In 2009 I left my abusive husband after he went off for a weekend of hunting. After I settled in my new apartment and the weeks passed, every now and then I would feel overwhelmed with what the future held.
So while I held my 2yo in my arms, we would gently dance around the living room to this song. My son would giggle as I bounced and dipped his tiny baby body, and it would help remind me that I did the right thing – no matter what my toxic parents said – I saved both my son and myself from a life of abuse.
This is the song I would play for my son. So when times are stressed and I get a little worried, I still play this song.
Whether you’re female or male, remember you are not alone. Find your own theme song and hold it tight.
-1Yos
Tag: Relationships
Women & Breakup Conversations
Something in a movie the other night reminded me of how emotionally strong women are. My experience is that men do not want to hurt our feelings – the best break ups I’ve ever had involved the men who had the balls to say something. Of course I did not want to hear it – but I was so impressed with the respect they gave me to calmly state how they were feeling without trying to make a dramatic scene. It’s to those men that I have the utmost respect. Because that, my friends, is strength.
♥️
Sometimes God breaks your heart 💖to save your soul
Throughout the years I’ve learned a lot in regard to shutting down toxic relationships. Many lessons came at the expense of my hopes and dreams, but it was obvious the relationships were never that strong in the first place, so nothing was truly lost. In the process, I went from being a simpering young girl to a strong woman who’s resigned to sever negative relationship more now than I ever was before. I recognize the advantages.
Despite knowing that ending negative relationships was a good thing, it was always heartbreaking. It was always a disappointment knowing relationships had to come to an end. Knowing a guy wasn’t who I thought he was always broke my heart. And realizing I was no closer to being loved by someone of quality was always a bitter disappointment.
A few brief years ago, I discovered that the guy who I moved in with was cheating on me. So with yet another sigh, I had to move out after only 6 months of living together. I was so tired of this bullshit, of having hope in someone and having them trash it, that the associated heartbreak became minimal. If this is what God wanted – that I had to move out – then so be it. It was becoming clear to me that God wanted me single. I started to really wrap my head around the fact that I may actually be better off, that there may actually be a greater plan for me than just being someone’s girlfriend or wife. And so single. Completely. Permanently. Or at least permanently, for now.
It’s so hard for us to accept that there might be a higher power out there that’s actually trying to give us a better life. We fight against it for so long because we think we know better. For myself, I was able to accept the last breakup much more quickly because I knew my boyfriend may be cheating and I didn’t want a life of feeling that bleak, negative compression that had descended on my son and myself. It was crushing us and we were desperate to get out. And so I made the move. Heartbroken yet again – but I made the move very willingly.
Sometimes God gives us relationships for a reason, and sometimes God takes them away – rather quickly – for other reasons. Of course, it’s easier to figure out why after the disaster has struck and the story has come to a close. Basically, wouldn’t you prefer to break your leg and go to the hospital if it gets you out of a plane crash? We’ve got to think of it like that – a broken leg and a plane crash – it’s really just that simple. The broken leg is the breakup. The plane crash is the disaster of a relationship with your ex. It may hurt, but you’ll heal.
The Law of Attraction
🌿 Did you know that centuries ago people were convinced that the world was flat? There was nothing that anyone can do to convince the population that the world was indeed round. Had you been someone who believe that the world was round, you would have been laughed into an insane asylum. Imagine an entire population thinking that the world is flat. Laughable now, right?
🧩
Have you ever been to a beach? Have you ever sat on the sand at the beach and watched the water come into the shore, then leave again, come in to the shore and roll out again? What about on land: Have you ever stood in an empty building and shouted just to hear your own echo come back?
🧩
Just as these things happen – waves going out and returning, so do your thoughts. However, similar to the echo in an empty room, what comes back to you is amplified, and it’s not just an emotional thought, is enough time and emotional attention, it returns as an actual thing.
🧩
And it’s based in actual science.
No shit.
