It’s taken me years to be selfish about my own time. I had been giving away my time like grains of sand — endless and unwanted. I was spending my time with men that didn’t appreciate me. All because my psycho mother convinced me that marriage was necessary to be a worthy human.
I was giving my time trying to make boyfriends happy, but they weren’t. I was giving endlessly and not getting back. Those were countless seconds, endless minutes, and piles of hours wasted for dipshits who just didn’t give a rat’s ass how much of myself I was wasting on them, all because my mother injected the idea that marriage was what I was supposed to do with my life. I wasn’t worth anything unless I was married.
During my dating years, men constantly cheated or returned to unhealthy women just because the woman made shows of absurd tantrums, citing endless love—when in reality they were all just insecure and trying to manipulate the situation so they weren’t rejected and alone. You’d think I was one of those sappy, sniveling girls who begs for a man’s attention. But I wasn’t. I was relatively independent. One friend would tell me almost too independent while another friend would tell me not independent enough. Either way I felt screwed. Too this, too that. Never quite perfect, but somehow still too perfect. And yet I prayed continuously for the dipshits to see my worth and reject the hoochies like the heroes in novels. How could they be so easily fooled by stupid, selfish women? Wouldn’t it all work out in the end? Don’t they know better?
And the worst question of all:
Why bother being good at all if it never, every amounts to anything?
The man I asked that question to actually did return to an alcoholic bipolar cheater. How do I know she really was? She left a psycho message on my voicemail, confessing.
Men have proved to me over the years that they’re not worth the effort. Oh, believe me—my male friends are brilliant and I love them dearly. But men to date? I’ve found them all incredibly bitter disappointments, saying they were divorced when they weren’t. Saying they were getting divorced when they weren’t. Saying they weren’t alcoholics when clearly their police record revealed they were. Saying they were done with abusive women but returning to them. Cheating and blaming their impotence on me. The list was endless and quite laughable, if not horrifying. I was floored at the lack of integrity and honor. And yet I constantly forgave, forgave, forgave. For what? My best relationship even ended with an “I’ll destroy you,” from my boyfriend, via email while I sat in horror reading it at my desk.
“Why don’t you try one of those dating sites?” a friend asked. Just hearing the question made me want to peel my skin off and singe my nerves with a white-hot poker. The mass majority of men that I came across on dating sites were an insufferable mass of liars, hell-bent on not being alone. They were loaded with fear and bouncing from girl to girl like their asses were made of rubber. I could barely hear the question without wanting to scream. It was bad enough that the men I dated were like that when I had discovered them organically without inserting myself willingly into the scenario.
I had absolutely no tolerance to even think about giving away more of my precious time to a single cell of dipshit anymore. The thought was repulsive. I had so much I wanted to do with my life and was putting it off. Grossly procrastinating while searching for a dimwit to share my life with. All the while assuming that when I found such dumbass, the fool would be able to help me run my life.
What a damn joke.
“You need a sex toy,” one of my guy friends said. We laughed. I told him a sex toy with old batteries would probably be more reliable than what I’m used to. “Let me pick it,” he added.
No man who I’ve dated has ever been able to help me with anything except maybe a flat tire. It’s not to say that men are stupid or useless — far from it. It’s just the fools I’ve been saddled with knew far less than I hoped for, especially considering that I’ve been taught from an early age to believe men had all the answers and I had absolutely none.
Do you suffer from this? Did your parents teach you that you’re too stupid to make your own decisions and that you need a male proxy to think?
It’s taken me 45 years to realize that the only person who really knows bum-kiss about my life is me. That’s damn right—me. I learned that, and I learned that I’ve been wasting precious gobs of time on people who had both no desire nor intellect to my life.
When the full blast of this realization finally hit me, I wanted to vomit. I will no longer be spending time wondering what man will “save” me from my life, nor even to help me make decisions. How absurd. I’ve watched fools make a mess of their own lives, the very last thing I’m going to do is let them control mine.
And with a vise-grip on that thought process, I’ve started forming my bucket list. It’s getting done faster than ever before because I have so much more free time to work on it.
Match.com leaves your profile online even after you’ve gone through the deletion process. I know this because years ago I deleted my profile and received the “your profile is deleted, but will be on display until…” reply. I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted the profile down immediately. If it’s still on display, it’s not really deleted, is it?
Match not only didn’t remove my profile when I wanted it to, but it continued to slam me with notifications and emails. I was then forced to change my profile to reflect that I’m no longer willing to be in the dating game, especially on Match.com. “This profile has been deleted,” I wrote. “Please don’t contact me.” Yet I was still slammed with countless emails from guys who either didn’t read my profile, or thought I’d be a fun challenge. Either way, it only proved they were mentally unhealthy.
