Posted under the new and soon-to-be-improving-more header “Helpful MUSIC” on my blog!
When It first really hit me that I was going to have to divorce my alcoholic husband, I went into a state of shock. I had put so much faith, hope and trust in him and our future that the realization of divorce hit me like a brick wall. But knowing I couldn’t erase the past or fix an alcoholic, I knew I had reached an important point in my life and one of two choices had to be made: 1.) Act like a victim and take the “woah is me” path that my parents hoped I’d take, living a life of victim, where my son would eventually have a heartbreaking life of similar dysfunction B.) Get the hell out, cut out the toxic people, find happiness and give my son a fighting chance. I chose B. Unfortunately not everyone has the strength to choose B. I still worry about my ex-boyfriend and his children, and how his choice to return to a toxic marriage will ultimately destroy him and his children. I do pray for them. But it’s a choice he made. And anyone who makes a choice like that is not for me.
Unknowingly to the guy I was dating last, I would have stayed with him during the stressful time he was having, but unfortunately for him he lied to me instead of just telling me the truth of his situation. Had he just been honest, I probably would still be supporting him. But the fact that he was a coward revealed not only his cowardice but the fact that he probably won’t defend me as well as the truth or even his children. I have no tolerance for that. If you’re cowardice runs so deep that you can’t Sustain maturity enough to have a healthy, fun, loving relationship, then quite frankly – I don’t want you. Because really-who the hell doesn’t want a fun, loving relationship??? LOL
It’s difficult to remain positive when you’re bombarded. I find myself having to stop myself multiple times a day and refocusing on my “Good Thing.” The Good Thing should be something that instantly makes you happy: a vacation, your kids, etc. It seems silly, but it works well. And it cuts down on the negative thoughts. So first: Choose your Good Thing. Next: Whenever you find yourself thinking about anything that makes you sad or angry, stop yourself, allow the thought to go – even without the answers you seek – and think of your Good Thing. It works. 😉👍
Getting back together – or staying with – someone who lied and cheated is NOT a prize to me. I’m sorry, all those posts about working it out annoy me. Folks shouldn’t lie and cheat in the first place, and in my opinion the only one who wins in those cases are the people who lied and cheated.
Welcome to the series of posts that started 1YearOfSingle.
There was a guy I dated that went back to his abusive ex wife for the kids. So instead of making a peaceful loving home for his kids he chose to continue the fighting and aggravation so that he didn’t have to spend money on a divorce. My father did the same thing years ago. After years of struggling to have a relationship with my father I finally cut ties. My ex doesn’t realize-and I’m not about to tell him-that by saving a few dollars he could potentially be losing his children forever. This decision he made is one of those decisions that changed my opinion of our relationship forever. If you can’t save your children I don’t want you. And that’s when I decided to let him go.
Have you ever had that internal conversation with yourself about your significant other, thinking “Why don’t they do this? or, “Why won’t they do that?” Chances are it’s nothing they want to do, it’s only something YOU would do. And that’s where the dilemma comes in. While you should know the things you want in a partner, you also need to realize it’s a list that most likely stems from your own personality traits. Why don’t they do it? Because it’s not in their personality – it’s in yours. And if it’s not in their personality, and you want it, ultimately THEY are not who you want. I was in shock thinking, “How can he NOT want an honest relationship where we work together as partners??” Then I realized – that’s what I want. HE didn’t want that.
He still has no balls to say, “Hey, I’m sorry for making up that huge elaborate story about how I’m getting a divorce and that I tried to get my parents-in-law to get my ex-wife to sign the already drawn-up divorce paperwork THEN told you later that I never said any of that,” just watches me everywhere and gets on elevators with me trying to strike up conversations. No, thank you. Because I have nothing left to give you. But you know what would help? “I’m so sorry I wrecked you.” That would actually help. But if he doesn’t have the balls to remove his kids from a toxic environment, he definitely won’t have the balls to ever say, “I’m sorry.”
