Breakups: Your Ex’s 2 Signs That Scream “I Was Wrong”

Kim dated a liar on-and-off for a year without fully comprehending his lies and cowardice until it figuratively fell in her lap. 

“I was texting him about the wife he was divorcing,” she explained, “when he accidentally told me ‘there is no [divorce] paperwork.'” This lone statement revealed that all his previous statements – including an elaborate story supposedly containing verbatim quotes involving his in-laws – were lies. 

To make matters worse, Kim and her now-ex work at the same company. “So I still have to see him,” she explained. “And it’s pathetic,” she added, “he can’t even look me in the eye.”

Despite the newly revealed, low-class nature of Kim’s new ex, she’s actually lucky enough that his patheticness was revealed before things solidified in “Serious.” But that knowledge doesn’t stop her from feeling infuriated when the coward ducks as he runs by her in the halls.

“I know I did the right thing when I told him to lose my number,” she said, “I’m just grossly disappointed in his lies and cowardice. And it devalued him to trash in my eyes.” After pausing for a moment she added, “He’s trash. I dated trash… Oh my God – I was dating trash and I didn’t even know it!”

Sometimes we forget that the purpose of dating is to get to know someone, and that we – unfortunately – won’t learn that people are trash until we’re knee-deep in emotions.

If you’ve split from someone and they’re too much of a coward to admit or apologize, here are two major signs that will tell you – even if they dont.

Avoidance
They completely disappear after you’ve called their bluff. They don’t even offer an explanation. They haven’t replied to your one email or phone call.
What to do at this point: Do not attempt to initiate any other contact. Refocus on what you DO want in your life. If you continue to focus on and pour energy into a toxic, unfixable person, it’ll only drain your own magnificence. Cut them loose completely.

Disappearance
They no longer hang out at the same bars or clubs, changed grocery stores or delis, stopped going to your gym, or mutual friends havent even heard from them. 
What to do at this point: Clearly theyre avoiding any discussions.  Folks that avoid discussions – in most cases – fear the reaper. They don’t want their wrongdoings discussed because they know they’ve hurt you, so theyre waiting for the storm to die down. Again, cut them loose. Stick to The Law Of Attraction and focus all your energy on the type of love you do want. 

“When my boyfriend broke up with me,” admitted Kate. “I was devastated, took the day off and drove home to another state just to be with family; I was a mess. Long story short,” she revealed, “we eventually got back together and got married.” She shook her head and sneared, “Turns out he was an angry alcoholic and after three years I had to leave him a’la Sleeping With The Enemy style. I should have trusted the breakup.”

Do yourself a favor – employ some “suspension of disbelief” and pretend the universe has a bigger plan in mind. If your ex is that much of a coward that they can’t admit to their lies, you’re probably better off without them, and you’ve been given a blessing in disguise.

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Don’t Wait

IMG_8703-0.JPGDon’t wait for a partner to do things. Go out and live your life now.

I remember I was doing my own thing years ago when the love of my life contacted me out of the blue. Yes, sometimes it just happens.

Intentional

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When you become emotionally free, you realize you can do just about anything.

The Importance of Goals

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When was the last time you jumped into a small boat and drifted into the ocean without oars? Oh… You’ve never done that? Why not? There seems to be an endless supply of reasons why we wouldn’t do that with a tiny boat, yet we do it with our lives every day. I cut unstable men loose constantly but eventually get pulled into someone else’s Crazytown Shore because I neglect to make solid goals for myself — goals that help me feel fulfilled. Instead, I get sucked into a nimrod’s toxic wasteland and spend months spinning down their emotional refuse drain until it takes all my strength to save myself again. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day.

I’ve got plenty of things I want to accomplish in life, but they are all currently just dreams. And the only difference between goals and dreams is a deadline. So far I have yet to set a meaningful plan in motion for any of my dreams.

I attempted documenting my day this past weekend in order to see where my time goes because I complain about having a lack of time to get things done. Until approximately 11am on Saturday — when a friend called and asked me to intervene property retrieval during the breakup with her boyfriend — I was somewhat focused. But after my friend’s phone call, I stopped documenting and completely lost focus. After a few hours of favors, I was completely scattered. And I completely forgot to document the rest of my day.

Attention Deficit Disorder, maybe? Hmm… Does it really matter? I tend to think if I focused on a goal — and the steps leading to that goal — I’d get there sooner. Right now I’m a hungry rat in a sewer chasing my tail with no direction.

