How my son’s dislike for soccer will help him succeed in life

It’s soccer mom day. The funny thing is, my son hates soccer. I told him that soccer is teaching him a few things: team spirit, how to enjoy the great outdoors, and learning how to do something successfully that you really, really don’t want to do.

When my child is a 45-year-old exec, faced with a difficult challenge, he’ll do what he has to do because he’ll know the outcome will be beneficial to everyone — despite not enjoying the process.

Sometimes in life we need to do things we don’t like in order to be more successful. In 2017 I had to breakup with myself and move out of my boyfriend’s house in order to lead a happier life. I didn’t want to face the fact that the man I had moved in with was an emotional scam artist, but I did. And then I did what I had to do and moved out.

Today my son will be playing soccer — even though he doesnt want to. Afterward, he’ll be getting a new (somewhat cheaper lol) Mac laptop 💻 with some of my tax return. He doesn’t know this yet, but I can tell you he’ll be thrilled that he made the effort today. Because he’ll know that if he didn’t make the effort, he would have gotten no reward.

And that, my dear friends, is what I learned from life.

Xoxo

-1YoS

So true

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I used to think I needed a year. After one year I realized I needed a lifetime.

I used to think I wasn’t good enough, and had to be perfect. Now I realize being perfect won’t make all those schmucks good enough for me.

The world isn’t what I thought it was.

LOL

xoxo
-1Yos

Unhealthy Men Like Unavailable Women

1Yos
I literally wore this outfit today

Match.com leaves your profile online even after you’ve gone through the deletion process. I know this because years ago I deleted my profile and received the “your profile is deleted, but will be on display until…” reply. I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted the profile down immediately. If it’s still on display, it’s not really deleted, is it?

Match not only didn’t remove my profile when I wanted it to, but it continued to slam me with notifications and emails. I was then forced to change my profile to reflect that I’m no longer willing to be in the dating game, especially on Match.com. “This profile has been deleted,” I wrote. “Please don’t contact me.” Yet I was still slammed with countless emails from guys who either didn’t read my profile, or thought I’d be a fun challenge. Either way, it only proved they were mentally unhealthy.

Therapy_CanWeTalkI had a brief discussion with my then-therapist about this.

“If they’re trying to contact me,” I began, “despite me explaining the situation and vividly expressing that I’m no longer interested in dating—isn’t it really just revealing their unwillingness to get involved with someone who is available?” I asked. Yes, the therapist agreed.

“So even if their profile seems solid,” I continued, “I should probably still not bother because they’re trying to get involved with an emotionally unavailable girl, yes?” Yes, the therapist agreed again.

Hot damn, I thought, Men are just like us. They want to get involved with unavailable women. They may not even realize it themselves, we concluded. It may all be on a subconscious level.

Good God, I thought. I sat back in shock for a minute, proud of myself for the revelation, humored that I could finally see the Matrix, but dismayed over the reality of it all. Logically speaking, the theory actually proves that men who fight for their women are actually mentally unhealthy.

Soak that in. How many of us have wanted our guy to fight for us in some manner or another? So in essence, do we want them to be mentally unhealthy?

My mind was spinning. I left the therapist’s office feeling defeated. I thought about the MarriedGuy who went back to his unstable wife, “fighting” to make his marriage work. Sad, I thought, but good riddance. I realized that if he was willing to take-back someone who was that unhealthy, he couldn’t possibly be healthy enough for me. And I realized as my own self-awareness and self-assurance grew, the dating pool shrank. Significantly.

I crossed New York City’s midtown streets on my way back to work,  still thinking about how the dating pool was becoming nothing more than a dried-up puddle. The thought repeated in my mind. Unhealthy men like unavailable women.

In all honesty, women do the same thing. My friends and I clocked plenty of hours chasing unavailable men. So we can’t sit-back and say it’s just the men. It’s everyone. But that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it.

Unstable men like unavailable women. The thought persisted. I started wondering if the level of unavailability in women mattered. What if a women just didn’t want to get involved because she wanted to live her life for a while? There should be a difference between busy women and women who blatantly say “hell no,” right?

My solution is to find out. I’ve been researching all the things that I’ve wanted to do over the years, but never had time for. While my original “1 Year of Single” has been over for a few years now, I still want to use my 1-year, yet this time it’ll be 1 Year of Rediscovery. 1 year of rediscovering myself and things I love to do. Have you ever spent a specific amount of time purposely rediscovering yourself? That’s what I’ll be doing. And I guarantee, it won’t include spending time on Match.com.

xoxo
-1Yos

 

What the hell happened to 2017??