🧩
For anyone thinking “this is complete bullshit,” feel free to keep running your life into the ground with constant negative thoughts. But if you’re tired of feeling like the world is against you, and the reign of crap is never ending, I urge you to take six months to focus on nothing but the good things in your life. No excuses.
.
If you refuse, then I say you like your life as crappy as it is. It’s your choice.
.
#quote #quotes #loa #lawofattraction #lawofattractionplanner #lawofattractionguide #lawofattractioncoach #positive #meme #memes #negative #positive #truth #happy #happiness #divorce #divorced #dating #breakups #love #lovequotes #family #career #fitness #weightloss #quotesaboutlove #quotesaboutlife #memories #new #newquotes #beautiful
The Narcissist Mother
I still remember the veil coming off my mother’s façade as she lost her shit on me a few times. The sweet, innocent martyr was gone in an instant, and the vicious woman I knew existed just below the surface would reveal herself for just an instant. She quickly reigned-in her craziness again when she realized what she was doing, what she was allowing to be revealed.
.
Too many people fall for the narcissist’s act. Get out as soon as you discover who you’re dealing with.
Can traveling make you just as healthy as dieting?
I would venture to say that most people make plans to lose weight or trim-down in the new year. I’ve done so countless times myself. And yet by the time each February rolls around, I’m bored with the calorie counting and repetitive fitness schedule. Another resolution down the drain.
Just recently, my officemates and I had been talking about the Keto Diet (although they have taken advantage of its theory much more than I have). It got me thinking about New Years resolutions and fitness. Should I attempt another fitness-health resolution? So boring, I muse. I shouldn’t have to make a resolution in order to be healthy. I want to do something else.
When I saw this meme I thought, This is brilliant. Of course! This is the entire enchilada wrapped up into one shebang. If you become more active – if you get involved in your own life, including traveling – you’ll most likely lose weight and naturally become more healthy. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. So in essence, a healthy preoccupation with anything other than food – exploring new locations and people – should most likely help me to lose weight and become more healthy. An article by Forbes discusses the same thing, citing multiple benefits and studies on how health is improved when we travel for recreation.
I love that. I believe the mind has to be involved in other things other than food. After all, the more I’m forced to think about dieting, the more I eat. It’s simple Law of Attraction. Add to that how we become stressed when we overeat, and it’s pretty clear to me that traveling can actually outweigh the benefits of dieting alone.
And so I put this to you as well. Make traveling and discovery your new, New Year’s resolution. It’s not exactly tossing aside health – it’s incorporating it. The more you explore and see the world, the healthier you become.
📍#travel 📍
You never know how much someone can mean to you until they’re gone.
My son and I were discussing #StanLee and his impact on the world, and realized he’s affected us as well. Every holiday that we went to the movies – if there was a Marvel movie – that was our choice, and it became tradition for us to look for Lee in the film. And so there we were about 20 minutes ago, blubbering in my son’s room, wiping some light tears from our faces for a man we never met.
Now, accepting that my son and I were misty over Lee may help you realize why you became so attached to someone in your life in such a short time. Ultimately, it’s never the length of time that you know someone that matters — it’s the quality, the meaning that they bring into your life that matters.
Yes or no?
What do you think?
You don’t have to be a party animal every holiday
I remember feeling like there was something wrong with me if I didn’t go out every holiday. The truth is, not everyone goes out and parties every holiday. Don’t look at Facebook as an example of what life should be – Facebook tends to only show the best parts of people’s lives. Thinking that every holiday should be like Facebook’s display of holiday gatherings is unrealistic.
Allow yourself to stay home sometimes. Spend time with your family in your own space. Don’t let friends make you feel guilty for getting rest and relaxation – especially if you’re going through a divorce or breakup. We certainly didn’t feel guilty for taking a 2pm nap when we were 16 – why feel guilty now? Yes, you should go out during a divorce/breakup. Yes, you should stay in touch with friends. But stopping to smell the roses is also necessary. And doing so during the holidays is a great way to celebrate your new-fought freedom. You can have just as much fun and relaxation in your own pool, with your own bbq. Go out tomorrow, and let your friends know what a kickass time you had chillin’ by the pool.