I had a brief discussion with my then-therapist about this.
“If they’re trying to contact me,” I began, “despite me explaining the situation and vividly expressing that I’m no longer interested in dating—isn’t it really just revealing their unwillingness to get involved with someone who is available?” I asked. Yes, the therapist agreed.
“So even if their profile seems solid,” I continued, “I should probably still not bother because they’re trying to get involved with an emotionally unavailable girl, yes?” Yes, the therapist agreed again.
Hot damn, I thought, Men are just like us. They want to get involved with unavailable women. They may not even realize it themselves, we concluded. It may all be on a subconscious level.
Good God, I thought. I sat back in shock for a minute, proud of myself for the revelation, humored that I could finally see the Matrix, but dismayed over the reality of it all. Logically speaking, the theory actually proves that men who fight for their women are actually mentally unhealthy.
Soak that in. How many of us have wanted our guy to fight for us in some manner or another? So in essence, do we want them to be mentally unhealthy?
My mind was spinning. I left the therapist’s office feeling defeated. I thought about the MarriedGuy who went back to his unstable wife, “fighting” to make his marriage work. Sad, I thought, but good riddance. I realized that if he was willing to take-back someone who was that unhealthy, he couldn’t possibly be healthy enough for me. And I realized as my own self-awareness and self-assurance grew, the dating pool shrank. Significantly.
I crossed New York City’s midtown streets on my way back to work, still thinking about how the dating pool was becoming nothing more than a dried-up puddle. The thought repeated in my mind. Unhealthy men like unavailable women.
In all honesty, women do the same thing. My friends and I clocked plenty of hours chasing unavailable men. So we can’t sit-back and say it’s just the men. It’s everyone. But that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it.
Unstable men like unavailable women. The thought persisted. I started wondering if the level of unavailability in women mattered. What if a women just didn’t want to get involved because she wanted to live her life for a while? There should be a difference between busy women and women who blatantly say “hell no,” right?
My solution is to find out. I’ve been researching all the things that I’ve wanted to do over the years, but never had time for. While my original “1 Year of Single” has been over for a few years now, I still want to use my 1-year, yet this time it’ll be 1 Year of Rediscovery. 1 year of rediscovering myself and things I love to do. Have you ever spent a specific amount of time purposely rediscovering yourself? That’s what I’ll be doing. And I guarantee, it won’t include spending time on Match.com.
A few days ago my 11-year-old son told me I should think about getting a hobby. If I wasn’t so shocked, I would have LOL.
“Honey,” I said, “In the last few years, we’ve moved in with my boyfriend, I’ve broken up with myself*, then moved out from my boyfriend’s. I’ve had two major surgeries, you’ve moved schools twice, my job moved to anotherstate, then I changed jobs. I’m exhausted.” Then I added thoughtfully, “I’ve only just started to come out of the haze now.” My son did an “Oh… true…” nod and continued what he was doing with no further interest in the subject.
I’ve always rolled my eyes at blogs and broadcasts that were titled, “Where have I been?” It assumes that every person reading their headline has been dying to know what happened to that blogger and why they’ve been absent. I doubt anyone really cared. If the blogger was actually successful enough, the question of their absence would have been answered by the public long before the blogger realized it was even an issue.
And still – here I am, thinking I should write a “Where have I been?” blog. No one cares. I don’t even care enough about the last few years enough to write about them. Lol > But what I can tell you – or what I’d rather tell you – is what I’ve learned along the way. I’ve learned so much. And I want to tell you about my experiences. Both good and bad. What worked along the way, and what didn’t work.
I’m so happy to be back. Ironically, after all of the shenanigans of 2017, I’m so ecstatic that I can simply call it a “challenging” year. It was probably the most difficult year I’ve ever had, and yet I only want to call it “challenging.” Why? Probably because the previous 45 years before that were what helped me get through 2017.
Let me tell you about it.
Welcome to my not-so-new hobby: 1YearOfSingle.
