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When you realize you wasted 30 years trying to please dipshits

It’s taken me years to be selfish about my own time. I had been giving away my time like grains of sand — endless and unwanted. I was spending my time with men that didn’t appreciate me. All because my psycho mother convinced me that marriage was necessary to be a worthy human.

I was giving my time trying to make boyfriends happy, but they weren’t. I was giving endlessly and not getting back. Those were countless seconds, endless minutes, and piles of hours wasted for dipshits who just didn’t give a rat’s ass how much of myself I was wasting on them, all because my mother injected the idea that marriage was what I was supposed to do with my life. I wasn’t worth anything unless I was married.

During my dating years, men constantly cheated or returned to unhealthy women just because the woman made shows of absurd tantrums, citing endless love—when in reality they were all just insecure and trying to manipulate the situation so they weren’t rejected and alone. You’d think I was one of those sappy, sniveling girls who begs for a man’s attention. But I wasn’t. I was relatively independent. One friend would tell me almost too independent while another friend would tell me not independent enough. Either way I felt screwed. Too this, too that. Never quite perfect, but somehow still too perfect. And yet I prayed continuously for the dipshits to see my worth and reject the hoochies like the heroes in novels. How could they be so easily fooled by stupid, selfish women? Wouldn’t it all work out in the end? Don’t they know better? 

And the worst question of all:

Why bother being good at all if it never, every amounts to anything?

The man I asked that question to actually did return to an alcoholic bipolar cheater. How do I know she really was? She left a psycho message on my voicemail, confessing.

Men have proved to me over the years that they’re not worth the effort. Oh, believe me—my male friends are brilliant and I love them dearly. But men to date? I’ve found them all incredibly bitter disappointments, saying they were divorced when they weren’t. Saying they were getting divorced when they weren’t. Saying they weren’t alcoholics when clearly their police record revealed they were. Saying they were done with abusive women but returning to them. Cheating and blaming their impotence on me. The list was endless and quite laughable, if not horrifying. I was floored at the lack of integrity and honor. And yet I constantly forgave, forgave, forgave. For what? My best relationship even ended with an “I’ll destroy you,”  from my boyfriend, via email while I sat in horror reading it at my desk.

“Why don’t you try one of those dating sites?” a friend asked. Just hearing the question made me want to peel my skin off and singe my nerves with a white-hot poker. The mass majority of men that I came across on dating sites were an insufferable mass of liars, hell-bent on not being alone. They were loaded with fear and bouncing from girl to girl like their asses were made of rubber. I could barely hear the question without wanting to scream. It was bad enough that the men I dated were like that when I had discovered them organically without inserting myself willingly into the scenario.

I had absolutely no tolerance to even think about giving away more of my precious time to a single cell of dipshit anymore. The thought was repulsive. I had so much I wanted to do with my life and was putting it off. Grossly procrastinating while searching for a dimwit to share my life with. All the while assuming that when I found such dumbass, the fool would be able to help me run my life.

What a damn joke.

“You need a sex toy,” one of my guy friends said. We laughed. I told him a sex toy with old batteries would probably be more reliable than what I’m used to. “Let me pick it,” he added.

No man who I’ve dated has ever been able to help me with anything except maybe a flat tire. It’s not to say that men are stupid or useless — far from it. It’s just the fools I’ve been saddled with knew far less than I hoped for, especially considering that I’ve been taught from an early age to believe men had all the answers and I had absolutely none.

Do you suffer from this? Did your parents teach you that you’re too stupid to make your own decisions and that you need a male proxy to think?

It’s taken me 45 years to realize that the only person who really knows bum-kiss about my life is me. That’s damn right—me. I learned that, and I learned that I’ve been wasting precious gobs of time on people who had both no desire nor intellect to my life.

When the full blast of this realization finally hit me, I wanted to vomit. I will no longer be spending time wondering what man will “save” me from my life, nor even to help me make decisions. How absurd. I’ve watched fools make a mess of their own lives, the very last thing I’m going to do is let them control mine.

And with a vise-grip on that thought process, I’ve started forming my bucket list. It’s getting done faster than ever before because I have so much more free time to work on it.

xoxo
-1Yos

 

Remember everything, not just the good

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I have an ex who I constantly “feel for,” meaning — I feel bad that he’s “trapped” in a toxic marriage. But he chose that path. He made his decision. He could leave like all the other great dads that I know, but he doesn’t. He chooses to stay. And because of his choice, he’ll not only be stuck with someone who cheated on him, but he’ll be stuck with someone who makes his life — according to him — a living hell. Their relationship is one of the most toxic I’ve ever witnessed, and yet he doesn’t leave. That’s weakness.