How to stop talking to your father. With a smile.
There’s no need to stop smiling! Father’s Day should be a time for happiness and sunshine, barbecues and laughs. Unfortunately, for a lot of us, we have to deal with abusive fathers and what they did – or still do – to us. While I would love to ignore creepy, negative people, I still have to deal with them, and I believe there are a few of you who must as well, and so I’m here for you! Keep a smile on your face, keep your dignity and good spirit, but remove the Crazies.
A brief background on why I like to help
My father was physically present, but emotionally absent. He allowed my mother to be a mediator between himself and his daughters, and because of that our family was torn apart. My mother – a sociopathic narcissist – lied to him about our thoughts and actions. In return, he beat us. This placed her as the head of the family – exactly where she wanted to be.
“…if you showed a sign of independence as a child they took it as losing control, they must have absolute control.”
The family friend who wrote that in an email to me was absolutely correct. And even now I’m shocked how accurate his words were. I had a choice: live a suppressed life according to abusive, unstable people, or be happy and be what numerous teachers and coaches knew I was: intelligent and very capable.
So after years of therapy, I’m finally at peace and live a very happy life. With the exception of Father’s Day. It’s a constant reminder of how my father was absent during the times we needed him the most. Fathers should be authoritative and help steer the direction of the family. Instead, he handed-over authority to an unstable, manipulative mother. And even to this day, he allows my mother to fabricate untruths about anyone who attempts to dethrone her.
Because of this, I’ve had to completely disconnect myself from my own family. I found it extremely difficult to do, and every Father’s Day that passes is a reminder that I’ve both done the right thing as well as exactly how alone I am in regard to having a family.
Weak people gather like vultures at a carcass.
If you’re struggling with an abusive father and desperately want to disconnect, these things helped me. I’ve done the following:
1.) Completely cut ties
After years of limiting communication, I finally completely cut ties. I block phone numbers, I block email addresses and I do not give out my mailing address. The psychos in my family needle people until they give in (unfortunately, it has worked on aunts and uncles who have heard entire stories of our abuse).
I refuse to bend. Abuse is still abuse. Even after trying to “work it out” with my parents, they still continue to create fresh ways to destroy their children. As one sister pointed-out, “If it was just that event years ago, I would have forgiven. But they continue to try to hurt me, and for that I’ve had to get them go.”
2.) Donate all items from the abuser
I’ve had to donate all memories including clothing, sneakers, shoes, gifts, furniture, jewelry. Basically, I’ve had to create an entirely new life for myself.
Ask yourself, “Who do I want to be? Who have I always wanted to be, but couldn’t because of abusive dipshits?” Think of it like this: there are a lot of people out there who will be thankful that you’re giving away dressers, beds, armoires, earrings, necklaces, photo albums.
This is a war, my friend, and you are going to win. You will be happy.
3.) Put away photos
Old photos are in a box in my closet. I don’t take them out unless my son asks about our heritage. That’s it. Other than that, the box stays where it is. I don’t marinate in old memories because it causes negative energy. I don’t need that. As a collective experience, you want to stay as positive as possible – seeing images of a destructive time in your life will not help. Put them away and keep them there. The only reason I would not completely destroy the images is if you need to send one to a lawyer for an Order for Protection. Hey – you didn’t choose this life, they chose it for you. All you can do is work your way out of it the smartest way possible.
4.) Do not respond to shenanigans
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to email, reply, or post about how insane my abusers are. There’s gobs of articles and proof on the internet alone about how their actions are insane and possibly illegal.
But responding will only continue the flow of negative energy.
So while it’s clear that these people thrive on negative reinforcement, negative attention, you will not. In order to end the bullying you’ve got to ignore the bully. I find this infuriating because – to others – it looks like the bully is correct if no one corrects them. But ultimately, you can’t reason with a crazy person, and that’s what they are – crazy. So don’t waste your time on them. You’ve already given enough of yourself to their insanity.
