bipolar – 1 Year of Single

After years and countless guys asking why I’m single, I’ve decided to tally the list of reasons why I’m single. In no specific order of romances, and often combined:

He was an alcoholic
He was bipolar
He was a narcissist
He stole credit cards
He smoked weed
He was on steroids
He heated on me
He was a little too much into surfing
He was too materialistic
He constantly tallied the finances of every one he knew
He talked too much shit about his friends
He was nasty to me for no reason too many times
He was married
He wasn’t divorced
He wasn’t sure if he wanted to get divorced
He went back to his wife
He wanted to go back to his wife
He went back to his girlfriend
He wanted to go back to his girlfriend
He wanted threesomes
He had no motivation for success
He was too obsessed with his job
He moved to Florida
He lived in Pennsylvania
He may have been gay
He never told his friends who I was
He couldn’t handle my psycho family
I couldn’t handle dating while still living with my psycho family
He had no backbone
He was too white trash
He wasn’t a good father to his own kids
He was unreliable
He disappeared all the time
He was a compulsive liar
I wasn’t attracted to him
He tried to father my son before we were really dating
He sweated in a very strange way
He was a self-declared womanizer
He didn’t listen to a thing I said
His mother was dying (she really was)
He didn’t like blow jobs

There you go! That’s off the top of my head. I started to get a very Jim Carey, Liar, Liar voice going in my head while I read the list. Sadly some of those are compiled issues.

I can be pissed-off at my co-worker for subjecting me to the last few weeks of her bi-polar antics, or I can accept the fact that she’s a single older woman with no boyfriend. The woman needs sex.

The only reason I’m thinking about this now is because I can’t stop the porn-like scenarios in my head of what I’d like to do to McDreamy, and it got me thinking that maybe Daisy* needs sex too. Maybe Daisy’s entire manic, snappy, condescending attitude is really because no one has slipped her the hot beef injection in years.

The other day a commuter buddy suggested I buy a vibrator for her on the way to work… Great suggestion! (And maybe one for me too? No, I still haven’t!)

Have any of you seen the documentary on women and “hysteria?” Apparently a little over a hundred years ago women were pouring into doctors offices with manic-like symptoms. They had a plethora of unexplainable symptoms: on the verge of tears, angry, crying. A nice menagerie of complicated feeling that somehow convinced the doctors to rub-them-out until they orgasmed. Who’s the first guy who came to that solution?? It’s no wonder so many men became doctors.

A few days ago I was describing Daisy’s latest condescending speech to Jen: “Well you can’t just throw up your hands and give up! You’re going to have to start thinking at some point – I can’t think for the two of us!” when Jen suggested, “It’s possible Daisy gets no love in her vagina.”

Aw Daisy. Her flower needs love.

*names changed to protect the guilty

Tag: bipolar

“Why Are You Single?”

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