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What the hell happened to 2017??

IMG_D4FBB95ECF03-1A few days ago my 11-year-old son told me I should think about getting a hobby. If I wasn’t so shocked, I would have LOL.

“Honey,” I said, “In the last few years, we’ve moved in with my boyfriend, I’ve broken up with myself*, then moved out from my boyfriend’s. I’ve had two major surgeries, you’ve moved schools twice, my job moved to another state, then I changed jobs. I’m exhausted.” Then I added thoughtfully, “I’ve only just started to come out of the haze now.” My son did an “Oh… true…” nod and continued what he was doing with no further interest in the subject.

I’ve always rolled my eyes at blogs and broadcasts that were titled, “Where have I been?” It assumes that every person reading their headline has been dying to know what happened to that blogger and why they’ve been absent. I doubt anyone really cared. If the blogger was actually successful enough, the question of their absence would have been answered by the public long before the blogger realized it was even an issue.

And still – here I am, thinking I should write a “Where have I been?” blog. No one cares. I don’t even care enough about the last few years enough to write about them. Lol > But what I can tell you – or what I’d rather tell you – is what I’ve learned along the way. I’ve learned so much. And I want to tell you about my experiences. Both good and bad. What worked along the way, and what didn’t work.

I’m so happy to be back. Ironically, after all of the shenanigans of 2017, I’m so ecstatic that I can simply call it a “challenging” year. It was probably the most difficult year I’ve ever had, and yet I only want to call it “challenging.” Why? Probably because the previous 45 years before that were what helped me get through 2017.

Let me tell you about it.

Welcome to my not-so-new hobby: 1YearOfSingle.

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-1Yos

 

*Oh, look at you searching for the meaning of that asterisk! Good for you! Well, you found it. I guess I should tell you what it means then?  Well, back in 2017, I had to break up with myself because my bonehead boyfriend didn’t have the balls to do it himself. My 11-year-old son and I were feeling completely unwanted, living in the guy’s house, and all the Talks in the world weren’t helping the situation. To add to the pile, he was lying to his daughters about us. So I had to shoot myself in the foot and tell him that it wasn’t working out. As soon as I brought it up, he said something like, “Well now that we know what the problem is…” I wanted to say, “No, dipshit – now that I had the balls to tell you that I already knew what the problem was.” I was furious! The kicker was that my son and I had just moved into his home after donating most of my belongings, and he was out cheating on me and telling his daughters that we were the assholes. The thing that hurt the most is that he brought my son into it. Trash. Complete trash. It pains me that his daughters will never know the truth. And yet, maybe they’re better off.
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Why I love gay men

I’m having an issue with a man in my life. He’s pulling some serious retro high school lies on me and besides validating my decision to remove him from my life, it’s reminding me why I love gay men.

Thats right. I said it. I love gay men.

Putting aside the fact that I can’t boink my gay male friends, I love them for one major reason: They dont lie.

“Honey, what are you wearing, it looks like you blended up five donuts and smeared them on your thighs.”

A gay man won’t let you walk out of the house without looking your best. If you look good, you’ll know it. If you look like poo you’ll know that as well, but at least you’ll know it before the whole world does.

“Honey, he is a straight up hoe. Ditch him.”

A gay man won’t beat around the bush (okay sure – pun intended). If the man you’re seeing is a lying man-whore, your friend will spot that sh!t with the fine-tuned radar thats installed in his perfectly manicured head, and he’ll tell you.

I could have used my friend, James, the last year or two. With the dramatic loss of a two-year boyfriend as well as the devastating disconnection from my dysfunctional parents, I’ve stooped as low as accepting scraps of affection from a guy who’s in the throws of his own drama. It wasn’t a good thing for me to be involved in, and I could have used some serious gay-dar, even if it had nothing to do with sorting sexual preferences.

Sure, you can try to make me feel better by saying the last year was just something that God wanted me to go through. But I’m not sure that actually makes me feel better. Quite honestly I’m in shock over the latest split. Im incredibly disappointed and saddened. Had my friend, James, been around, he’d say, “It’s about time, cause Honey, – you’re worth so much more than that.”

Now THAT I believe. And quite honestly I think the man in my life knew it too.

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Quote!

Being impressive is exhausting ;-P

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The New Me!

