You never know how much someone can mean to you until they’re gone.

My son and I were discussing #StanLee and his impact on the world, and realized he’s affected us as well. Every holiday that we went to the movies – if there was a Marvel movie – that was our choice, and it became tradition for us to look for Lee in the film. And so there we were about 20 minutes ago, blubbering in my son’s room, wiping some light tears from our faces for a man we never met.

Now, accepting that my son and I were misty over Lee may help you realize why you became so attached to someone in your life in such a short time. Ultimately, it’s never the length of time that you know someone that matters — it’s the quality, the meaning that they bring into your life that matters.

Yes or no?

What do you think?

How to stop talking to your father. With a smile.

Laugh or you'll cryThere’s no need to stop smiling! Father’s Day should be a time for happiness and sunshine, barbecues and laughs. Unfortunately, for a lot of us, we have to deal with abusive fathers and what they did – or still do – to us. While I would love to ignore creepy, negative people, I still have to deal with them, and I believe there are a few of you who must as well, and so I’m here for you! Keep a smile on your face, keep your dignity and good spirit, but remove the Crazies.

A brief background on why I like to help
My father was physically present, but emotionally absent. He allowed my mother to be a mediator between himself and his daughters, and because of that our family was torn apart. My mother – a sociopathic narcissist – lied to him about our thoughts and actions. In return, he beat us. This placed her as the head of the family – exactly where she wanted to be.

“…if you showed a sign of independence as a child they took it as losing control, they must have absolute control.”

The family friend who wrote that in an email to me was absolutely correct. And even now I’m shocked how accurate his words were. I had a choice: live a suppressed life according to abusive, unstable people, or be happy and be what numerous teachers and coaches knew I was: intelligent and very capable.

So after years of therapy, I’m finally at peace and live a very happy life. With the exception of Father’s Day. It’s a constant reminder of how my father was absent during the times we needed him the most. Fathers should be authoritative and help steer the direction of the family. Instead, he handed-over authority to an unstable, manipulative mother. And even to this day, he allows my mother to fabricate untruths about anyone who attempts to dethrone her.

Because of this, I’ve had to completely disconnect myself from my own family. I found it extremely difficult to do, and every Father’s Day that passes is a reminder that I’ve both done the right thing as well as exactly how alone I am in regard to having a family.

Weak people gather like vultures at a carcass.

If you’re struggling with an abusive father and desperately want to disconnect, these things helped me. I’ve done the following:

1.) Completely cut ties
After years of limiting communication, I finally completely cut ties. I block phone numbers, I block email addresses and I do not give out my mailing address. The psychos in my family needle people until they give in (unfortunately, it has worked on aunts and uncles who have heard entire stories of our abuse).

I refuse to bend. Abuse is still abuse. Even after trying to “work it out” with my parents, they still continue to create fresh ways to destroy their children. As one sister pointed-out, “If it was just that event years ago, I would have forgiven. But they continue to try to hurt me, and for that I’ve had to get them go.”

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2.) Donate all items from the abuser
I’ve had to donate all memories including clothing, sneakers, shoes, gifts, furniture, jewelry. Basically, I’ve had to create an entirely new life for myself.

Ask yourself, “Who do I want to be? Who have I always wanted to be, but couldn’t because of abusive dipshits?” Think of it like this: there are a lot of people out there who will be thankful that you’re giving away dressers, beds, armoires, earrings, necklaces, photo albums.

This is a war, my friend, and you are going to win. You will be happy.

3.) Put away photos
Old photos are in a box in my closet. I don’t take them out unless my son asks about our heritage. That’s it. Other than that, the box stays where it is. I don’t marinate in old memories because it causes negative energy. I don’t need that. As a collective experience, you want to stay as positive as possible – seeing images of a destructive time in your life will not help. Put them away and keep them there. The only reason I would not completely destroy the images is if you need to send one to a lawyer for an Order for Protection. Hey – you didn’t choose this life, they chose it for you. All you can do is work your way out of it the smartest way possible.