5.) Embrace the fact that your father is a putz, and that you’ll have to do it on your own
This is difficult for me because I don’t think it’s that hard to be a good dad. And so the shock is constantly there.
“Why couldn’t he…”
“Why didn’t he…”
“Why won’t he…”
But I try not to marinate in the disappointment of it. I’ve found other people whom I love to show me what good fathering is. I watch them, embrace them and accept the fact that the universe put me in this position to learn something. And so I shall. And so will you.
-1Yos
When you realize you wasted 30 years trying to please dipshits
It’s taken me years to be selfish about my own time. I had been giving away my time like grains of sand — endless and unwanted. I was spending my time with men that didn’t appreciate me. All because my psycho mother convinced me that marriage was necessary to be a worthy human.
I was giving my time trying to make boyfriends happy, but they weren’t. I was giving endlessly and not getting back. Those were countless seconds, endless minutes, and piles of hours wasted for dipshits who just didn’t give a rat’s ass how much of myself I was wasting on them, all because my mother injected the idea that marriage was what I was supposed to do with my life. I wasn’t worth anything unless I was married.
During my dating years, men constantly cheated or returned to unhealthy women just because the woman made shows of absurd tantrums, citing endless love—when in reality they were all just insecure and trying to manipulate the situation so they weren’t rejected and alone. You’d think I was one of those sappy, sniveling girls who begs for a man’s attention. But I wasn’t. I was relatively independent. One friend would tell me almost too independent while another friend would tell me not independent enough. Either way I felt screwed. Too this, too that. Never quite perfect, but somehow still too perfect. And yet I prayed continuously for the dipshits to see my worth and reject the hoochies like the heroes in novels. How could they be so easily fooled by stupid, selfish women? Wouldn’t it all work out in the end? Don’t they know better?
And the worst question of all:
Why bother being good at all if it never, every amounts to anything?
The man I asked that question to actually did return to an alcoholic bipolar cheater. How do I know she really was? She left a psycho message on my voicemail, confessing.
Men have proved to me over the years that they’re not worth the effort. Oh, believe me—my male friends are brilliant and I love them dearly. But men to date? I’ve found them all incredibly bitter disappointments, saying they were divorced when they weren’t. Saying they were getting divorced when they weren’t. Saying they weren’t alcoholics when clearly their police record revealed they were. Saying they were done with abusive women but returning to them. Cheating and blaming their impotence on me. The list was endless and quite laughable, if not horrifying. I was floored at the lack of integrity and honor. And yet I constantly forgave, forgave, forgave. For what? My best relationship even ended with an “I’ll destroy you,” from my boyfriend, via email while I sat in horror reading it at my desk.
“Why don’t you try one of those dating sites?” a friend asked. Just hearing the question made me want to peel my skin off and singe my nerves with a white-hot poker. The mass majority of men that I came across on dating sites were an insufferable mass of liars, hell-bent on not being alone. They were loaded with fear and bouncing from girl to girl like their asses were made of rubber. I could barely hear the question without wanting to scream. It was bad enough that the men I dated were like that when I had discovered them organically without inserting myself willingly into the scenario.
I had absolutely no tolerance to even think about giving away more of my precious time to a single cell of dipshit anymore. The thought was repulsive. I had so much I wanted to do with my life and was putting it off. Grossly procrastinating while searching for a dimwit to share my life with. All the while assuming that when I found such dumbass, the fool would be able to help me run my life.
What a damn joke.
“You need a sex toy,” one of my guy friends said. We laughed. I told him a sex toy with old batteries would probably be more reliable than what I’m used to. “Let me pick it,” he added.
No man who I’ve dated has ever been able to help me with anything except maybe a flat tire. It’s not to say that men are stupid or useless — far from it. It’s just the fools I’ve been saddled with knew far less than I hoped for, especially considering that I’ve been taught from an early age to believe men had all the answers and I had absolutely none.
