Match.com leaves your profile online even after you’ve gone through the deletion process. I know this because years ago I deleted my profile and received the “your profile is deleted, but will be on display until…” reply. I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted the profile down immediately. If it’s still on display, it’s not really deleted, is it?
Match not only didn’t remove my profile when I wanted it to, but it continued to slam me with notifications and emails. I was then forced to change my profile to reflect that I’m no longer willing to be in the dating game, especially on Match.com. “This profile has been deleted,” I wrote. “Please don’t contact me.” Yet I was still slammed with countless emails from guys who either didn’t read my profile, or thought I’d be a fun challenge. Either way, it only proved they were mentally unhealthy.
I had a brief discussion with my then-therapist about this.
“If they’re trying to contact me,” I began, “despite me explaining the situation and vividly expressing that I’m no longer interested in dating—isn’t it really just revealing their unwillingness to get involved with someone who is available?” I asked. Yes, the therapist agreed.
“So even if their profile seems solid,” I continued, “I should probably still not bother because they’re trying to get involved with an emotionally unavailable girl, yes?” Yes, the therapist agreed again.
Hot damn, I thought, Men are just like us. They want to get involved with unavailable women. They may not even realize it themselves, we concluded. It may all be on a subconscious level.
Good God, I thought. I sat back in shock for a minute, proud of myself for the revelation, humored that I could finally see the Matrix, but dismayed over the reality of it all. Logically speaking, the theory actually proves that men who fight for their women are actually mentally unhealthy.
Soak that in. How many of us have wanted our guy to fight for us in some manner or another? So in essence, do we want them to be mentally unhealthy?
My mind was spinning. I left the therapist’s office feeling defeated. I thought about the MarriedGuy who went back to his unstable wife, “fighting” to make his marriage work. Sad, I thought, but good riddance. I realized that if he was willing to take-back someone who was that unhealthy, he couldn’t possibly be healthy enough for me. And I realized as my own self-awareness and self-assurance grew, the dating pool shrank. Significantly.
I crossed New York City’s midtown streets on my way back to work, still thinking about how the dating pool was becoming nothing more than a dried-up puddle. The thought repeated in my mind. Unhealthy men like unavailable women.
In all honesty, women do the same thing. My friends and I clocked plenty of hours chasing unavailable men. So we can’t sit-back and say it’s just the men. It’s everyone. But that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it.
Unstable men like unavailable women. The thought persisted. I started wondering if the level of unavailability in women mattered. What if a women just didn’t want to get involved because she wanted to live her life for a while? There should be a difference between busy women and women who blatantly say “hell no,” right?
My solution is to find out. I’ve been researching all the things that I’ve wanted to do over the years, but never had time for. While my original “1 Year of Single” has been over for a few years now, I still want to use my 1-year, yet this time it’ll be 1 Year of Rediscovery. 1 year of rediscovering myself and things I love to do. Have you ever spent a specific amount of time purposely rediscovering yourself? That’s what I’ll be doing. And I guarantee, it won’t include spending time on Match.com.
Folks ask me what I’ve learned in a year and it usually comes back to how no guy has impressed me nearly enough to make me keep him around. I usually go back to being happy as a single mom. And the further I go, the more I realize that I’m not sure anyone will ever be worth that changing.
I just had a dream with my ex. He ignored me, I ignored him. He left his shoes where I was in the dream and my old-self would have told him, “Hey, you left your shoes here.” But after 1Year Of Single and taking care of me – I left them there and walked away.
After cutting off cable and watching endless episodes of Biggest Loser on Hulu Plus, I’ve got a big fat hankering to try rock climbing. I know nothing about rock climbing so I’m going to research a few places in New York City. All I need is a wall and an instructor.
This is part of my To-Do list. I may have a friend come and photograph it. Hmmm…
I love the sh!t out of the online cards, SomeECards. Don’t be surprised if I bombard my blog with SomeECards (let’s just call them SEC). So what is SEC? If you’re having a sh!tty day and need a good laugh full of irony and sometimes vengeful wit, check out their site. You’ll be snorting across your keyboard in no time. And yeah, you can also make your own. Imagine what would have happened if Taylor Swift or even Eminem got a hold of SEC before their first albums came out.
“I just don’t understand why you’re single,” a guy said that to me recently. But after years of hearing it from others, I got really pissed off. It’s because I keep failing. Failed marriage. Failed relationships. I feel like I’ve been thrown multiple life lessons and I’m failing every one. Why else would the lessons be never-ending? When I look around, I don’t see everyone else going through years of endless dating torture.
