Being Single, Bitches, Breakups, Dating, Life, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Relationships

“Why Are You Single?”

After years and countless guys asking why I’m single, I’ve decided to tally the list of reasons why I’m single. In no specific order of romances, and often combined:

  • He was an alcoholic
  • He was bipolar
  • He was a narcissist
  • He stole credit cards
  • He smoked weed
  • He was on steroids
  • He heated on me
  • He was a little too much into surfing
  • He was too materialistic
  • He constantly tallied the finances of every one he knew
  • He talked too much shit about his friends
  • He was nasty to me for no reason too many times
  • He was married
  • He wasn’t divorced
  • He wasn’t sure if he wanted to get divorced
  • He went back to his wife
  • He wanted to go back to his wife
  • He went back to his girlfriend
  • He wanted to go back to his girlfriend
  • He wanted threesomes
  • He had no motivation for success
  • He was too obsessed with his job
  • He moved to Florida
  • He lived in Pennsylvania
  • He may have been gay
  • He never told his friends who I was
  • He couldn’t handle my psycho family
  • I couldn’t handle dating while still living with my psycho family
  • He had no backbone
  • He was too white trash
  • He wasn’t a good father to his own kids
  • He was unreliable
  • He disappeared all the time
  • He was a compulsive liar
  • I wasn’t attracted to him
  • He tried to father my son before we were really dating
  • He sweated in a very strange way
  • He was a self-declared womanizer
  • He didn’t listen to a thing I said
  • His mother was dying (she really was)
  • He didn’t like blow jobs

There you go! That’s off the top of my head. I started to get a very Jim Carey, Liar, Liar voice going in my head while I read the list. Sadly some of those are compiled issues.

Being Single, Dysfunctional, Relationships

My Co-Worker Needs Sex

I can be pissed-off at my co-worker for subjecting me to the last few weeks of her bi-polar antics, or I can accept the fact that she’s a single older woman with no boyfriend. The woman needs sex.

The only reason I’m thinking about this now is because I can’t stop the porn-like scenarios in my head of what I’d like to do to McDreamy, and it got me thinking that maybe Daisy* needs sex too. Maybe Daisy’s entire manic, snappy, condescending attitude is really because no one has slipped her the hot beef injection in years.

The other day a commuter buddy suggested I buy a vibrator for her on the way to work… Great suggestion! (And maybe one for me too? No, I still haven’t!)

Have any of you seen the documentary on women and “hysteria?” Apparently a little over a hundred years ago women were pouring into doctors offices with manic-like symptoms. They had a plethora of unexplainable symptoms: on the verge of tears, angry, crying. A nice menagerie of complicated feeling that somehow convinced the doctors to rub-them-out until they orgasmed. Who’s the first guy who came to that solution?? It’s no wonder so many men became doctors.

A few days ago I was describing Daisy’s latest condescending speech to Jen: “Well you can’t just throw up your hands and give up! You’re going to have to start thinking at some point – I can’t think for the two of us!” when Jen suggested, “It’s possible Daisy gets no love in her vagina.”

Aw Daisy. Her flower needs love.

*names changed to protect the guilty