How to stop talking to your father. With a smile.

Laugh or you'll cryThere’s no need to stop smiling! Father’s Day should be a time for happiness and sunshine, barbecues and laughs. Unfortunately, for a lot of us, we have to deal with abusive fathers and what they did – or still do – to us. While I would love to ignore creepy, negative people, I still have to deal with them, and I believe there are a few of you who must as well, and so I’m here for you! Keep a smile on your face, keep your dignity and good spirit, but remove the Crazies.

A brief background on why I like to help
My father was physically present, but emotionally absent. He allowed my mother to be a mediator between himself and his daughters, and because of that our family was torn apart. My mother – a sociopathic narcissist – lied to him about our thoughts and actions. In return, he beat us. This placed her as the head of the family – exactly where she wanted to be.

“…if you showed a sign of independence as a child they took it as losing control, they must have absolute control.”

The family friend who wrote that in an email to me was absolutely correct. And even now I’m shocked how accurate his words were. I had a choice: live a suppressed life according to abusive, unstable people, or be happy and be what numerous teachers and coaches knew I was: intelligent and very capable.

So after years of therapy, I’m finally at peace and live a very happy life. With the exception of Father’s Day. It’s a constant reminder of how my father was absent during the times we needed him the most. Fathers should be authoritative and help steer the direction of the family. Instead, he handed-over authority to an unstable, manipulative mother. And even to this day, he allows my mother to fabricate untruths about anyone who attempts to dethrone her.

Because of this, I’ve had to completely disconnect myself from my own family. I found it extremely difficult to do, and every Father’s Day that passes is a reminder that I’ve both done the right thing as well as exactly how alone I am in regard to having a family.

Weak people gather like vultures at a carcass.

If you’re struggling with an abusive father and desperately want to disconnect, these things helped me. I’ve done the following:

1.) Completely cut ties
After years of limiting communication, I finally completely cut ties. I block phone numbers, I block email addresses and I do not give out my mailing address. The psychos in my family needle people until they give in (unfortunately, it has worked on aunts and uncles who have heard entire stories of our abuse).

I refuse to bend. Abuse is still abuse. Even after trying to “work it out” with my parents, they still continue to create fresh ways to destroy their children. As one sister pointed-out, “If it was just that event years ago, I would have forgiven. But they continue to try to hurt me, and for that I’ve had to get them go.”

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2.) Donate all items from the abuser
I’ve had to donate all memories including clothing, sneakers, shoes, gifts, furniture, jewelry. Basically, I’ve had to create an entirely new life for myself.

Ask yourself, “Who do I want to be? Who have I always wanted to be, but couldn’t because of abusive dipshits?” Think of it like this: there are a lot of people out there who will be thankful that you’re giving away dressers, beds, armoires, earrings, necklaces, photo albums.

This is a war, my friend, and you are going to win. You will be happy.

3.) Put away photos
Old photos are in a box in my closet. I don’t take them out unless my son asks about our heritage. That’s it. Other than that, the box stays where it is. I don’t marinate in old memories because it causes negative energy. I don’t need that. As a collective experience, you want to stay as positive as possible – seeing images of a destructive time in your life will not help. Put them away and keep them there. The only reason I would not completely destroy the images is if you need to send one to a lawyer for an Order for Protection. Hey – you didn’t choose this life, they chose it for you. All you can do is work your way out of it the smartest way possible.

4.) Do not respond to shenanigans
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to email, reply, or post about how insane my abusers are. There’s gobs of articles and proof on the internet alone about how their actions are insane and possibly illegal.

But responding will only continue the flow of negative energy.

So while it’s clear that these people thrive on negative reinforcement, negative attention, you will not. In order to end the bullying you’ve got to ignore the bully. I find this infuriating because – to others – it looks like the bully is correct if no one corrects them. But ultimately, you can’t reason with a crazy person, and that’s what they are – crazy. So don’t waste your time on them. You’ve already given enough of yourself to their insanity.

5.) Embrace the fact that your father is a putz, and that you’ll have to do it on your own
This is difficult for me because I don’t think it’s that hard to be a good dad. And so the shock is constantly there.

“Why couldn’t he…”
“Why didn’t he…”
“Why won’t he…”

But I try not to marinate in the disappointment of it. I’ve found other people whom I love to show me what good fathering is. I watch them, embrace them and accept the fact that the universe put me in this position to learn something. And so I shall. And so will you.

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-1Yos

Take a breath. Or not?

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The levels of compatibility in dating are endless. It obviously starts with appearance and stature, but goes well into things like fresh breath quotient.

I’m guessing some folks don’t think twice about smelling stink breath, but if you’re like me your stank radar is on high alert.