Do you suffer from this? Did your parents teach you that you’re too stupid to make your own decisions and that you need a male proxy to think?
It’s taken me 45 years to realize that the only person who really knows bum-kiss about my life is me. That’s damn right—me. I learned that, and I learned that I’ve been wasting precious gobs of time on people who had both no desire nor intellect to my life.
When the full blast of this realization finally hit me, I wanted to vomit. I will no longer be spending time wondering what man will “save” me from my life, nor even to help me make decisions. How absurd. I’ve watched fools make a mess of their own lives, the very last thing I’m going to do is let them control mine.
And with a vise-grip on that thought process, I’ve started forming my bucket list. It’s getting done faster than ever before because I have so much more free time to work on it.
xoxo
-1Yos
Unhealthy Men Like Unavailable Women
Match.com leaves your profile online even after you’ve gone through the deletion process. I know this because years ago I deleted my profile and received the “your profile is deleted, but will be on display until…” reply. I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted the profile down immediately. If it’s still on display, it’s not really deleted, is it?
Match not only didn’t remove my profile when I wanted it to, but it continued to slam me with notifications and emails. I was then forced to change my profile to reflect that I’m no longer willing to be in the dating game, especially on Match.com. “This profile has been deleted,” I wrote. “Please don’t contact me.” Yet I was still slammed with countless emails from guys who either didn’t read my profile, or thought I’d be a fun challenge. Either way, it only proved they were mentally unhealthy.
I had a brief discussion with my then-therapist about this.
“If they’re trying to contact me,” I began, “despite me explaining the situation and vividly expressing that I’m no longer interested in dating—isn’t it really just revealing their unwillingness to get involved with someone who is available?” I asked. Yes, the therapist agreed.
“So even if their profile seems solid,” I continued, “I should probably still not bother because they’re trying to get involved with an emotionally unavailable girl, yes?” Yes, the therapist agreed again.
Hot damn, I thought, Men are just like us. They want to get involved with unavailable women. They may not even realize it themselves, we concluded. It may all be on a subconscious level.
Good God, I thought. I sat back in shock for a minute, proud of myself for the revelation, humored that I could finally see the Matrix, but dismayed over the reality of it all. Logically speaking, the theory actually proves that men who fight for their women are actually mentally unhealthy.
Soak that in. How many of us have wanted our guy to fight for us in some manner or another? So in essence, do we want them to be mentally unhealthy?
My mind was spinning. I left the therapist’s office feeling defeated. I thought about the MarriedGuy who went back to his unstable wife, “fighting” to make his marriage work. Sad, I thought, but good riddance. I realized that if he was willing to take-back someone who was that unhealthy, he couldn’t possibly be healthy enough for me. And I realized as my own self-awareness and self-assurance grew, the dating pool shrank. Significantly.
I crossed New York City’s midtown streets on my way back to work, still thinking about how the dating pool was becoming nothing more than a dried-up puddle. The thought repeated in my mind. Unhealthy men like unavailable women.
In all honesty, women do the same thing. My friends and I clocked plenty of hours chasing unavailable men. So we can’t sit-back and say it’s just the men. It’s everyone. But that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it.
Unstable men like unavailable women. The thought persisted. I started wondering if the level of unavailability in women mattered. What if a women just didn’t want to get involved because she wanted to live her life for a while? There should be a difference between busy women and women who blatantly say “hell no,” right?
My solution is to find out. I’ve been researching all the things that I’ve wanted to do over the years, but never had time for. While my original “1 Year of Single” has been over for a few years now, I still want to use my 1-year, yet this time it’ll be 1 Year of Rediscovery. 1 year of rediscovering myself and things I love to do. Have you ever spent a specific amount of time purposely rediscovering yourself? That’s what I’ll be doing. And I guarantee, it won’t include spending time on Match.com.
xoxo
-1Yos
What the hell happened to 2017??