I was thinking how bland my blog is without an image of me, yet didn’t want to actually post a photo. Enter iStock.com – I love them and hopefully I chose the correct copyright. After strumming through countless adorable and perky blonde girl illustrations, I gasped at this one. While my waist isn’t 14″ – God bless her little illustrated soul – I’d still like to think the likeness is uncanny. And so here I am, floating on my cloud of eternal singledom bliss… At least for another 8 months. LOL
– 1YOS

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My DoucheLord Sociology Teacher

I had a sociology teacher in high school who was supposed to be teaching Economics. But since Economics was a boring joke to him, he’d constantly slip the entire class into verbal sociology debates. One day he went around the classroom asking each student what their prejudice was. As each student proclaimed what they thought would be well-debated by Mr. DoucheLord (let’s just call him that), he would actually rip them apart. For example:

Mr. DoucheLord: “What is your prejudice, Johnny?”
Johnny: “I really don’t like fat people.”
Mr. DoucheLord: “Oh really? What if the aunt who was raising you alone – after both of your parents died in a fiery car crash, who was working three jobs just to support you and your tacky denim fetish – had a thyroid problem and weighed 350 pounds? Would you still hate fat people?”
Johnny: ” !? ”

And so it went as Mr. DoucheLord went around the classroom crushing the opinions of each student.

Now, I was well-informed about DoucheLord because my sister already had her ridiculously fragile ego crushed by his antagonistic ways. But I wasn’t the same kind of girl. As feminine as I was, I was also the type to play catcher in softball and was willing to take a few hits for the team. So in typical me fashion, I dug deep into the recesses of my blonde brain and came up with a brilliant answer that I hoped would minimize the impact of his DoucheLord severity.

Mr. DoucheLord: “So, what’s your prejudice?” he smirked at me, knowing full-well I was the younger sibling of a previously-tortured student.

Me: “I have a prejudice against people who ask other people their prejudice just so they can crap on their answers,” I replied, with my own all-knowing smirk.

DoucheLord snorted, laughed, and replied, “Smart Ass.”

I won.

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Follow Me on Twitter

Hot damn, I’m on Twitter! Follow me and I’ll follow you!

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99 Problems, but a dick ain’t one!

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No idea what I’m talkin’ about do ya’? Then you don’t know Jay-Z.

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SomeECards: That’s some funny sh!t

I love the sh!t out of the online cards, SomeECards. Don’t be surprised if I bombard my blog with SomeECards (let’s just call them SEC). So what is SEC? If you’re having a sh!tty day and need a good laugh full of irony and sometimes vengeful wit, check out their site. You’ll be snorting across your keyboard in no time. And yeah, you can also make your own. Imagine what would have happened if Taylor Swift or even Eminem got a hold of SEC before their first albums came out.

SomeECards

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Jeannie, The Funtasian

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This weekend was awesome – partly due to my lack of concentration on men and partly because I did what I wanted to do: shoot head shots. Shooting portraits is so much easier when the model is stunning, like Jeannie, The Funtasian.

“I used to cover myself in mud to keep the mosquitoes off,” said the full-time mother of two who’s eccentric flair has endeared her to not only to the Long Island comedy scene, but to comedy aficionados the world over.

Jeannie, founder of comedy blog, The Funtasian, has this to offer on her new-found popularity: “Be honest. Be patient. Use Clarisonic.”

Thankfully there were no mosquitos Saturday, but the folks driving over the tracks were just as pesky. “You shouldn’t hang out on the tracks,” one wrinkly old codger suggested, “They’re live tracks.”

“Okay,” Jeannie said sweetly, batting her lashes at him. As he drove away in amazement that a hot model just spoke to him, Jeannie flashed her middle fingers in his wake. “I’m not a dumbass,” she laughed. “But if people keep stopping us to tell us that these tracks are live, we will eventually get hit by a train!”

You can catch up with Jeannie and her Clarisonic at her website, funtasian.com.

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I shot her!

The Funtasian

I just shot Jeannie, The Funtasian! I’m trying to push forward with my year of “me” and in doing so, I’m shooting more. I’m a graphic designer during the day, but I love photography and I try to freelance on the weekends. Making folks happy with a great shot is so much fun, especially when the model is gorgeous – like Jeannie!

We had an awesome photo shoot today: train tracks, gorgeousness, attitude and all – it was a blast. I’ll be posting photos this week, but in the meantime check out Jeannie’s blog, The Funtasian.

And here is a little teaser photo. What do you think?

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Workout

I need to beat something. When I was younger and stressed I would go to the batting cage and hit a few tokens of softballs. I’m pretty sure the cages are closed – and not calibrated anyway – so I may swing a bat when I get hime later. Or just a weight. In any case, its fantastic as a stress reliever and waistline buster.

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“Why Are You Single?”

