No one is perfect, especially when I’ve gone through the hell of dealing with a cheater. So when I finally reach the point when I’m ready to pull the plug, I can’t help but think, “Should I mess with the jerk a little? Inject a little paranoia and guilt? or just cut him loose? While I always toy with scenarios of how to make his life the equivalent hell that he’s so guiltlessly made mine, I haven’t — as of yet — poured the time, nor energy into the revenge scenario. Why? Because the d-bag already stole enough of my time; I’m not gifting him with more!
Check out @aquacat on Instagram for more beautiful images of this kitty 😍
And unfortunately if it’s anger or resentment, then you’ll get more anger and resentment. Do yourself a favor, and when you start thinking about how someone is pissing you off, stop yourself and think of that one thing that makes you happy. Get yourself a Positivity App if you have to.
But honestly, when I put in the effort to stop myself from wanting to kick some asses, things actually do get better. And they get better quickly.
So here’s “the thing”: You can be miserable 100% of the time because you think “bad things are going to happen anyway – so why bother,” OR you can HAVE and allow yourself to enjoy glimpses of happiness while you have them until all hell breaks loose.
From what I can see, one of these scenarios offers happiness, and the other doesn’t. Your choice.
“Why’s that?” he asked
“I’m clearly not learning some kind of lesson that God needs me to learn,” I mused. “It’s always got to do with a lesson. Ennndddless lessons.” I laughed. But I was still serious. Only at this point in my life I’ve been questioning if someone DID enter my world, would I really want to make room for him?”
Either way, I feel like I’m in a constant state of studying. What makes the universe choose one person to have something and another to not?
I was with some married friends this past weekend, watching them argue brutally most of the day. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. I couldn’t help but think, “Is this the lesson that I’m supposed to learn? That I’m so much stronger and better-off being single?” I breathed a sigh of relief when I returned home. After donning some poofy holiday socks, popping a bottled Root Beer, and lounging with my young son, I realized that if their route was my only other choice, I would indeed want to stay single.
What we need is a signal that confirms our lessons have been learned. Like, “Ding! Ding! Ding! Congratulations! You’ve achieved Level 8: Maintaining Your Self.” Sort of like a video game, when you reach a new level you get more weapons, ammo or more doors open.
“Ding! Ding! Ding! 1YearOfSingle, you’ve just discovered all your crappy romances were to actually help everyone else succeed in love!” Oh lovely. Well at least I know now. 😉 Lol…
Sometimes it’s exhausting hearing people say, “You did the right thing.” Because besides not being involved in a toxic, unhealthy relationship, I’m forever alone. And while I love me – and quite honestly can’t think of anyone I’d want to break into my happy little reverie that I’ve got going – sometimes it would be nice to feel rewarded for tough decisions I’ve made with something other than “Your life won’t suck now.” Sometimes that consolation prize just doesn’t cut it.
When It first really hit me that I was going to have to divorce my alcoholic husband, I went into a state of shock. I had put so much faith, hope and trust in him and our future that the realization of divorce hit me like a brick wall. But knowing I couldn’t erase the past or fix an alcoholic, I knew I had reached an important point in my life and one of two choices had to be made: 1.) Act like a victim and take the “woah is me” path that my parents hoped I’d take, living a life of victim, where my son would eventually have a heartbreaking life of similar dysfunction B.) Get the hell out, cut out the toxic people, find happiness and give my son a fighting chance. I chose B. Unfortunately not everyone has the strength to choose B. I still worry about my ex-boyfriend and his children, and how his choice to return to a toxic marriage will ultimately destroy him and his children. I do pray for them. But it’s a choice he made. And anyone who makes a choice like that is not for me.
Have you ever had that internal conversation with yourself about your significant other, thinking “Why don’t they do this? or, “Why won’t they do that?” Chances are it’s nothing they want to do, it’s only something YOU would do. And that’s where the dilemma comes in. While you should know the things you want in a partner, you also need to realize it’s a list that most likely stems from your own personality traits. Why don’t they do it? Because it’s not in their personality – it’s in yours. And if it’s not in their personality, and you want it, ultimately THEY are not who you want. I was in shock thinking, “How can he NOT want an honest relationship where we work together as partners??” Then I realized – that’s what I want. HE didn’t want that.
