I happen to be very fond – and quite witty – when it comes to creating words and phrases, and it would be Fab if you would check them out so you know what I’m talking about in this blog, 1YearOfSingle. They’re not in alphabetical order – I’m too lazy for that – and they get spicier toward the bottom of the list, so enjoy! Oh – and feel free to comment with your own, I may use yours one day!
Singledom: The state of being single, without partner or spouse, and without checking out every girl or guy in the immediate area to see who’s the most date-worthy. IE: “I just started Singledom, there’s no way I’m going over to talk to that guy at the bar. Even if he is giving out Jäger like it’s the zombie-apocalypse antidote.”
Dating-Challenged: Not having a clue, or feeling like you have no clue, pertaining to the rules or “normalcies” of dating. IE: “OMG he asked me out and I threw up. I’m totally Dating-Challenged.”
Game Player: The ex-boyfriend of three years who was very sweet, loving and kind until the third year when he unnecessarily started playing games to get my attention, then eventually threatened me with “I’ll ruin you” over email. No, as far as I know he didn’t cheat, he just turned into a very scary 12-year-old. IE: “He told me he was judging a Philly’s Best Body contest, and even after I told him that was cool and great recognition for his agency, he kept hounding me until I got pissed off and we got in a screaming match. Then he told me I was jealous. What a Game Player.”
Joe: A very good, mostly-virtual friend of mine who would probably be thrilled to know he has an entry in this blog glossary.
McDreamy: The guy I liked who went from being a great guy (“McDreamy”) to revealing that he learned a little too much from his “Master Manipulator” wife. I discovered he lied — big time — and had to end it. He still claims he never lead me on, despite elaborate tales of non-existent divorce papers that his wife refused to sign; never actually said, “Hey sorry for effing with you,” and still keeps an eye on me to this day. Even though he thinks I don’t know this.
Mostly-Virtual: The state of knowing someone mainly from geeky online forums, having only met the person a few times, but knowing them significantly from being on Instant Messenger or other texting device.
The Breakup Diet: Losing weight because you’re saddened by the loss of a relationship, or the loss of a possibility of a good relationship. IE: “OMG I lost another 5 pounds. This Breakup Diet is more effective than Weight Watchers.”
Jack / Jacked: When someone or something is messed-up, wrong, inconsiderate, unbelievable, damaged, etc. IE: “Don’t tell me that, it’ll jack my shit up!” or “I can’t believe that happened — that’s so jacked!”
Jen: Used to be one of my best friends. Sadly I’ve discovered she’s incredibly manipulative, toxic, and I had to cut her from my life. I enjoyed the time we spent together that seemed real, but unfortunately can’t keep myself in denial anymore.
“I say this with love.” What my friend would say right before she revealed a brilliantly funny, truthful observation. IE: “You’re totally in denial. He’s probably still living at home with his wife and you’re his little hussy on the side. I say this with love.”
The Evacuation: When I fearfully gathered friends at my apartment, packed my things, and left my alcoholic husband while he was spending the weekend with friends. IE: “I thought you had a vibrator – did you lose it during The Evacuation?”
Gafatch: 1.) Temporarily confused 2.) Momentarily screwed up or discombobulated 3.) Jabroni. Moron. Dumb-ass. Someone clearly in denial who needs to wake up and stop being a Stunad. IE: “OMG he said that? What a Gafatch!” or “He was standing there putting lotion on his six pack and now it’s all my tongue can think about – I’m all gafatch!”
The Undercover Asshole: A person who seems genuine, who spurs-on a friendship or romance with you, but ultimately has their own agenda and isn’t as concerned for the relationship as you are, thereby ultimately hurting you in the process. Typically we don’t discover their agenda until it’s too late, and by then they cut us loose without caring about the pain we suffer at their hands. IE: “She used to call me every day on my way home from work, then just suddenly stopped. Then I found out she was talking shit behind my back and I still don’t know why. But she acts like she’s so sweet, talking softly and asking everyone personal details about their lives. She’s such an Undercover Asshole. Just wait until it happens to them!”
Recovery Clock: The amount of time it takes to get over someone after a breakup. IE: “My Recovery Clock is about a year. That’s when I let the effer go mentally and stop wondering what happened and start realizing they’re a moron for letting this go.”
Day 1: The first day after a breakup. The wound is fresh, the healing process begins. This is when you should dig-in to this blog. IE: “Oh honey, this is Day 1 for you. You got to go home, but your feet up and crack a bottle, Girl.”
Flag: A “flag” is someone who doesn’t have their own opinion, never sticks to an opinion or belief, or just “flies” in whatever direction that the crowd or their lover is flying in. IE: “My ex is such a flag. He’s like a male Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. Just goes with the damn air flow!”
Effing: The politically-correct way of saying “fucking.” IE: “That’s when I let the effer go,” or “I’m so effing tired of his lies…”
The Crazy Italian: The guy I dated during a dry spell. He was a little bean-headed, but nice enough. He eventually went back to his ex-girlfriend, who was 10 years older than him and in the middle of her own divorce.
Bean-Head: The politically-correct way of saying “there’s something just not totally smart about this guy, but he’s covering it with confidence.” IE: “He told me that anyone without the shoes he has is a piece of shit. What kind of Bean-Head says that?”
Acapella: The state of being single on purpose. IE: “No thanks, I don’t need a date. I’m going Acapella.”
Healthily-Selfish: The state of maturely, continuously, staying on top of your own health and life, not completely allowing your partner’s wants and needs to overrule your own. IE: “Honey, I’d love to hang, but I’ve got a lot of errands to run today right after I workout. If I get everything I need to get done, maybe we can hook up tonight… Sure, I’ll keep you in the loop.”