My son and I were discussing #StanLee and his impact on the world, and realized he’s affected us as well. Every holiday that we went to the movies – if there was a Marvel movie – that was our choice, and it became tradition for us to look for Lee in the film. And so there we were about 20 minutes ago, blubbering in my son’s room, wiping some light tears from our faces for a man we never met.
Now, accepting that my son and I were misty over Lee may help you realize why you became so attached to someone in your life in such a short time. Ultimately, it’s never the length of time that you know someone that matters — it’s the quality, the meaning that they bring into your life that matters.
I remember feeling like there was something wrong with me if I didn’t go out every holiday. The truth is, not everyone goes out and parties every holiday. Don’t look at Facebook as an example of what life should be – Facebook tends to only show the best parts of people’s lives. Thinking that every holiday should be like Facebook’s display of holiday gatherings is unrealistic.
Allow yourself to stay home sometimes. Spend time with your family in your own space. Don’t let friends make you feel guilty for getting rest and relaxation – especially if you’re going through a divorce or breakup. We certainly didn’t feel guilty for taking a 2pm nap when we were 16 – why feel guilty now? Yes, you should go out during a divorce/breakup. Yes, you should stay in touch with friends. But stopping to smell the roses is also necessary. And doing so during the holidays is a great way to celebrate your new-fought freedom. You can have just as much fun and relaxation in your own pool, with your own bbq. Go out tomorrow, and let your friends know what a kickass time you had chillin’ by the pool.
Match.com leaves your profile online even after you’ve gone through the deletion process. I know this because years ago I deleted my profile and received the “your profile is deleted, but will be on display until…” reply. I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted the profile down immediately. If it’s still on display, it’s not really deleted, is it?
Match not only didn’t remove my profile when I wanted it to, but it continued to slam me with notifications and emails. I was then forced to change my profile to reflect that I’m no longer willing to be in the dating game, especially on Match.com. “This profile has been deleted,” I wrote. “Please don’t contact me.” Yet I was still slammed with countless emails from guys who either didn’t read my profile, or thought I’d be a fun challenge. Either way, it only proved they were mentally unhealthy.
I had a brief discussion with my then-therapist about this.
“If they’re trying to contact me,” I began, “despite me explaining the situation and vividly expressing that I’m no longer interested in dating—isn’t it really just revealing their unwillingness to get involved with someone who is available?” I asked. Yes, the therapist agreed.
“So even if their profile seems solid,” I continued, “I should probably still not bother because they’re trying to get involved with an emotionally unavailable girl, yes?” Yes, the therapist agreed again.
Hot damn, I thought, Men are just like us. They want to get involved with unavailable women. They may not even realize it themselves, we concluded. It may all be on a subconscious level.
Good God, I thought. I sat back in shock for a minute, proud of myself for the revelation, humored that I could finally see the Matrix, but dismayed over the reality of it all. Logically speaking, the theory actually proves that men who fight for their women are actually mentally unhealthy.
Soak that in. How many of us have wanted our guy to fight for us in some manner or another? So in essence, do we want them to be mentally unhealthy?
My mind was spinning. I left the therapist’s office feeling defeated. I thought about the MarriedGuy who went back to his unstable wife, “fighting” to make his marriage work. Sad, I thought, but good riddance. I realized that if he was willing to take-back someone who was that unhealthy, he couldn’t possibly be healthy enough for me. And I realized as my own self-awareness and self-assurance grew, the dating pool shrank. Significantly.
I crossed New York City’s midtown streets on my way back to work, still thinking about how the dating pool was becoming nothing more than a dried-up puddle. The thought repeated in my mind. Unhealthy men like unavailable women.
In all honesty, women do the same thing. My friends and I clocked plenty of hours chasing unavailable men. So we can’t sit-back and say it’s just the men. It’s everyone. But that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it.
Unstable men like unavailable women. The thought persisted. I started wondering if the level of unavailability in women mattered. What if a women just didn’t want to get involved because she wanted to live her life for a while? There should be a difference between busy women and women who blatantly say “hell no,” right?
My solution is to find out. I’ve been researching all the things that I’ve wanted to do over the years, but never had time for. While my original “1 Year of Single” has been over for a few years now, I still want to use my 1-year, yet this time it’ll be 1 Year of Rediscovery. 1 year of rediscovering myself and things I love to do. Have you ever spent a specific amount of time purposely rediscovering yourself? That’s what I’ll be doing. And I guarantee, it won’t include spending time on Match.com.
Okay, so I’m new at this. But the message is still the same: Just because folks post awesome statuses doesn’t meant their lives are like that 100% of the time. And while we’d love for everyone’s lives to be fabulous all the time, it’s just not possible. So don’t fool yourself into believing you’re the only one in a breakup, the only one with poor health, the only one with unsupportive parents… Consider Facebook the best of society’s social life. And give yourself a break. As a matter of fact, if you’re in a tough time right now, consider staying off Facebook for at least a week.
🌸When I’m single, I feel more free. When I breakup with someone – even when I broke up with my parents – my first thought has always been “What can I do now that I haven’t been able to do before?” Sure, it shouldn’t be that way, but you’re dreaming if you think your partner likes everything you do (or likes to do everything that you like to do). We’re human – it’s simply impossible. And who would want all those similarities, anyway?
So in that vein, I introduce the Mismatch Underwear Theory – or M.U.T.. It basically is a symbol of freedom. I feel freer to do what I want when I’m single – like wearing mismatched goods. Hey, it’s just my thing. Another example: I watch more girlie movies. Another example: I eat Java Mocha Chip for dinner. No biggie.
Make a good point about your Mismatch Underwear Theories below OR Singledom theories below – or at my Instagram (link below) and I just may add you to my bog, or mention you in my upcoming Live Broadcasts! 🌸🙌🏻🌸 Bam! -1YOS
Don’t stress the could haves. If it should have, it would have. / It kills me when people say, “But we were meant for each other” or “we were perfect for each other. That’s crap. If they were so perfect for each other, they’d still be together. I started training myself to concentrate on that aspect of the breakup, not what I thought “should have been.” What we think “should have been” is just what we really wanted. So jot it down on your “want” list, and move on.
One of the things I concentrate on after a breakup is myself. I like to reevaluate what I’m looking for in another decent human, and I can’t do that if I’m not happy with who I am both mentally and pysically. So I hop a train to Happyville by seeing a therapist (“Why was I wish him? He made me bat-shit crazy!”) and I start working out. Yeah, yeah, I should have been exercising while I was dating the guy, sure. But when you live two hours from your job, are raising a child on your own, coaching a sports team and freelancing, working-out tends to get pushed to a back burner. Or in my case: right off the stove.
But when I do workout… look out! I’m a rock star! I immediately feel like I can conquer the world, my career, my breakup and my insane schedule. And it’s what makes me jump on the scale and think…
Let’s say you live the guy/girl, and it’s been some time and you’re talking again. Have they addressed what happened? If you honestly believed they were at fault, were they capable of saying anything, let alone “I’m sorry”? I dated one guy who lied huge, unmistakable lies. He not only completely disrespected me, but tried to tell me I was harsh to him when I discovered his huge, obscene lie. Balls. It’s possible to move on with someone who makes a mistake, but how do they handle the aftermath?