Lol OMG >> Okay seriously now. There’s an ancient song from the ’70s that says you shouldn’t change to make the other person happy. This is a screaming red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Neither person should have to change. We’re talking “the depths of your personalities.” Alcoholism or drug use – yes of course, change all you want. But not who you are as a person. I had an ex who constantly said, I’ll change!” But why? He was being him. Why would I want him to change? It’s like asking a zebra to remove its stripes and put on a horn because I want a unicorn. Forget that. I’ll just go find the unicorn. I let the zebra go.
Here’s something you may not have even considered: You have the power to save yourself. The strength to save yourself is like an old closet in your home. You may have forgotten it’s there, you may not use it as much as you used to – you may even be afraid to look inside. But when you do, you’ll be thrilled at the strength you forgot you had.
Here’s a Thanksgiving story that’ll make you want to hug your family:
Years ago I invited my best friend to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner because – for various reasons – the rest of her family was unavailable. After hanging up the phone, my father asked who I had been speaking to. I told him who it was and that because she was alone on Thanksgiving, I invited her to our family’s house.
My father then flipped-out and said, “If you ever invite anyone over for another holiday meal I’ll fucking kill you!”
Shocked, I called her back and uninvited her, telling her I wouldn’t be eating there as well. I left the house and my family of six – none of whom defended me – and went to the movies.
To this day, two of those siblings are still in-deep with my parents. Two of us escaped. Sometimes “the orphanage” is the better option. In the years since leaving both my parents and my similarly-mannered ex-husband, my Thanksgivings have been the most beautiful I have ever imagined.
And I owe it all to me.
If you’ve ever dated someone who has cheated and lied, you may have gone through this. Two boyfriends ago I was dating a guy who claimed had filed divorce paperwork (we were both in the middle of divorces at the time). After we broke-up I decided to call the county where he supposedly filed and asked the woman to confirm. “He said he filed already,” I explained. She put me on hold. After a few minutes she returned, verified neither his name nor his wife’s were in the system, “There’s no paperwork under either of those names.” Embarrassed, I explained that we had already broken-up, but still wanted to look into a few things. She laughed like she’s heard this multiple times before.
Because my ex and I were still in communication at that time, I told him – among other things – that he indeed was NOT divorced, and had never even filed like he said he did multiple times. Instead of feeling guilty, or horrified, he had the audacity to act mad at me for “checking up on him.” Ladies – Men – if you feel like you have to play detective, it’s not a relationship. And if the asshole acts indignant, with no sympathy, empathy, or is a complete asshole, then the breakup may be for for the best.
And quite frankly for me, it pissed me off enough to help me heal.
The last two guys were relatively the same: Undercover assholes. Acting like their exes were bad people. But after they drove me crazy for years with their game-playing and lies, I realized their exes were probably made that way. I had sympathy. No – EMPATHY. And as a final straw, neither of these men were divorced, getting a divorce, etc, like they claimed. I want to send flowers to their wives. But on the flip side – THEY ULTIMATELY CHOOSE TO STAY WITH THOSE IDIOTS.
Ha ha ha… Nah. I wouldn’t want to live through all that again, but I do wonder how my life would have been different if “I knew then what I know now.” There are times when I feel like I just started learning how to date. Yet, mix that with my age and I feel like I’m at the end of the line. Yes – I’m very hard on myself and that includes my age. To 20-somethings, I’m a mom. To 30-somethings, I’m “hot! Oh wait-she’s how old?? To 40-somethings, I’m invisible. To 50-somethings, I’m a fresh petite filet fresh off the gourmet grill. I feel passed-over at every stage of life, but luckily at this point I’m counting on it. I no longer yearn for someone to spend time with doing new things and having new adventures. I stopped scanning rooms and commuter trains for eligible guys. At this point if I do see someone I think, “How can he possibly improve my life?” Ah, now thats what a year has done. So turn back the clock? Maybe to this past Friday during an awesome Halloween with my son, or a few Fridays ago during cocktails with Friends.
My attempts to take a shower were derailed by my son’s soccer ball rolling around aimlessly in my apartment, blocking by way to the bathroom. And that’s when it hit me…