*Oh, look at you searching for the meaning of that asterisk! Good for you! Well, you found it. I guess I should tell you what it means then? Well, back in 2017, I had to break up with myself because my bonehead boyfriend didn’t have the balls to do it himself. My 11-year-old son and I were feeling completely unwanted, living in the guy’s house, and all the Talks in the world weren’t helping the situation. To add to the pile, he was lying to his daughters about us. So I had to shoot myself in the foot and tell him that it wasn’t working out. As soon as I brought it up, he said something like, “Well now that we know what the problem is…” I wanted to say, “No, dipshit – now that I had the balls to tell you that I already knew what the problem was.” I was furious! The kicker was that my son and I had just moved into his home after donating most of my belongings, and he was out cheating on me and telling his daughters that we were the assholes. The thing that hurt the most is that he brought my son into it. Trash. Complete trash. It pains me that his daughters will never know the truth. And yet, maybe they’re better off.
Don’t stress the could haves. If it should have, it would have. / It kills me when people say, “But we were meant for each other” or “we were perfect for each other. That’s crap. If they were so perfect for each other, they’d still be together. I started training myself to concentrate on that aspect of the breakup, not what I thought “should have been.” What we think “should have been” is just what we really wanted. So jot it down on your “want” list, and move on.
No one is perfect, especially when I’ve gone through the hell of dealing with a cheater. So when I finally reach the point when I’m ready to pull the plug, I can’t help but think, “Should I mess with the jerk a little? Inject a little paranoia and guilt? or just cut him loose? While I always toy with scenarios of how to make his life the equivalent hell that he’s so guiltlessly made mine, I haven’t — as of yet — poured the time, nor energy into the revenge scenario. Why? Because the d-bag already stole enough of my time; I’m not gifting him with more!
And unfortunately if it’s anger or resentment, then you’ll get more anger and resentment. Do yourself a favor, and when you start thinking about how someone is pissing you off, stop yourself and think of that one thing that makes you happy. Get yourself a Positivity App if you have to.
Have you ever had that internal conversation with yourself about your significant other, thinking “Why don’t they do this? or, “Why won’t they do that?” Chances are it’s nothing they want to do, it’s only something YOU would do. And that’s where the dilemma comes in. While you should know the things you want in a partner, you also need to realize it’s a list that most likely stems from your own personality traits. Why don’t they do it? Because it’s not in their personality – it’s in yours. And if it’s not in their personality, and you want it, ultimately THEY are not who you want. I was in shock thinking, “How can he NOT want an honest relationship where we work together as partners??” Then I realized – that’s what I want. HE didn’t want that.
Ha ha ha… Nah. I wouldn’t want to live through all that again, but I do wonder how my life would have been different if “I knew then what I know now.” There are times when I feel like I just started learning how to date. Yet, mix that with my age and I feel like I’m at the end of the line. Yes – I’m very hard on myself and that includes my age. To 20-somethings, I’m a mom. To 30-somethings, I’m “hot! Oh wait-she’s how old?? To 40-somethings, I’m invisible. To 50-somethings, I’m a fresh petite filet fresh off the gourmet grill. I feel passed-over at every stage of life, but luckily at this point I’m counting on it. I no longer yearn for someone to spend time with doing new things and having new adventures. I stopped scanning rooms and commuter trains for eligible guys. At this point if I do see someone I think, “How can he possibly improve my life?” Ah, now thats what a year has done. So turn back the clock? Maybe to this past Friday during an awesome Halloween with my son, or a few Fridays ago during cocktails with Friends.
My mother had always given me the impression that whomever I date, I had to immediately marry. That there would be no other choice for me. And so I wouldn’t go on a date thinking I just had to get to know the person, I would go on a date under parental pressure that I potentially had to marry the guy. And she made it seem like if I accepted the date, it was because I accepted the person as a whole being and was already contemplating wedding bells. It was suffocating, and yet there I was feeling forced into all-or-nothing relationships. I was never given the opportunity to just date for fun – maybe go out and enjoy myself with somebody who had the same interests as I did. So when these relationships went south I was beating myself up constantly thinking that I should’ve known better. Thankfully, I’ve cut ties with my toxic parents and their pressure for me to get married without even being able to date like a normal female. If you’ve been beating yourself up after a breakup, thinking, “I should’ve known better,” just remember that dating is to get to know somebody. And you’ll never really get to know them unless you date them. So release yourself from the guilt.
So many times I’ve thought, “I have no idea what I want.” But that’s not completely true. Everything I thought he was, and everything I hoped he would be is what I really wanted. Pay attention to yourself. Write it down. Own it.
I just had a dream with my ex. He ignored me, I ignored him. He left his shoes where I was in the dream and my old-self would have told him, “Hey, you left your shoes here.” But after 1Year Of Single and taking care of me – I left them there and walked away.
A mere three days away will mark a year of putting myself first. And in the past year I’ve learned a lot. Come check out my discoveries asI attempt to tell you whats been going on in the last year of being single…