life your life. They have their own.

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Best Advice

2015/01/img_1063.jpg The best way to be happy with someone who doesn’t want you is to move on.

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The feeling you get…

2015/01/img_1062.jpg For all of you who are going through hell right now, this one is for you!

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Don’t Waste Your Time… More

2015/01/img_1010.jpg No one is perfect, especially when I’ve gone through the hell of dealing with a cheater. So when I finally reach the point when I’m ready to pull the plug, I can’t help but think, “Should I mess with the jerk a little? Inject a little paranoia and guilt? or just cut him loose? While I always toy with scenarios of how to make his life the equivalent hell that he’s so guiltlessly made mine, I haven’t — as of yet — poured the time, nor energy into the revenge scenario. Why? Because the d-bag already stole enough of my time; I’m not gifting him with more!

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We’ve all been there

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/b3f/52627338/files/2015/01/img_0856.jpg This poor kid is going to be on a “Best Memes of 2014” show one day. But I’d wager we’ve all been there at one point or another in our lives, even if we’re unwilling to admit it.

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Choose Wisely

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/b3f/52627338/files/2015/01/img_0760-0.jpg Every decision we make has answers based in two choices: Happiness and Fear. Sometimes we fear happiness, and sometimes we fool ourselves into being happy with the fear we know so well. Let’s move past the confusion this year. Embrace the tough road if it leads to happiness. You’re not alone.

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My Birthday!!

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/b3f/52627338/files/2014/12/img_0703.jpg It’s my birthday! Lots of love, healing and recovery wishes to all of you on this day!! ❤️❤️❤️

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Clinging to the past?

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/b3f/52627338/files/2014/12/img_0450.jpg There comes a point in a toxic relationship where you have to choose YOU over the past. Sure you may have “invested time,” but what does that matter if the person you’re now with is no longer who they used to be? It doesn’t matter if they WERE or COULD be who you want them to be. If they’re not NOW, then they’re NOT. You now need to think about why it’s so important to stay with someone who doesn’t appreciate your good qualities.

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Positive While it Lasts

IMG_0360.JPG Sometimes posts like this make me want to scream. It’s not always easy to be happy and positive! Like someone posting it will make think, “Oh hey, you’re so right! Let me get on that right now!”

But honestly, when I put in the effort to stop myself from wanting to kick some asses, things actually do get better. And they get better quickly.

So here’s “the thing”: You can be miserable 100% of the time because you think “bad things are going to happen anyway – so why bother,” OR you can HAVE and allow yourself to enjoy glimpses of happiness while you have them until all hell breaks loose.

From what I can see, one of these scenarios offers happiness, and the other doesn’t. Your choice.

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Single Lessons Learned

IMG_0267-0.JPG A friend and I were discussing why I was meant to be single. “I really believe I’m meant to be alone right now,” I said.

“Why’s that?” he asked

“I’m clearly not learning some kind of lesson that God needs me to learn,” I mused. “It’s always got to do with a lesson. Ennndddless lessons.” I laughed. But I was still serious. Only at this point in my life I’ve been questioning if someone DID enter my world, would I really want to make room for him?”

Either way, I feel like I’m in a constant state of studying. What makes the universe choose one person to have something and another to not?

I was with some married friends this past weekend, watching them argue brutally most of the day. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. I couldn’t help but think, “Is this the lesson that I’m supposed to learn? That I’m so much stronger and better-off being single?” I breathed a sigh of relief when I returned home. After donning some poofy holiday socks, popping a bottled Root Beer, and lounging with my young son, I realized that if their route was my only other choice, I would indeed want to stay single.

What we need is a signal that confirms our lessons have been learned. Like, “Ding! Ding! Ding! Congratulations! You’ve achieved Level 8: Maintaining Your Self.” Sort of like a video game, when you reach a new level you get more weapons, ammo or more doors open.

“Ding! Ding! Ding! 1YearOfSingle, you’ve just discovered all your crappy romances were to actually help everyone else succeed in love!” Oh lovely. Well at least I know now. 😉 Lol…

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Your Life Won’t Suck Now

IMG_0059-0.JPG Sometimes it’s exhausting hearing people say, “You did the right thing.” Because besides not being involved in a toxic, unhealthy relationship, I’m forever alone. And while I love me – and quite honestly can’t think of anyone I’d want to break into my happy little reverie that I’ve got going – sometimes it would be nice to feel rewarded for tough decisions I’ve made with something other than “Your life won’t suck now.” Sometimes that consolation prize just doesn’t cut it.

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Happiness Reset

IMG_0797.JPG When It first really hit me that I was going to have to divorce my alcoholic husband, I went into a state of shock. I had put so much faith, hope and trust in him and our future that the realization of divorce hit me like a brick wall. But knowing I couldn’t erase the past or fix an alcoholic, I knew I had reached an important point in my life and one of two choices had to be made: 1.) Act like a victim and take the “woah is me” path that my parents hoped I’d take, living a life of victim, where my son would eventually have a heartbreaking life of similar dysfunction B.) Get the hell out, cut out the toxic people, find happiness and give my son a fighting chance. I chose B. Unfortunately not everyone has the strength to choose B. I still worry about my ex-boyfriend and his children, and how his choice to return to a toxic marriage will ultimately destroy him and his children. I do pray for them. But it’s a choice he made. And anyone who makes a choice like that is not for me.