4.) Do not respond to shenanigans
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to email, reply, or post about how insane my abusers are. There’s gobs of articles and proof on the internet alone about how their actions are insane and possibly illegal.

But responding will only continue the flow of negative energy.

So while it’s clear that these people thrive on negative reinforcement, negative attention, you will not. In order to end the bullying you’ve got to ignore the bully. I find this infuriating because – to others – it looks like the bully is correct if no one corrects them. But ultimately, you can’t reason with a crazy person, and that’s what they are – crazy. So don’t waste your time on them. You’ve already given enough of yourself to their insanity.

5.) Embrace the fact that your father is a putz, and that you’ll have to do it on your own
This is difficult for me because I don’t think it’s that hard to be a good dad. And so the shock is constantly there.

“Why couldn’t he…”
“Why didn’t he…”
“Why won’t he…”

But I try not to marinate in the disappointment of it. I’ve found other people whom I love to show me what good fathering is. I watch them, embrace them and accept the fact that the universe put me in this position to learn something. And so I shall. And so will you.

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-1Yos

Unhealthy Men Like Unavailable Women

1Yos
I literally wore this outfit today

Match.com leaves your profile online even after you’ve gone through the deletion process. I know this because years ago I deleted my profile and received the “your profile is deleted, but will be on display until…” reply. I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted the profile down immediately. If it’s still on display, it’s not really deleted, is it?

Match not only didn’t remove my profile when I wanted it to, but it continued to slam me with notifications and emails. I was then forced to change my profile to reflect that I’m no longer willing to be in the dating game, especially on Match.com. “This profile has been deleted,” I wrote. “Please don’t contact me.” Yet I was still slammed with countless emails from guys who either didn’t read my profile, or thought I’d be a fun challenge. Either way, it only proved they were mentally unhealthy.

Therapy_CanWeTalkI had a brief discussion with my then-therapist about this.

“If they’re trying to contact me,” I began, “despite me explaining the situation and vividly expressing that I’m no longer interested in dating—isn’t it really just revealing their unwillingness to get involved with someone who is available?” I asked. Yes, the therapist agreed.

“So even if their profile seems solid,” I continued, “I should probably still not bother because they’re trying to get involved with an emotionally unavailable girl, yes?” Yes, the therapist agreed again.

Hot damn, I thought, Men are just like us. They want to get involved with unavailable women. They may not even realize it themselves, we concluded. It may all be on a subconscious level.

Good God, I thought. I sat back in shock for a minute, proud of myself for the revelation, humored that I could finally see the Matrix, but dismayed over the reality of it all. Logically speaking, the theory actually proves that men who fight for their women are actually mentally unhealthy.

Soak that in. How many of us have wanted our guy to fight for us in some manner or another? So in essence, do we want them to be mentally unhealthy?

My mind was spinning. I left the therapist’s office feeling defeated. I thought about the MarriedGuy who went back to his unstable wife, “fighting” to make his marriage work. Sad, I thought, but good riddance. I realized that if he was willing to take-back someone who was that unhealthy, he couldn’t possibly be healthy enough for me. And I realized as my own self-awareness and self-assurance grew, the dating pool shrank. Significantly.

I crossed New York City’s midtown streets on my way back to work,  still thinking about how the dating pool was becoming nothing more than a dried-up puddle. The thought repeated in my mind. Unhealthy men like unavailable women.

In all honesty, women do the same thing. My friends and I clocked plenty of hours chasing unavailable men. So we can’t sit-back and say it’s just the men. It’s everyone. But that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it.

Unstable men like unavailable women. The thought persisted. I started wondering if the level of unavailability in women mattered. What if a women just didn’t want to get involved because she wanted to live her life for a while? There should be a difference between busy women and women who blatantly say “hell no,” right?