I’ve got a few Mind Mapping apps that I’ve been thinking about using to take a look at what I want to accomplish next. A mind map is an octopus-like graph of ideas. It looks like this; this is a mind map of presidents:

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It’s basically the next-generation outline of thoughts and ideas that can be used to set and accomplish goals. The two apps that I’ve downloaded are:

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IMG_8480.JPGMindMeister

The first ideas you jot are your dreams — your end goals. From those end goals, you create lines to smaller steps in the process. By the time you’re finished, you should have a general plan of steps it should take to accomplish your dreams.

I’m going to poke around with these and layout some dreams for myself. When I’m done I should be able to start planning deadlines and goals.

Have you used mind mapping? On what? How did it work out?

I’m currently convinced that without goals, I’ll end-up tying myself to another toxic situation. Instead, I want to tie myself to my dreams and make my life exponentially better by pouring the effort into myself instead of someone else. I think this is a fabulous idea and I’m convinced it’s going to work!

Now What?

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Happy Monday, folks! For some of us who are lucky enough to find the key to closure, we may have that peaceful day that we’ve been longing for. But if you haven’t made a list of goals, you could be inviting more trouble in the future. Think about the things you’ve been neglecting to do — both big and small — jot them down, and start hacking away at the list. If you’re able to focus on YOU, it’ll improve your life while helping you focus on what you DO want without allowing an “in” for what you DON’T.

Finally — Closure!

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I never really fully grasped the importance of closure until now. I’ve known of the importance of it, but up until the other day I hadn’t fully appreciated its affects.

For over a year I was being dragged along by a misguided, undeserving liar who repeatedly told me that he was divorcing his dysfunctional wife. There are a few reasons I had even bothered to entertain thoughts of dating him in the first place, most of which had nothing to do with my instinct or first opinion. I had ended it more than once only to allow myself to get sucked back into a very ridiculous adult high school-like drama. After months and many “looks” from him, we had an email conversation where he pretty-much proved his need to lie. Needless to say I was still disappointed in him, but with this round of torture, I also found the very much needed Closure.

This guy is crazy.

As he attempted to weave spells of magic around the last year of lies that he’s spilled while drunk, I realized, “This guy is not only toxic, but he’s never going to change, and he doesn’t want to.” And I realized he’s just like my alcoholic ex-husband.

And so the shackles have opened and I finally see him in a new light — which is awesome, but I feel lost as well. I feel alone in the world. Strange — considering I’ve got plenty of friends.

I think this permanent closure has opened my world for me, but without having — or better yet: Constantly focusing on my — goals, I feel lost. There’s overhanging “residue” from my mother who insisted my life goal was to meet someone and get married.

Screw that. I have closure. I’m holding my closure close and protecting it like a homeless man with a freshly baked baguette.

Closure is awesome. I don’t check my many forms of communication for signs of his toxicity anymore. I now pity him. What a fool. He’s accepting a life of negativity. What a shame. Oh well.

The day I had received the closure I needed and I was finally done with him, I wanted to skip through the halls. I couldn’t, but I’ll settle for this:

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Where I’m Going

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The last few months I’ve been contemplating my little journey of one year of single. It started when the last guy decided to go back to his abusive wife and I was again left feeling like being a self-assured, good person wasn’t getting me anywhere. Guys seem to want a-holes so they don’t have to live up to any expectations.

Men say they don’t want drama, but they return to suicidal cheaters. They say they want loyal girls, but they cheat and return to cheaters. They say they want good girls, but they’re jerks and date only jerks who have a multitude of problems.

And yet they say I have drama because I stopped talking to abusive parents? How is that any worse than continuously being involved with abusive parents? I made the move. I did the work. As far as I’m concerned, these guys are drama because they haven’t made the move or done the work.

So while I haven’t written many posts in weeks, it’s been on my mind constantly. I’m vastly different than I was last year. I’ve learned a lot, and yet I still feel like I’m only part-way through this journey.

In the last few weeks alone I’ve overcome and handled a few obstacles regarding men that I would have dove head-first into last year. For example, when he bends the lie enough to seem truthful, I would have accepted the relationship again. Today, I see it for what it is: an immature attempt to manipulate the truth.

I don’t have time for that and I’m not looking for that as the foundation of a relationship. And after this past year I can honestly add that I’m finally not even wanting a relationship. I’ll gladly start a friendship with any guy that may eventually lead to something more, but jumping into something heavy? I’m not there yet.

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Sometimes I forget this. People who complain endlessly seem to want help, and coming from my background, I just assume others want to be helped as well. But not everyone does, and lots of time the hand that tries to help gets bitten. Pull back. Focus on yourself. We broke up with these people for a reason, don’t question your decision. And most of all, take care of you.

Guilt Only Delays the Inevitable

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I’ve seen this countless times, whether it takes days or years.