If you find yourself starting to fall for the same jerk repeatedly, remember that someone, somewhere is dealing with his true colors. And if he ever breaks with her and gets with you, chances are he’ll most likely treat you the same way.

Cross or Burn?

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The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn. Sometimes the one you want to cross is the one you should burn.

Even Rome Fell

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Time moves on. You may have been with someone since your teens, but people change. Lives evolve. Time moves on.

A Marriage. To have or to not have.

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I’m not against marriage. I’m against alcoholics destroying my life. So I left my husband. My mother had much too much influence over me in the past, convincing me to marry an unstable person. And I actually did it! Sadly, once I married him, I finally had her approval. But the price was enormous, so I eventually left him. You can bet your life I’ll make it my own decision next time. Thankfully she’s out of my life now, but I’ll never forget the disturbing lessons she taught me. Toxic people are ever worth keeping, even if they’re a parent.

Live your own life

2015/01/img_1310.jpg If you return to a nutjob because your family wants you to, your friends don’t want anything to change, or your kids are scared, you’re doing it for them, not you. Life your life. They have their own.

Best Advice

2015/01/img_1063.jpg The best way to be happy with someone who doesn’t want you is to move on.

The feeling you get…

2015/01/img_1062.jpg For all of you who are going through hell right now, this one is for you!

Single Lessons Learned

IMG_0267-0.JPG A friend and I were discussing why I was meant to be single. “I really believe I’m meant to be alone right now,” I said.

“Why’s that?” he asked

“I’m clearly not learning some kind of lesson that God needs me to learn,” I mused. “It’s always got to do with a lesson. Ennndddless lessons.” I laughed. But I was still serious. Only at this point in my life I’ve been questioning if someone DID enter my world, would I really want to make room for him?”

Either way, I feel like I’m in a constant state of studying. What makes the universe choose one person to have something and another to not?

I was with some married friends this past weekend, watching them argue brutally most of the day. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. I couldn’t help but think, “Is this the lesson that I’m supposed to learn? That I’m so much stronger and better-off being single?” I breathed a sigh of relief when I returned home. After donning some poofy holiday socks, popping a bottled Root Beer, and lounging with my young son, I realized that if their route was my only other choice, I would indeed want to stay single.

What we need is a signal that confirms our lessons have been learned. Like, “Ding! Ding! Ding! Congratulations! You’ve achieved Level 8: Maintaining Your Self.” Sort of like a video game, when you reach a new level you get more weapons, ammo or more doors open.

“Ding! Ding! Ding! 1YearOfSingle, you’ve just discovered all your crappy romances were to actually help everyone else succeed in love!” Oh lovely. Well at least I know now. 😉 Lol…

Stay Together for the Kids – Said No Therapist, Ever

IMG_0761.JPG There was a guy I dated that went back to his abusive ex wife for the kids. So instead of making a peaceful loving home for his kids he chose to continue the fighting and aggravation so that he didn’t have to spend money on a divorce. My father did the same thing years ago. After years of struggling to have a relationship with my father I finally cut ties. My ex doesn’t realize-and I’m not about to tell him-that by saving a few dollars he could potentially be losing his children forever. This decision he made is one of those decisions that changed my opinion of our relationship forever. If you can’t save your children I don’t want you. And that’s when I decided to let him go.

“I’m sorry” Goes a Long Way

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The dumbest thing I never did was get involved with someone from work. I know the rule, yet for some reason I blanked out, bypassing that rule and a major red flag on the first date. A year later, after catching him in a tremendous lie, I’m forced to see him in the halls, catch him looking at me and turning away. It’s heartbreaking, and I have to relive it every day. It’s like God’s punishing me for ignoring a red flag. I failed the test.

What’s worse is the fact that I see him looking at me and yet he can’t bring himself to say, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” You’d be surprised how these words can help and heal, and yet he doesn’t say them. But at the same time, he didn’t have the strength to divorce an abusive wife, so how would he possibly find the strength to apologize?

Right now I’m in a constant cycle of healing and hurting. It’s like as soon as I start healing he’s suddenly in the halls, passing me 400 times a day and the wound becomes fresh again.

I’m tired of it. I want to heal. I was healing, yet I have no idea what happened. Like a scab picked open and bleeding again. And every time my focus goes back to, “What kind of a man destroys someone else, and never says, ‘I’m sorry?’ “

Everyone Should Desire to Be Single

Everyone Should Desire to Be Single

Check out Jay’s post and see what you think…(Check the Comments section for mine, then add your own!)
Happy Saturday, all! 

