The feeling you get after breaking up with an asshole…

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Sunday Horoscope – Capricorn

Capricorn horoscope for Oct, 27, 2013

You need to find an ally or a soul mate or a kindred spirit who can understand and relate to an idea of yours. If you have been doing some creative brainstorming, but you don’t have an outlet to manifest what you are dreaming of, then think about teaming up with someone who can grasp what you are envisioning. This is an excellent time to put that kind of creative mojo into action. Whatever you start now will have a great chance of garnering great success. But don’t put it off any longer, Capricorn.


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My DoucheLord Sociology Teacher

I had a sociology teacher in high school who was supposed to be teaching Economics. But since Economics was a boring joke to him, he’d constantly slip the entire class into verbal sociology debates. One day he went around the classroom asking each student what their prejudice was. As each student proclaimed what they thought would be well-debated by Mr. DoucheLord (let’s just call him that), he would actually rip them apart. For example:

Mr. DoucheLord: “What is your prejudice, Johnny?”
Johnny: “I really don’t like fat people.”
Mr. DoucheLord: “Oh really? What if the aunt who was raising you alone – after both of your parents died in a fiery car crash, who was working three jobs just to support you and your tacky denim fetish – had a thyroid problem and weighed 350 pounds? Would you still hate fat people?”
Johnny: ” !? ”

And so it went as Mr. DoucheLord went around the classroom crushing the opinions of each student.

Now, I was well-informed about DoucheLord because my sister already had her ridiculously fragile ego crushed by his antagonistic ways. But I wasn’t the same kind of girl. As feminine as I was, I was also the type to play catcher in softball and was willing to take a few hits for the team. So in typical me fashion, I dug deep into the recesses of my blonde brain and came up with a brilliant answer that I hoped would minimize the impact of his DoucheLord severity.

Mr. DoucheLord: “So, what’s your prejudice?” he smirked at me, knowing full-well I was the younger sibling of a previously-tortured student.

Me: “I have a prejudice against people who ask other people their prejudice just so they can crap on their answers,” I replied, with my own all-knowing smirk.

DoucheLord snorted, laughed, and replied, “Smart Ass.”

I won.

Follow Me on Twitter

Hot damn, I’m on Twitter! Follow me and I’ll follow you!

Brands that should sponsor me!

I’m in advertising. Most of my brain revolves around graphic design, photography, marketing, social media and blah blah blah. So while I type on my Apple, sitting in my Aeropostale while adjusting my Victoria’s Secret, I’m mostly thinking about how I should stop Hoovering Tostitos, so I throw down a Godiva, slug some Aquafina and fish through my Coach where I move the Oakley’s to get to the Wrigley’s. Yeah, your brand should sponsor me! Check out “Brands That Should Sponsor Me!” above for a list of brands that I think should sponsor me. Oh yeah, I’m totally serious!

Dont Settle

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The Benefit of Lateness

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99 Problems, but a dick ain’t one!

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No idea what I’m talkin’ about do ya’? Then you don’t know Jay-Z.

Bras on the LIRR

There’s a pink lump of clothing on the overhead rack (no pun intended!) of my commuter train. It’s someone else’s and it’s the same color as one of my Victoria’s Secret bras at home. A funny little thought flashed through my head, “I have 35 bras.” How do I know this? A friend and I were packing my things so I could move last year and she said in all of her thin, splendid whiteness, “Damn, Girl, how many bras to you have? I laughed then though, Yeah how many do I have?? 35. I have 35. How many do you have?

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Quote: Dating is like…

Ha ha ha ha…

allmostrelevant

“Dating out of your league is like trying to haul a big heavy trailer with a motorcycle; and you’re the trailer.”

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iPhone Conversation

(Not mine but still funny!)

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Cougar

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GWLMIT

No, it’s not a new toy. When I was married and realized my husband was a serious alcoholic, I kept thinking, “This won’t be forever. God won’t leave me in this.” The fear of being killed was overwhelming. My husband had a shotgun, knives. I had to plot my evacuation with hair raising awareness, hoping my husband wouldn’t discover my plot, hoping that what I knew of him was correct – that he wasn’t up to actually killing me. So while being single isn’t nearly as life threatening, I’m still seeing a lot of single folks on Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook and other social media focusing on Singledom as if it’s the end of their lives. If you really think Singledom is that horrendous, just keep thinking, “GWLMIT.” And feel free to substitute whatever higher power it is that you believe in even if it’s not God. Because you won’t be in this forever. Just do yourselves a favor: Instead of concentrating on what you don’t want in a partner, concentrate on what you do want. Positive. Always.

GWLMIT

Dating Sites

Whats your take on dating sites? Today I turned on the radio in the car and the deejay said, “Join Match.com. Again – join Match.com.” I was so freaked out at the perfect timing of the statement that I turned off the radio.

After a few hours I thought, “okay seriously, Universe, if you want me to join Match.com, give me a clear signal that can’t be misinterpreted, and do it before midnight.” My friend just texted me this:

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The Universe was so nice to me all weekend – even letting me find $10 in the lint trap of the dryer at the gross laundromat… Why would it ask me to do this now? I just started to enjoy newly found peace during Part 1 of my Breakup Recovery!

Not So Horror-Scope

Sunday Oct 20 2013

It’s time for a new beginning, Capricorn – but if you set off down a new path in the days ahead, do not forget where you came from. This is an excellent time to revisit old photographs and enjoy old memories. There is something special from your past that can now be renewed – perhaps an old dream or an old relationship. But whatever it is, it will have a powerful impact on something you want to do in the future. This is a time of renewal, but it is also blessed and enhanced by events of the past.

Oh Dear Lord help me