He still has no balls to say, “Hey, I’m sorry for making up that huge elaborate story about how I’m getting a divorce and that I tried to get my parents-in-law to get my ex-wife to sign the already drawn-up divorce paperwork THEN told you later that I never said any of that,” just watches me everywhere and gets on elevators with me trying to strike up conversations. No, thank you. Because I have nothing left to give you. But you know what would help? “I’m so sorry I wrecked you.” That would actually help. But if he doesn’t have the balls to remove his kids from a toxic environment, he definitely won’t have the balls to ever say, “I’m sorry.”
The last two guys were relatively the same: Undercover assholes. Acting like their exes were bad people. But after they drove me crazy for years with their game-playing and lies, I realized their exes were probably made that way. I had sympathy. No – EMPATHY. And as a final straw, neither of these men were divorced, getting a divorce, etc, like they claimed. I want to send flowers to their wives. But on the flip side – THEY ULTIMATELY CHOOSE TO STAY WITH THOSE IDIOTS.
Ha ha ha… Nah. I wouldn’t want to live through all that again, but I do wonder how my life would have been different if “I knew then what I know now.” There are times when I feel like I just started learning how to date. Yet, mix that with my age and I feel like I’m at the end of the line. Yes – I’m very hard on myself and that includes my age. To 20-somethings, I’m a mom. To 30-somethings, I’m “hot! Oh wait-she’s how old?? To 40-somethings, I’m invisible. To 50-somethings, I’m a fresh petite filet fresh off the gourmet grill. I feel passed-over at every stage of life, but luckily at this point I’m counting on it. I no longer yearn for someone to spend time with doing new things and having new adventures. I stopped scanning rooms and commuter trains for eligible guys. At this point if I do see someone I think, “How can he possibly improve my life?” Ah, now thats what a year has done. So turn back the clock? Maybe to this past Friday during an awesome Halloween with my son, or a few Fridays ago during cocktails with Friends.
Folks ask me what I’ve learned in a year and it usually comes back to how no guy has impressed me nearly enough to make me keep him around. I usually go back to being happy as a single mom. And the further I go, the more I realize that I’m not sure anyone will ever be worth that changing.
Yes, that’s an eggplant.
So I started watching this show and I thought to myself, “Omg she reminds me of me… a lot…” and then I realized oh my God I’m a Gilmore Girl? I don’t even think the show is on anymore – it’s on Netflix – but there I am, all Gilmore-y. So if you ever wonder what it’s like to talk to me directly, just watch Gilmore Girls and check out Lorelai Gilmore. I’m a slightly less manic version but pretty close when you pull my zip cord. Lol
Martyr Syndrome. It’s what I told friends my mother had. “You’re hurting Mommy’s feelings,” was a popular statement, meant to control me after all else failed. In the last year I’ve purposely studied couples and took mental notes on which seemed genuinely happy. None of the genuinely happy couples contained a martyr. They seemed to respect each other and openly trust the other. And this makes sense considering martyrs almost flaunt their manipulation in the face of their partner. Almost like saying, “I don’t care about you as much as I care about my immaturity. I’m about to control you with guilt, are you strong enough to call my bluff?”
When I was young, I didn’t have the capacity to call my mother’s bluff and tell her to cut the crap. The best I could do was return her favor with passive aggressive comments. Thankfully, years of therapy later gave me the strength to cut both her and toxic boyfriends out of my life. Thanks to her training I knew if the guy felt no guilt acting like a martyr while we dated, it certainly wouldn’t improve after marriage.
You should get tired of looking for in other people, the happiness and satisfaction you should find in yourself. Seek fulfillment through your own achievements. And don’t stop searching for your own personal passion until you find it. When you find it, you’ll know.