-1YOS

The Pre-Thanksgiving Alcoholic

I can smell an alcoholic from a mile away. Unfortunately – in this case – there’s one right next to me on my commuter train home.

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Alcoholics think that no one knows they’re alcoholics. I know this guy’s an alcoholic. There’s a way alcoholics process alcohol – the smell of it hovers near their skin with a stale, sweet, fermenting, rotting essence. It permeates the area like old tobacco does after seeping into walls for years.

Whenever an alcoholic sits next to me, my skin crawls. My senses go on high alert because my ex-husband was an alcoholic.

I was home making stuffed mushrooms on Thanksgiving Eve, 2006, when my husband [at the time] came home after drinking all day. He was so inebriated it was like a stranger had entered the apartment. It was a violating feeling, having my husband’s body – with a stranger’s personality – enter my home, and the worst part about it is that I couldn’t do anything about it like I could if it really was a stranger. When he harassed me or dumped an entire container of spice into my recipe, all I could do was gently plead for him to stop, hoping by some miracle something I said would snap him out of it.

Nothing ever did.

There were times when he’d come home at 3am after being unreachable all day. One night I used my laptop as a shield as I ran through the apartment with my husband throwing things at me. Another night I shut myself in the closet, but he opened it, smashed it closed, opened it and smashed it again – all the while screaming, “What did I do wrong!? What did I do wrong?!”

I was terrified. He was a hunter and although still new at the sport, he had knives, bows and a rifle. There were times while I waited for him to come home at night that I considered sleeping on the floor beside the bed just so I wasn’t vulnerable when sleeping.

Those times made me realize that I had to make a choice: I could fall into the dramatic cinematic B.S. that a lot of women fall into and potentially have people pitying me for the rest of my life like a piece of worthless trash, or i could do something about it.

Neither of my parents were alcoholics, but they were both physically abusive and emotionally abandoned me. And no one had ever saved me from them. So I thought about my baby boy, “I have to save his life like no one saved mine.” I had to save his life like no one saved mine.

My ex-husband still tries to get me into fights even to this day. But it’s completely different now because I have my own safe haven. My home is an oasis because it’s just my son and me who live there. I no longer have to peep around the door when I come home at night to see if my ex is drunk, passed out or dead. I know my son is safe and happy in our home. And my stuffed mushrooms on Thanksgiving are perfect.

I hate alcoholics. I’m sorry, I do. And I hate when they sit next to me on my commuter train home.

But I love myself for being brave enough to save myself and my son. Its made all the difference.

What kind of asshole hangs out with child abusers?

I went to my sons swimming lessons today because for the last classes they let the parents watch. My ex-husband was there obviously because he has my son this weekend. We exchanged some small talk about my son’s swimming efforts when I added, “Oh by the way, I heard more information about my sisters abuse by my parents.” My ex-husband then flipped out saying, “why you got to talk about that?” I replied, “because you’re hanging out with child molesters!”

Apparently also among the years of being physically abused by my parents my mother also had my sister sexually abused by a doctor. My sister had left the family years ago without telling anybody why and my mother spread the rumor that my sister was crazy and angry. Until recently. I had called my sister last year to complain about my parents and she revealed every reason why she left the family and horrid detail. Needless to say I was floored because of the years of manipulation that my mother had putting in, telling everyone my sister was crazy, meanwhile it was my mother who was the one who was crazy – bringing my sister to a doctor repeatedly to have her sexually abused.

Now my husband, who has no parents because he threatened to kill his own mother for her abusing him, doesn’t have any of his parents so he hangs out with my parents. And in the meantime I discovered that his mother was angry because she too was sexually abused by her grandfather and her mother who is my ex-husband’s grandmother knew about it.

Are you keeping up with this?

So basically my ex-husband hangs out with abusive parents but refuses to believe that my sister was sexually abused because he’s desperate to have parents of his own that he’s will ing to go so far as to hang out with sexual abusers in order to have a relationship with any parents at all.

Every time I try to talk to him about any kind of abuse he sides with the abuser. It’s infuriating! What kind of moron hangs out with someone whose abused them for so long or abused other people? It infuriates me that this world is based upon fear. Any it infuriates me that hes stupid and naïve enough to believe that my mother, with a passive aggressive sweetheart low voice, is not an abuser!

Wake up and smell the coffee you moron!

* This entire post was made through Siri, and will be edited so if it doesn’t make sense check back in a day or two and it’ll be updated ha ha 🙂 xo