If you were sitting next to this woman on your ride home, would you say anything?

5 Reasons Why I Stopped Writing Purely Negative Posts

The Law of Attraction states that what you think about (repeatedly, with emotion) you bring about. Which basically means that what you’ve been motivated to concentrate on is the thing that will manifest in your life. So if you’re horrified about all your debt and frantically want to reduce your debt, you’ll end up getting more debt. Why? Because “debt” is on your mind 24/7. As they said in the movie “The Secret,” if you want to get out of debt, put your bills on auto pay and concentrate on prosperity. 

The same is true for everything else in your life, including dating. Using the Law of Attraction, if you constantly think, “There are no available good men/women in the world,” the universe – acting like the wish-granting genie from the lantern – will grant you that wish: “No available good men/women.” After all, your wish is its command. The uniserse doesn’t translate and wish-grant your passive-aggressive challenge – it sticks to the literal.

Knowing this and the affect it’s had on my life, I’ve most recently avoided both reading and writing negative posts. It’s one thing if the post is helpful, but it’s quite another if the entire site is a swirling, self-indulgent, pity sucking vortex. If there’s no helpful meaning to the post and I feel an ominous gray cloud gathering, I pass. In the same vein, I’ve started rethinking, repurposing and rewriting my blog posts.

Here are a few reasons why:

1.) Representation
“I’m so tired of drama!” I’d be surprised if any one of you have never heard or felt that sentiment. And yet here we are, rolling around in it like we’ve been dipped in flour batter and are about to be fried. If we dislike negativity so much and are so adverse to it, then why spend so much time on it? (Same can be true when spending time with spouses we despise, but thats another post.)

A continual string of negative, self-indulgent pity posts makes me look bad. It casts a gray, cranky cloud over my sparkling, golden reputatuon and makes me look like “that girl who’s always complaining,” which is not a good representation of who I really am, nor who I want to be. It doesn’t matter that this site is just a condensed view of my and other daters’ lives. If there are no helpful twists, it’s just a pity party. And who really wants to attend a party without a twist?

2.) Like Attracts Like: Positive to Positive. Negative to Negative.
Ever notice when you’re in a bad mood, all the badasses slap you on the back and cheer you on? It’s like all the negative folks are investing in your bad mood in order to fulfill the “misery likes company” theory. If you want to be happy, why spend so much time investing in your crappy mood? If you want to be happy you have to man-up; cut loose the bad attitude and accept happiness. 

Within the last year I’ve been making a conscious effort to stay away from negative people, but in order to do that I’ve had to literally walk away from some folks. Now, knowing what I have to do to stay happy, I can’t even stomach hearing or being around negative people, and that has steered me in the direction of offering positive posts instead of negative posts.

3.) It Sounds Like Endless Whining
Writing a string of endless negative posts is exhausting, and quite frankly I think to myself, “I could be pouring this much attention into a solution.” Many of us at some point have had someone shout, “If you don’t like it, do something about it!” So while posting a negative kickoff statement may be helpful to set the stage, it’s rarely helpful if it becomes the entire play. Recently, instead of an entire post, I’ve chosen to dedicate some space to solutions to what are turning out to be popular dating issues. 

4.) It’s Not Helping Anyone
So yes, blathering on about misfortune doesnt help anyone. It’s like putting on a one-man play about myself. I’d rather offer my experiences with a few insights in hopes that other folks can avoid the same heartaches. 

5.) It’s Not Unique
Everbody falls victim to a DoucheLord or Lady at one point or another. It’s just life. That factoid makes my self-indulgent blathering even more obsolete. I may not be a therapist, but I lived and I’m hoping my unique personal background and experiences could help a few of you. 

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Mind Connection for Day Altering Sex

A virtual friend of mine decided that he hates everyone. He was so cranky and cantankerous in the description of how he hates everyone that it got me thinking, “He’s on the man-rag,” and I wondered what would make him feel better. Which made me wonder – what would make just about every adult in the world feel better? Which then funneled back into, “What would make me feel better if I was having a bad day?”

Sex.

No, not sex with any guy off the streets. (Quite frankly: I rarely find anyone attractive, let alone want their jolly-horse plunging into me.*) I’m talking sex with someone you care about. Yes. That was it. That was my answer.

I asked my virtual friend, “If you had awesome sex would it turn your day around?” His answer:

“You’re kidding right?”

Okay well shoot me for being naive, but after watching the first three episodes of Sex and the City I was interested in a little verbal research.

I thought again about what would turn around (had I been having a bad day in the first place) and my thoughts immediately went to one person. And a shower. Oh that glorious shower. And I was quite happy with my decision. A little too happy.