I want to know when these stupid little life lessons are going to end and I’m going to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Where’s the damn prize? I feel like I’m getting nowhere, like a salmon swimming upstream; I don’t even know what the lessons are, or what the point of the lessons are. And yet at the same time, I look back on my decisions and think, “God must be tired of me spinning my wheels all the time like a Gafatch.”
I can’t accept that all happily married women got everything right or had learned all these ridiculous life lessons before they got married. Chose the right guy? Stayed true to themselves? Didn’t neglect their friends? Worked their career religiously? It’s a crock. I think most women – and men as well – are in denial about a lot of things pertaining to dating and their significant other.
Let’s talk about the things I’ve been in denial about when it came to the guys that have been in my life. Putting aside the fact that I’m a result of my dysfunctional family and they’ve had to deal with me, in whole or in part they:
– still had feelings for or went back to their ex
– cheated on me
– were on drugs
– couldn’t handle my dysfunctional family
– where in the middle of a divorce
– were not intelligent
– were alcoholics
– were low income
I’d like to say that there were no quality guys where I lived when I was younger, but I’ll be honest with you: I was completely terrified of quality guys. I had several that asked me out in my life and I emotionally and somewhat physically ran from them. I actually married my ex-husband thinking, “Well, he’s kind of a slob, but that’s okay because no other girl will want him.”
For the last few weeks I convinced myself that I wasn’t groveling for bits of affection. I quite pitifully accepted being on a back burner. I was allowing myself to be on the bottom of his list. Despite the fact that I get anxiety when I think of having to fit someone into my life – I was still accepting crumbs.
Typically from the above scenario I would picture an unkept girl with wrinkly clothes and no makeup who sits at home, testing her phone to see if it rings. Not the case. I had the week off, but was very busy most of the week. But I realized I was missing an ex and wanted to hear from him – and that angered me. It also made me realize he wasn’t reciprocating.
Denial is such a sick, twisted thing. We think that we’re fully aware and capable and in control, and suddenly realize we’ve been groveling and pathetic.
Denial isn’t good. It’s a shitty river and I can’t swim.
I’m finally, finally starting to respect and honor myself and allow myself to be angry when I realize that there’s no need for me to accept emotional crumbs from someone who’s just not good for me. My friend Joe would say, “You DID win. You escaped a shitty relationship.” After decades of feeling alone in my family and now in relationships, that’s hardly a reward.
The other night I was with extended family at an event in a small, popular town by me (thought I saw Blake Lively walk by with a guy – that kind of town). As my family and I waited on the corner for the event to start, my ex-husband walked by with a girl. He was wearing the same gym shorts that he was wearing the day before when he dropped off my son, a gray t-shirt, sneakers and round black sunglasses. I recognized his beer gut first, then the gym shorts. I wouldn’t have thought it was him if he wasn’t wearing sunglasses at 9:30pm.
I think I laughed for a good ten minutes. I want to take the man shopping so he can get a quality girl. But I thought of two things: 1.) I am a quality girl. He had me and he blew it wide open 2.) I’m not helping any man. A quality guy will do it himself.
Oh, that made my night more than the actual event.
Screw what I’m doing. This is what I’m not doing: I’m not contacting “him.”
You know at some point you’ve all had a “him” or a “her” that you’ve wanted to contact, but knew you shouldn’t. Let’s marinate in this feeling for a moment: Remember how difficult it was to not contact that person? Remember how horrified you were when – if you did contact them – you felt like a complete jackass because it didn’t work out like you wanted it to once you did contact them?
Well, I didn’t contact him and I feel like a million bucks.
This weekend has some interesting scenarios that – if he was a regular friend – I’d be involved in. But screw it, I’m sticking to my Lessons Learned, especially #2. I’ll be honest – I had about eight moments when I literally had the phone in my hand but thought, I’m not investing in someone who isn’t investing in me,and I put the phone down. You would have been proud of me. Hell, I was proud of me.
By not doing something, I am doing something else: I’m valuing me. And hot damn it feels awesome!
I don’t know one person who hasn’t been dumped like a five pound sack of bloody horse heads into the East River. And generally after you’ve broken up with someone, chances are that you feel like that horse head: discombobulated, disconnected and discarded.
I’ve had the all-out displeasure of having to dump myself from the last two relationships. One was a game player and the other was married. And what’s worse is that I had to end the relationships because part of me really wanted to remain in ignorant bliss. But I’ve learned too much in the past years to keep going with any relationship that’s probably going to end badly anyway.
But it doesn’t make it any easier and it certainly doesn’t make me feel like a winner. “But you did win,” said my friend, Joe. “Your prize is not being in a shitty relationship.”
Please. That hardly feels like a prize.
Frankly, I’m sick of “winning” in this format. It’s like winning a car and you discover it’s a Pinto.