IMG_D4FBB95ECF03-1A few days ago my 11-year-old son told me I should think about getting a hobby. If I wasn’t so shocked, I would have LOL.

“Honey,” I said, “In the last few years, we’ve moved in with my boyfriend, I’ve broken up with myself*, then moved out from my boyfriend’s. I’ve had two major surgeries, you’ve moved schools twice, my job moved to another state, then I changed jobs. I’m exhausted.” Then I added thoughtfully, “I’ve only just started to come out of the haze now.” My son did an “Oh… true…” nod and continued what he was doing with no further interest in the subject.

I’ve always rolled my eyes at blogs and broadcasts that were titled, “Where have I been?” It assumes that every person reading their headline has been dying to know what happened to that blogger and why they’ve been absent. I doubt anyone really cared. If the blogger was actually successful enough, the question of their absence would have been answered by the public long before the blogger realized it was even an issue.

And still – here I am, thinking I should write a “Where have I been?” blog. No one cares. I don’t even care enough about the last few years enough to write about them. Lol > But what I can tell you – or what I’d rather tell you – is what I’ve learned along the way. I’ve learned so much. And I want to tell you about my experiences. Both good and bad. What worked along the way, and what didn’t work.

I’m so happy to be back. Ironically, after all of the shenanigans of 2017, I’m so ecstatic that I can simply call it a “challenging” year. It was probably the most difficult year I’ve ever had, and yet I only want to call it “challenging.” Why? Probably because the previous 45 years before that were what helped me get through 2017.

Let me tell you about it.

Welcome to my not-so-new hobby: 1YearOfSingle.

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-1Yos

 

*Oh, look at you searching for the meaning of that asterisk! Good for you! Well, you found it. I guess I should tell you what it means then?  Well, back in 2017, I had to break up with myself because my bonehead boyfriend didn’t have the balls to do it himself. My 11-year-old son and I were feeling completely unwanted, living in the guy’s house, and all the Talks in the world weren’t helping the situation. To add to the pile, he was lying to his daughters about us. So I had to shoot myself in the foot and tell him that it wasn’t working out. As soon as I brought it up, he said something like, “Well now that we know what the problem is…” I wanted to say, “No, dipshit – now that I had the balls to tell you that I already knew what the problem was.” I was furious! The kicker was that my son and I had just moved into his home after donating most of my belongings, and he was out cheating on me and telling his daughters that we were the assholes. The thing that hurt the most is that he brought my son into it. Trash. Complete trash. It pains me that his daughters will never know the truth. And yet, maybe they’re better off.

I love Kaycee_Serenity

I love when folks chat with me on the side. Kaycee had picked me up and right away said hi. She’s like a lot of us: single and a bit dismayed at how we were with a façade for too long. But like K, we come out of it and move on as best we can. And while none of us are perfect, we at least make the attempt to be true to ourselves.

Keep on singin’ your song, Kaycee, you’re a star in my book!

Truth

So get out of it

💯

One of my besties calls it “spiraling.” When you go round and round about the bad things. Has this ever happened to you? How did you pull yourself out? I recommend making a plan: have a Happy Thought waiting for when you catch yourself spiraling on bad sh!t. An upcoming vacation, the cutie in the coffee shop, etc. Ready a “go to” happy thought for when the negative needs to be replaced asap.

Found, at Etsy!

“Kiss This Goodbye” underthings at Etsy > they’re real!

I have a hard time believing it’s difficult to come up with a full gift basket for your divorced friends. Especially when there’s items like these available nowadays.

Sometimes I go through Etsy and browse the divorce, break up, and healing items and am amazed at the amount of merchandise available.

Your messed-up childhood could be messing-up your adulthood

The effects of parental abuse are longstanding. Whether people admit it or not, the methods parents use to raise their kids weave themselves into the fabric of who we are, and eventually reemerge when we date as adults.

Years ago I dated a soccer goalie from my college. Though handsome and charming, he was also aloof and angry most of the time. I remember trying to be perfect in order to make him happy. A few times in conversation he’d suddenly say concluding statements like, “You know what? If you don’t like it, you can leave – don’t let the door hit you in the ass!” I remember being shocked at his explosive statements.

