Being Single · Bitches · Breakups · Dating · Life · OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries) · Relationships

“Why Are You Single?”

After years and countless guys asking why I’m single, I’ve decided to tally the list of reasons why I’m single. In no specific order of romances, and often combined:

  • He was an alcoholic
  • He was bipolar
  • He was a narcissist
  • He stole credit cards
  • He smoked weed
  • He was on steroids
  • He heated on me
  • He was a little too much into surfing
  • He was too materialistic
  • He constantly tallied the finances of every one he knew
  • He talked too much shit about his friends
  • He was nasty to me for no reason too many times
  • He was married
  • He wasn’t divorced
  • He wasn’t sure if he wanted to get divorced
  • He went back to his wife
  • He wanted to go back to his wife
  • He went back to his girlfriend
  • He wanted to go back to his girlfriend
  • He wanted threesomes
  • He had no motivation for success
  • He was too obsessed with his job
  • He moved to Florida
  • He lived in Pennsylvania
  • He may have been gay
  • He never told his friends who I was
  • He couldn’t handle my psycho family
  • I couldn’t handle dating while still living with my psycho family
  • He had no backbone
  • He was too white trash
  • He wasn’t a good father to his own kids
  • He was unreliable
  • He disappeared all the time
  • He was a compulsive liar
  • I wasn’t attracted to him
  • He tried to father my son before we were really dating
  • He sweated in a very strange way
  • He was a self-declared womanizer
  • He didn’t listen to a thing I said
  • His mother was dying (she really was)
  • He didn’t like blow jobs

There you go! That’s off the top of my head. I started to get a very Jim Carey, Liar, Liar voice going in my head while I read the list. Sadly some of those are compiled issues.

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Who’s got your balls?

On the way to missing the train today I passed a large family with rolling suitcases. They had exited a van and were climbing stairs to the platform. I knew the next trains departed from the opposite side of the station, so as I passed I told the father that they should use the elevator. His reply? He stammered for a second, and with a defeated hand gesture toward his departing group said, “This is what my wife wants.”

Oh Lord. Men, who’ve got your balls? This is not a matter of doing someone else, its a matter of saving the 80-year-old grandma in your group from having a heart attack.

As I walked away I thought about how my father is a flag. Do all men get like that when they’re older? Is it a pipe dream to think that dating/marriage should be a partnership? To go as far as not taking an elevator or even suggesting it just because you think your wife will get angry – are you kidding?

Do men think they have to hand over their balls? Do they think it’s an all-ball-or-nothing situation when they marry? It would actually explain a lot since most of my observations of men have been either all-balls or ball-free.

Guys – there can be a happy medium. In fact, there should be a happy medium. Strive to retain your man-ness. How do you do this? Well, first you’ve got to honestly ask yourself, “Who’s got your balls?”