Let’s take a typical day with your asshole boss. Crappy right? But after entertaining your brain with scintillating scenarios of pulling the object of your affection into a utility closet for a bout of heavy breathing and suddenly the day is all sunshine.

So instead of the question being “Would sex make your day better?” It should probably be more like, “How do we find or even connect with someone in order to have that mind-blowing sex that does make our day better?”

Let’s take my last boyfriend, for example. You would think that a long-distance relationship would make me want to take to his bed for hours when we finally saw each other. Sure I was attracted to him, but I also occasionally avoided being kissed. I couldn’t tell if it was my exhaustion or if I was lacking the proper mental connection with him. A lack of proper mental connection won’t allow for the perfect sexual scenario or a brighter day. It’ll end up producing the kind of sex that may buzz you for a few hours, but will eventually wear off like the caffeine from the morning’s latte. Back to cranky and cantankerous.

What’s really needed for day-altering sex is mind-connection sex. If you’ve got a physical and mental connection with someone, it beats disconnected-body-bumping any day because your brain is stimulated as well as your body. And the affects of pleasurable brain stimulation can last quite a while.

The next time you’re in a crappy work-mood think about what would perk you up. Sure body-bumping is possible but it’s the mind connection that could be your key to happiness. And if you have happiness, you have everything.

-1YOS

* That’s a blog for another day!

“Brave” – Sara Bareilles

When I browse WordPress, I see a lot of us struggling with negative influences in our lives. It’s so difficult to think positively when we’re continuously barraged with b.s. from all angles. I used to think that things would work out like in the movies, but life isn’t the cinema, and if we don’t speak up with open minds, there’s a good chance things won’t work out like we want them to. Don’t go into a conversation like a bull, but you also can’t assume everyone is getting the message that’s in our head. You’d be surprised how many ways our statements can be translated by someone who’s living a different life.

I have an idea: Post in the comments one time when you said what you wanted to say and things worked out better than if you had said nothing!

Follow Me on Twitter

Hot damn, I’m on Twitter! Follow me and I’ll follow you!

Dating Tip

Ladies, if the tagline on the product says, “Not your grandma’s perfume!” Or people grab their noses as they walk by… Chances are you smell like Ode de Dusty Closet.
Avoid this scent.
Thank you!

FOLLOW “VALLEY GIRL GONE COUNTRY”

My first WP blog recommendation: Follow Valley Girl Gone Country.
Huge thanks for the quote in your latest post, “Spinster…..Aka Hopeless Romantic”
Much love to you, sister! You give me hope.

PS: Your ex is a d-bag. I say this with love. LOL

There's like cows down the street from her.
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Why Men Love Bitches

Whenever I need to refocus on myself I read, “Why Men Love Bitches,” by Sherry Argov. This book gives the reader permission to be herself, and explains how men appreciate real women. It’s a brilliant insight into men because the book is based on research gathered from men. I reread it constantly because it releases me from the pre-planted notion – from my parents – that I have to keep giving myself fully to a guy to have a complete life.

My parents never appreciated who I was, they never really allowed me to be myself. It was always the direction of coaches and teachers that showed me it was okay to be myself. But there was still an inner struggle: logic versus years of my parents’ subtle signals that implied I wasn’t good enough, that I shouldn’t be myself. Many smart women go through this – we can be CEOs but still have the weak link of parental insecurity planted in our heads.

When my friend Jen suggested this book to me, it was like she passed me the key to the Matrix. It not only made complete sense, it released me from the idiotic view of my ’50s-styled parents that I had to be perfect in order to be liked.

My suggestion is to buy the digital version and keep it on your phone. I’ll be reading mine while my son and I head into the city for a fun day.

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What I’m NOT Doing

Screw what I’m doing. This is what I’m not doing: I’m not contacting “him.”

You know at some point you’ve all had a “him” or a “her” that you’ve wanted to contact, but knew you shouldn’t. Let’s marinate in this feeling for a moment: Remember how difficult it was to not contact that person? Remember how horrified you were when – if you did contact them – you felt like a complete jackass because it didn’t work out like you wanted it to once you did contact them?

Well, I didn’t contact him and I feel like a million bucks.

This weekend has some interesting scenarios that – if he was a regular friend – I’d be involved in. But screw it, I’m sticking to my Lessons Learned, especially #2. I’ll be honest – I had about eight moments when I literally had the phone in my hand but thought, I’m not investing in someone who isn’t investing in me, and I put the phone down. You would have been proud of me. Hell, I was proud of me.

By not doing something, I am doing something else: I’m valuing me. And hot damn it feels awesome!