Decades later and deep into therapy, I was married to an alcoholic who had the same anger issues. “That’s just the way I am and don’t ask me to change, cause I’m not changing for anyone!” my alcoholic ex-husband had said sternly. He was right – he didn’t change. Even after spending a week in jail for driving drunk.

But thanks to therapy, I changed.

As it turned out, those fools were just surrogates for my emotionally absent father. *sigh* Oh, sure, fathers get blamed for a lot, absolutely. But if you follow my Periscope Live Broadcasts, you’ll realize I’m a stout defender of good dads. My father could have been good, but he wasn’t. I never had a deep conversation with my father about anything. I never went to him repeatedly for advice on anything. We were only together in stores a handful of times, and those times I had to run to catch up with him. I remember he once took my friend and I to a movie: Raiders of the Lost Ark. It was monumental. But more often than not, my father would follow in my mother’s footsteps in order to make her happy, and would believe her when my mother claimed I was being spiteful. So more often than not, he was inexplicably angry with me.

One Thanksgiving I had invited a friend for dinner – her family was dispersed for the holidays, and with no living mom to be with, I had invited her to our house to be with my family for the day. My father heard me hang up the phone.

“Who was that?” he asked. I told him. He immediately flipped out, got physical with me and hissed, “If you ever invite anyone over our house ever again for the holidays, I’ll fucking kill you.”

That was my father. And quite frankly, now I know it was also my mother, whispering to him behind the scenes on how I must have done something wrong, and he was to be angry about it. And sadly, he always obliged her.

So depending on how your parents raised you, the negative effects can severely impact current relationships. Do you allow people to scream at you? Do you make excuses for bad behavior, hoping the person will still love you? Do you work tirelessly trying to make someone happy? Are you constantly trying to predict how they’ll react?

A friend visited a few days ago, during which we chatted about her broken marriage. She spent hours trying to make everything perfect – dinner on time, house sparkling clean, everyone neat and tidy. And yet she was exhausted, and he was still an alcoholic with emotional issues. My friend said she even went as far as seeing several doctors – she thought she was having a medical issue. But it wasn’t. She was trying to prevent her alcoholic husband from being depressed. “If everything is perfect, how can he be depressed, right?” Wrong. They’ll find a way.

Ask yourself: Do you feel inexplicably tired all the time? Do you have emotional outbursts and don’t know why? Do you question your health – physical or even mental?

With my own alcoholic ex-husband, I found my own choices to be very clear at the time: Go with the flow and become a battered housewife that could one day be immortalized in a pathetic, tearful cinematic movie, or leave the asshole and live a blissful life. I’ve witnessed a few friends attempting the “If you can’t live with it, join it,” attitude, and guess how that ended? Yes, they’re still getting divorced. I left him.

Thankfully, because of therapy, I knew that I should not tell my parents that I was leaving my husband at the time. I knew – from their past behavior – that they would not be supportive. So I organized everything, left him, then told my parents. And you know what? I was right. They were not supportive. To this day, they still entertain the alcoholic who’s been in jail, who didn’t properly send child support, who used his son as a tool for revenge. He’s lied to judges, lawyers, his parol officer… But it doesn’t matter. I’m free of the monster – and now completely free of my parents who support such behavior.

Wow! How did that happen, you ask? Did I really leave my parents? Yes, yes I did. If you take a look at the world around you, you’ll realize there are happy families, happy marriages, happy everything, all around. There really is no reason to be tied to a bunch of crazy people. Therapy has taught me that. And so I took a look at my relationships, took an honest tally of all the suppressed feelings from over the years, and I realized that my parents were a well of horrific negative poop. Yes, that’s it – total crap. They’d been feeding it to me and my siblings for years, and I eventually became the second child to leave their family.

So take a wide-eyed look at your world. Is it really just the immediate situation that’s a problem, or does it go deeper? For me, my parents had a firm grip on me, keeping me from a successful, happy, positive life. Had I not gone to therapy and been brave enough to analyze my world, it would never have changed. I challenge you to do the same.

-1YOS

Dealing with other people’s awesomely fun Facetime statuses

Okay, so I’m new at this. But the message is still the same: Just because folks post awesome statuses doesn’t meant their lives are like that 100% of the time. And while we’d love for everyone’s lives to be fabulous all the time, it’s just not possible. So don’t fool yourself into believing you’re the only one in a breakup, the only one with poor health, the only one with unsupportive parents… Consider Facebook the best of society’s social life. And give yourself a break. As a matter of fact, if you’re in a tough time right now, consider staying off Facebook for at least a week.