After years and countless guys asking why I’m single, I’ve decided to tally the list of reasons why I’m single. In no specific order of romances, and often combined:

  • He was an alcoholic
  • He was bipolar
  • He was a narcissist
  • He stole credit cards
  • He smoked weed
  • He was on steroids
  • He heated on me
  • He was a little too much into surfing
  • He was too materialistic
  • He constantly tallied the finances of every one he knew
  • He talked too much shit about his friends
  • He was nasty to me for no reason too many times
  • He was married
  • He wasn’t divorced
  • He wasn’t sure if he wanted to get divorced
  • He went back to his wife
  • He wanted to go back to his wife
  • He went back to his girlfriend
  • He wanted to go back to his girlfriend
  • He wanted threesomes
  • He had no motivation for success
  • He was too obsessed with his job
  • He moved to Florida
  • He lived in Pennsylvania
  • He may have been gay
  • He never told his friends who I was
  • He couldn’t handle my psycho family
  • I couldn’t handle dating while still living with my psycho family
  • He had no backbone
  • He was too white trash
  • He wasn’t a good father to his own kids
  • He was unreliable
  • He disappeared all the time
  • He was a compulsive liar
  • I wasn’t attracted to him
  • He tried to father my son before we were really dating
  • He sweated in a very strange way
  • He was a self-declared womanizer
  • He didn’t listen to a thing I said
  • His mother was dying (she really was)
  • He didn’t like blow jobs

There you go! That’s off the top of my head. I started to get a very Jim Carey, Liar, Liar voice going in my head while I read the list. Sadly some of those are compiled issues.

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Dating Tip: Let Her Breathe

For the last few days during my morning commute the same guy has sat next to me. Decent looking guy, but he reeks of cigarettes. Reeks. I can’t imagine the length he must go through to get ready in the morning, choosing clothing, shoes, thumb ring, only to lay down and roll around in a bed of cigarette ashes before taking to his morning commute.

When he sits next to me I’m forced to turn away. By the time we hit our destination station, the smell is either nearly dissipated or I’m used to it. Either way, it doesn’t lesson my disappointment to have an ash tray sit next to me every day. Its not the smoking thats a problem, its his obliviousness to emanation of odor that depresses me.

People dont realize the value of odor awareness. The last boyfriend I had never smelled. He showered. He appropriately spritzed cologne. He was appreciated. (Granted, he didn’t appreciate me appreciating him, but thats a post for another day.)

So my Dating Tip for today: Be aware of your odors and rectify any stank you may have. Girls want to roll around on a figurative bed of roses, not ashes.

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Dating question!

Have you ever told off someone you were seeing because you were stressed out over an ex?

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A night of Softballs

I had plans tonight that didn’t work out. So at some point during the day I contacted my softball manager and told her that I was going to play our triple-header after all. It’s taken me decades to cater to myself, and that’s exactly what I did tonight.

My team is coed, and because I arrived at the last minute I was put in right field, – which doesn’t actually bother me because most of the guys hit to the outfield, and within the first inning I had already thrown out a girl at second base.

Tonight I decided to use my batting glove instead of going bare, and got a double as well as some pretty good line drives. The beauty of playing on the coed team is that most of the guys don’t think I can hit. I’m a long haired blonde, petite and short. I sometimes hit a homerun in the first inning or two just because the other team assumes that I can’t hit. It’s awesome. Unfortunately, after the first inning or two they back up on me – which is really annoying because then I have to drop it into a hole. Occasionally I’ll switch-hit, which really astounds everyone and makes me laugh. But today I didn’t bother doing that – I just waited a little longer for the pitch and eventually hit to right field instead of left.

During the games I realized that I forgot about the other plans that should have happened today, and the fact that they got messed up. When I was younger, I would have been continuously thinking about it, but now that I’m older I’ve been focusing on what I’m currently doing and I’m so much happier because of it. But it still amazes me that it took years to get to this point.

We ended up run-ruling the other team in both games, which was fine with me because I forgot to bring Gatorade and I started losing my vision. It’s a weird phenomenon that has been happening to me since catching in high school. Luckily one of the guys on the team had Gatorade and I ended up scarfing down his entire bottle.

After the game I went to Whole Foods and I bought myself a steak as well as a few other things that I’d been looking forward to, all the while thinking about how an ex asked why I was single. I’ve heard this before I met him as well. I think it comes down to this: if someone’s not treating me well, I don’t stay. This can be both good and bad because if the person has a momentary lapse in judgment I don’t really give them a second chance. I’ve tried to change that in the last few years, but it still hasn’t worked out with anyone. And I’ve also discovered there’s such a fine line between giving someone a second chance, and being abused.

As I stood in Whole Foods, I realized how happy I was to do what I wanted even though I was alone. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am now. But yet at the same time I still wonder when I’m actually going to meet somebody who’s very compatible with me. And quite frankly I’m tired of hearing “Why are you single?” when it really all comes down to the other person not being available or compatible.

This whole relationship thing is a lot like softball. You can try your hardest but that does not necessarily mean you’ll hit a homerun every time. What you should do is enjoy your time on the field. Enjoy the sunshine and the breezes that come through while you’re playing. And enjoy the friendships that you make along the way; sometimes those last longer than the relationship you might have had during that particular season.