A few days ago my 11-year-old son told me I should think about getting a hobby. If I wasn’t so shocked, I would have LOL.
“Honey,” I said, “In the last few years, we’ve moved in with my boyfriend, I’ve broken up with myself*, then moved out from my boyfriend’s. I’ve had two major surgeries, you’ve moved schools twice, my job moved to another state, then I changed jobs. I’m exhausted.” Then I added thoughtfully, “I’ve only just started to come out of the haze now.” My son did an “Oh… true…” nod and continued what he was doing with no further interest in the subject.
I’ve always rolled my eyes at blogs and broadcasts that were titled, “Where have I been?” It assumes that every person reading their headline has been dying to know what happened to that blogger and why they’ve been absent. I doubt anyone really cared. If the blogger was actually successful enough, the question of their absence would have been answered by the public long before the blogger realized it was even an issue.
And still – here I am, thinking I should write a “Where have I been?” blog. No one cares. I don’t even care enough about the last few years enough to write about them. Lol > But what I can tell you – or what I’d rather tell you – is what I’ve learned along the way. I’ve learned so much. And I want to tell you about my experiences. Both good and bad. What worked along the way, and what didn’t work.
I’m so happy to be back. Ironically, after all of the shenanigans of 2017, I’m so ecstatic that I can simply call it a “challenging” year. It was probably the most difficult year I’ve ever had, and yet I only want to call it “challenging.” Why? Probably because the previous 45 years before that were what helped me get through 2017.
Let me tell you about it.
Welcome to my not-so-new hobby: 1YearOfSingle.
-1Yos
*Oh, look at you searching for the meaning of that asterisk! Good for you! Well, you found it. I guess I should tell you what it means then? Well, back in 2017, I had to break up with myself because my bonehead boyfriend didn’t have the balls to do it himself. My 11-year-old son and I were feeling completely unwanted, living in the guy’s house, and all the Talks in the world weren’t helping the situation. To add to the pile, he was lying to his daughters about us. So I had to shoot myself in the foot and tell him that it wasn’t working out. As soon as I brought it up, he said something like, “Well now that we know what the problem is…” I wanted to say, “No, dipshit – now that I had the balls to tell you that I already knew what the problem was.” I was furious! The kicker was that my son and I had just moved into his home after donating most of my belongings, and he was out cheating on me and telling his daughters that we were the assholes. The thing that hurt the most is that he brought my son into it. Trash. Complete trash. It pains me that his daughters will never know the truth. And yet, maybe they’re better off.
Dealing with other people’s awesomely fun Facetime statuses
Okay, so I’m new at this. But the message is still the same: Just because folks post awesome statuses doesn’t meant their lives are like that 100% of the time. And while we’d love for everyone’s lives to be fabulous all the time, it’s just not possible. So don’t fool yourself into believing you’re the only one in a breakup, the only one with poor health, the only one with unsupportive parents… Consider Facebook the best of society’s social life. And give yourself a break. As a matter of fact, if you’re in a tough time right now, consider staying off Facebook for at least a week.
M.U.T.
🌸When I’m single, I feel more free. When I breakup with someone – even when I broke up with my parents – my first thought has always been “What can I do now that I haven’t been able to do before?” Sure, it shouldn’t be that way, but you’re dreaming if you think your partner likes everything you do (or likes to do everything that you like to do). We’re human – it’s simply impossible. And who would want all those similarities, anyway?
So in that vein, I introduce the Mismatch Underwear Theory – or M.U.T.. It basically is a symbol of freedom. I feel freer to do what I want when I’m single – like wearing mismatched goods. Hey, it’s just my thing. Another example: I watch more girlie movies. Another example: I eat Java Mocha Chip for dinner. No biggie.
Make a good point about your Mismatch Underwear Theories below OR Singledom theories below – or at my Instagram (link below) and I just may add you to my bog, or mention you in my upcoming Live Broadcasts! 🌸🙌🏻🌸 Bam! -1YOS
1 Year of Single 