Let’s say you live the guy/girl, and it’s been some time and you’re talking again. Have they addressed what happened? If you honestly believed they were at fault, were they capable of saying anything, let alone “I’m sorry”? I dated one guy who lied huge, unmistakable lies. He not only completely disrespected me, but tried to tell me I was harsh to him when I discovered his huge, obscene lie. Balls. It’s possible to move on with someone who makes a mistake, but how do they handle the aftermath?
Getting back together – or staying with – someone who lied and cheated is NOT a prize to me. I’m sorry, all those posts about working it out annoy me. Folks shouldn’t lie and cheat in the first place, and in my opinion the only one who wins in those cases are the people who lied and cheated.
Welcome to the series of posts that started 1YearOfSingle.
If you’ve ever dated someone who has cheated and lied, you may have gone through this. Two boyfriends ago I was dating a guy who claimed had filed divorce paperwork (we were both in the middle of divorces at the time). After we broke-up I decided to call the county where he supposedly filed and asked the woman to confirm. “He said he filed already,” I explained. She put me on hold. After a few minutes she returned, verified neither his name nor his wife’s were in the system, “There’s no paperwork under either of those names.” Embarrassed, I explained that we had already broken-up, but still wanted to look into a few things. She laughed like she’s heard this multiple times before.
Because my ex and I were still in communication at that time, I told him – among other things – that he indeed was NOT divorced, and had never even filed like he said he did multiple times. Instead of feeling guilty, or horrified, he had the audacity to act mad at me for “checking up on him.” Ladies – Men – if you feel like you have to play detective, it’s not a relationship. And if the asshole acts indignant, with no sympathy, empathy, or is a complete asshole, then the breakup may be for for the best.
And quite frankly for me, it pissed me off enough to help me heal.
For over a year I was being dragged along by a misguided, undeserving liar who repeatedly told me that he was divorcing his dysfunctional wife. There are a few reasons I had even bothered to entertain thoughts of dating him in the first place, most of which had nothing to do with my instinct or first opinion. I had ended it more than once only to allow myself to get sucked back into a very ridiculous adult high school-like drama. After months and many “looks” from him, we had an email conversation where he pretty-much proved his need to lie. Needless to say I was still disappointed in him, but with this round of torture, I also found the very much needed Closure.
This guy is crazy.
As he attempted to weave spells of magic around the last year of lies that he’s spilled while drunk, I realized, “This guy is not only toxic, but he’s never going to change, and he doesn’t want to.” And I realized he’s just like my alcoholic ex-husband.
And so the shackles have opened and I finally see him in a new light — which is awesome, but I feel lost as well. I feel alone in the world. Strange — considering I’ve got plenty of friends.
I think this permanent closure has opened my world for me, but without having — or better yet: Constantly focusing on my — goals, I feel lost. There’s overhanging “residue” from my mother who insisted my life goal was to meet someone and get married.
Screw that. I have closure. I’m holding my closure close and protecting it like a homeless man with a freshly baked baguette.
Closure is awesome. I don’t check my many forms of communication for signs of his toxicity anymore. I now pity him. What a fool. He’s accepting a life of negativity. What a shame. Oh well.
The day I had received the closure I needed and I was finally done with him, I wanted to skip through the halls. I couldn’t, but I’ll settle for this:
When I discover that someone has been lying, their complete silence stuns me more than the lies themselves. What’s left in their wake is an onslought of questions while the liar sails away Scott free.
I don’t understand that mindset. Isn’t there any conscience at all? How does he not think, “Wow, I really destroyed her. She’s really upset. I feel really bad.” Is he going to sit there and convince himself that he never lied to me? How do people do that? How do they allow themselves to think that way?
What kind of person does that?
And after everything he told me about his ex, he’s going back?
Within seconds after thinking the questions above, I realized he could have lied to me about everything – not just the one major point that I discovered. I have no idea what the truth is now and because he doesn’t care enough to actually tell me, I’ll never know. Those revelations threw me into a new phase of shock, and my head spun so much that I forced myself to refocus on something else. Something positive.
It annoys me that the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning is this. I don’t deserve this and he knows that. I’m constantly refocusing all day from negative to positive. Thank God it’s working.
Anyone whose lies are so grand that you have to break up with them isn’t worth the time it takes to figure out why they lied in the first place. Add to that the most disrespectful type of silence there is and you’ve got a guilt-free excuse to cut them out of your life forever and move on immediately.
I used to be shocked at the crazy things some women did after breakups. Hell, I thought his wife was crazy. But after his disrespectful onsloght of silence from him, I understand now. I understand why some women go batsh!t crazy.
All I can think now is that they can have each other. Theyre both insane. What I’d like to do now, though, is stay positive. I think helping others survive breakups by focusing on the future and staying positive is essential to any recovery, and certainly helps regain footing in the wake of the maddening silence.
Read “Letter to a friend” below…
He preempts his lack of communication responses by saying something similar to, “I dont really check my email,” or “I’m not really into texting.”