My solution is to find out. I’ve been researching all the things that I’ve wanted to do over the years, but never had time for. While my original “1 Year of Single” has been over for a few years now, I still want to use my 1-year, yet this time it’ll be 1 Year of Rediscovery. 1 year of rediscovering myself and things I love to do. Have you ever spent a specific amount of time purposely rediscovering yourself? That’s what I’ll be doing. And I guarantee, it won’t include spending time on Match.com.

xoxo
-1Yos

 

Single Lessons Learned

IMG_0267-0.JPG A friend and I were discussing why I was meant to be single. “I really believe I’m meant to be alone right now,” I said.

“Why’s that?” he asked

“I’m clearly not learning some kind of lesson that God needs me to learn,” I mused. “It’s always got to do with a lesson. Ennndddless lessons.” I laughed. But I was still serious. Only at this point in my life I’ve been questioning if someone DID enter my world, would I really want to make room for him?”

Either way, I feel like I’m in a constant state of studying. What makes the universe choose one person to have something and another to not?

I was with some married friends this past weekend, watching them argue brutally most of the day. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. I couldn’t help but think, “Is this the lesson that I’m supposed to learn? That I’m so much stronger and better-off being single?” I breathed a sigh of relief when I returned home. After donning some poofy holiday socks, popping a bottled Root Beer, and lounging with my young son, I realized that if their route was my only other choice, I would indeed want to stay single.

What we need is a signal that confirms our lessons have been learned. Like, “Ding! Ding! Ding! Congratulations! You’ve achieved Level 8: Maintaining Your Self.” Sort of like a video game, when you reach a new level you get more weapons, ammo or more doors open.

“Ding! Ding! Ding! 1YearOfSingle, you’ve just discovered all your crappy romances were to actually help everyone else succeed in love!” Oh lovely. Well at least I know now. 😉 Lol…

Bitches

There’s a bible out there that I have to tell you all about. An awesome friend of mine, Jen, told me about this book and I have to pass it on to all of you. And when I say, “bible,” I mean an authority on the subject. The subject: being a bitch. The bible: Why Men Love Bitches. Oh, Sherry Argov, I love your book – and I love you. This fits my “1 Year of Single” challenge perfectly!

What makes me sick, however, is that deep down inside I already knew the contents of this book, but like a typical female, I talked myself out of taking care of myself. Now, that’s painful if you consider the numerous years that I wasted 1.) trying to repair failing relationships only to inadvertently screw them up and 2.) I could have gotten so many more things done for myself.

Who knew that if I took care of myself, everything would have fallen in line? My stuck-in-the-’50s mother taught me to give, give, give – give til you’re depleted! Yet, that never worked for her. And now – what’s more ironic – is that it’s 2013 and countless women are still giving, giving, giving and are still getting depleted, depleted, depleted. It makes me want to poke all of our stuck-in-the-’50s mothers in the eyeballs with lemon-loaded fork prongs.

…When I think of the time I wasted that I could have been spending taking care of me! UHG…

It’s almost scary to consider that I can do whatever I want for a whole year. I can say “no thanks” to a guy because I’m off the hook for a year! No guilt, no explanations. I won’t have to explain to my friends why I said “no” to Captain Cutie, because they’ll already know that I swore-off dating for a year. And think about those family get-togethers. No more, “I may know a good guy for you,” who turns out to be a three-time DWI champion who lives in his parent’s moldy basement. No thanks – I’m doing the “1 Year of Single” challenge!

This whole Bitch thing encompasses so many possibilites. It’s quite empowering to realize that I can actually take care of me with no guilt. No guilt! Photography? Check! Margaritas with the girls? Check! Comedy Clubs? Check! Wine bars! Double check!

Men must feel like this all the time. No wonder they don’t want to be in relationships. I feel so free.

But doing what I want isn’t the only thing that being a bitch entails. In the next year I’m going to thoroughly utilize those glorious points in Sherry’s book. And oh yes, you’ll get to hear about it.