When It first really hit me that I was going to have to divorce my alcoholic husband, I went into a state of shock. I had put so much faith, hope and trust in him and our future that the realization of divorce hit me like a brick wall. But knowing I couldn’t erase the past or fix an alcoholic, I knew I had reached an important point in my life and one of two choices had to be made: 1.) Act like a victim and take the “woah is me” path that my parents hoped I’d take, living a life of victim, where my son would eventually have a heartbreaking life of similar dysfunction B.) Get the hell out, cut out the toxic people, find happiness and give my son a fighting chance. I chose B. Unfortunately not everyone has the strength to choose B. I still worry about my ex-boyfriend and his children, and how his choice to return to a toxic marriage will ultimately destroy him and his children. I do pray for them. But it’s a choice he made. And anyone who makes a choice like that is not for me.
It’s difficult to remain positive when you’re bombarded. I find myself having to stop myself multiple times a day and refocusing on my “Good Thing.” The Good Thing should be something that instantly makes you happy: a vacation, your kids, etc. It seems silly, but it works well. And it cuts down on the negative thoughts. So first: Choose your Good Thing. Next: Whenever you find yourself thinking about anything that makes you sad or angry, stop yourself, allow the thought to go – even without the answers you seek – and think of your Good Thing. It works. 😉👍
Lol OMG >> Okay seriously now. There’s an ancient song from the ’70s that says you shouldn’t change to make the other person happy. This is a screaming red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Neither person should have to change. We’re talking “the depths of your personalities.” Alcoholism or drug use – yes of course, change all you want. But not who you are as a person. I had an ex who constantly said, I’ll change!” But why? He was being him. Why would I want him to change? It’s like asking a zebra to remove its stripes and put on a horn because I want a unicorn. Forget that. I’ll just go find the unicorn. I let the zebra go.
My mother had always given me the impression that whomever I date, I had to immediately marry. That there would be no other choice for me. And so I wouldn’t go on a date thinking I just had to get to know the person, I would go on a date under parental pressure that I potentially had to marry the guy. And she made it seem like if I accepted the date, it was because I accepted the person as a whole being and was already contemplating wedding bells. It was suffocating, and yet there I was feeling forced into all-or-nothing relationships. I was never given the opportunity to just date for fun – maybe go out and enjoy myself with somebody who had the same interests as I did. So when these relationships went south I was beating myself up constantly thinking that I should’ve known better. Thankfully, I’ve cut ties with my toxic parents and their pressure for me to get married without even being able to date like a normal female. If you’ve been beating yourself up after a breakup, thinking, “I should’ve known better,” just remember that dating is to get to know somebody. And you’ll never really get to know them unless you date them. So release yourself from the guilt.
Over the last few decades I’ve witnessed a ridiculously large amount of people declare that the latest love of their lives had “changed,” the relationships went sour, and all had turned to Poo. But now that I’ve fully digested over 10 years of therapy, I would like to confidently assert that those loves didn’t change, they finally allowed their true selves to be revealed.
How many of you had relationships that started-out great, but fizzled after one to six months? It’s my belief that your partners in those relationships didn’t change, they just reverted back to their actual selves.
If the general consensus is that “people don’t ever really change,” then how can we openly swear that our relationships changed? “He was so attentive at the beginning!” or “She changed, man, she used to be cool about me going out.”
It’s Poo! People really don’t change, they just attempt to fit a predetermined mold. And because of that I’m revealing this dating ditty: Those people were pulling the wool over your eyes! They were snowing you! They were trying to force a relationship for their own agenda.
One thing my incredibly insecure, insensitive, out-of-state ex-boyfriend said that was true was, “People always eventually reveal their true colors.” And just like he revealed his true self (in the form of manipulative, jealousy-driven mind games) so too will other couples as they become more comfortable in their relationships and less concerned with impressing the other partner. They revert.
Now generally this would not be a problem if we didn’t fall madly in love with who we thought the other person was. When the breakup comes and we’re suffering in months of shock, it’s the reversion that we’re really hating because the façade wasn’t real. It didn’t exist. We weren’t dating a person, we were dating an ideology.
How do you prevent this? Well, thats tough. Sometimes we’re so excited about the possibilities of new romance that we jump the gun and allow our hope to turn to assumption that the partner is everything we want them to be.
This is where (I’m guessing) being “Friends First” is probably the best bet. It allows both people to get to know each other without the pressures of dating perfection. The problem is that if you’re using a dating site, the assumption of potential ever-lasting love is already clouding the waters. And that’s a blog post for another day…
I’m guessing some folks don’t think twice about smelling stink breath, but if you’re like me your stank radar is on high alert.
If you were sitting next to this woman on your ride home, would you say anything?