Answer This!, Being Single, Bitstrips, Breakups, Bucket List, Dating, Dysfunctional, Follow Me!, Goals, Life, love, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Recovery Help, Relationships, To-Do

Unhealthy Men Like Unavailable Women

1Yos
I literally wore this outfit today

Match.com leaves your profile online even after you’ve gone through the deletion process. I know this because years ago I deleted my profile and received the “your profile is deleted, but will be on display until…” reply. I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted the profile down immediately. If it’s still on display, it’s not really deleted, is it?

Match not only didn’t remove my profile when I wanted it to, but it continued to slam me with notifications and emails. I was then forced to change my profile to reflect that I’m no longer willing to be in the dating game, especially on Match.com. “This profile has been deleted,” I wrote. “Please don’t contact me.” Yet I was still slammed with countless emails from guys who either didn’t read my profile, or thought I’d be a fun challenge. Either way, it only proved they were mentally unhealthy.

Therapy_CanWeTalkI had a brief discussion with my then-therapist about this.

“If they’re trying to contact me,” I began, “despite me explaining the situation and vividly expressing that I’m no longer interested in dating—isn’t it really just revealing their unwillingness to get involved with someone who is available?” I asked. Yes, the therapist agreed.

“So even if their profile seems solid,” I continued, “I should probably still not bother because they’re trying to get involved with an emotionally unavailable girl, yes?” Yes, the therapist agreed again.

Hot damn, I thought, Men are just like us. They want to get involved with unavailable women. They may not even realize it themselves, we concluded. It may all be on a subconscious level.

Good God, I thought. I sat back in shock for a minute, proud of myself for the revelation, humored that I could finally see the Matrix, but dismayed over the reality of it all. Logically speaking, the theory actually proves that men who fight for their women are actually mentally unhealthy.

Soak that in. How many of us have wanted our guy to fight for us in some manner or another? So in essence, do we want them to be mentally unhealthy?

My mind was spinning. I left the therapist’s office feeling defeated. I thought about the MarriedGuy who went back to his unstable wife, “fighting” to make his marriage work. Sad, I thought, but good riddance. I realized that if he was willing to take-back someone who was that unhealthy, he couldn’t possibly be healthy enough for me. And I realized as my own self-awareness and self-assurance grew, the dating pool shrank. Significantly.

I crossed New York City’s midtown streets on my way back to work,  still thinking about how the dating pool was becoming nothing more than a dried-up puddle. The thought repeated in my mind. Unhealthy men like unavailable women.

In all honesty, women do the same thing. My friends and I clocked plenty of hours chasing unavailable men. So we can’t sit-back and say it’s just the men. It’s everyone. But that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it.

Unstable men like unavailable women. The thought persisted. I started wondering if the level of unavailability in women mattered. What if a women just didn’t want to get involved because she wanted to live her life for a while? There should be a difference between busy women and women who blatantly say “hell no,” right?

My solution is to find out. I’ve been researching all the things that I’ve wanted to do over the years, but never had time for. While my original “1 Year of Single” has been over for a few years now, I still want to use my 1-year, yet this time it’ll be 1 Year of Rediscovery. 1 year of rediscovering myself and things I love to do. Have you ever spent a specific amount of time purposely rediscovering yourself? That’s what I’ll be doing. And I guarantee, it won’t include spending time on Match.com.

xoxo
-1Yos

 

Cheaters, Dysfunctional, In the news, Life, Marriage, Memories, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Quotes, Relationships

I’m not surprised

IMG_0077.JPG When I was in college, I got in an argument with my mother that resulted in her fetching a kitchen knife, and my sister calling the police. When the cops showed, they eventually told me I needed to “listen to my mother.” A few years ago I watched my ex-husband manipulate the system, including lying in court. No evidence was requested from him. I lost the court battle. Last year I was devastated when someone I deeply cared for returned to a toxic spouse. So you see – Im not surprised in recent events. Until we be strong, stand up for justice, truth and honor, the assholes will just keep winning. Now, I honestly don’t know all the details of recent news events but I know what Ive witnessed countless times, and those heartbreaks were enough for me.

Being Single, Breakups, Cheaters, Dating, Dating Tips, Life, Marriage, Memories, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Quotes, Recovery Help, Red Flags, Relationships

What A Girl Wants

IMG_0754.JPG Have you ever had that internal conversation with yourself about your significant other, thinking “Why don’t they do this? or, “Why won’t they do that?” Chances are it’s nothing they want to do, it’s only something YOU would do. And that’s where the dilemma comes in. While you should know the things you want in a partner, you also need to realize it’s a list that most likely stems from your own personality traits. Why don’t they do it? Because it’s not in their personality – it’s in yours. And if it’s not in their personality, and you want it, ultimately THEY are not who you want. I was in shock thinking, “How can he NOT want an honest relationship where we work together as partners??” Then I realized – that’s what I want. HE didn’t want that.

Dysfunctional, Life, Memories, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Parents, Quotes, Red Flags, Relationships, SomeECards

What Not to say when your daughter invites her friend to Thanksgiving dinner

IMG_0646.JPG Here’s a Thanksgiving story that’ll make you want to hug your family: Years ago I invited my best friend to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner because, for various reasons, the rest of her family was unavailable. After hanging up the phone my father asked who I was speaking to. I told him who it was and that because she was alone on Thanksgiving, I invited her to our family’s house. My father then flipped-out on me and within his tirade said, “If you ever invite anyone over for another holiday meal I’ll fucking kill you.” I then called her back and uninvited her, telling her I wouldn’t be eating there as well. I left the house and my family of six – none of whom defended me – and went to the movies. To this day two of those siblings are still in-deep with my parents. Two of us escaped. Sometimes “the orphanage” is the better option. In the years since leaving both my parents and my similarly-mannered ex-husband, my Thanksgivings have been the most beautiful I have ever imagined. And I owe it all to me.

Breakups, Cheaters, Dysfunctional, Life, Marriage, Memories, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Red Flags, Relationships

Cheaters Sometimes Win

20140709-192849-70129929.jpg
I’ve heard of folks going back to someone who cheated on them because the cheater begged for forgiveness. By then the trust was blown to bits, but they’d still go back. “I feel like I should try again, just so I can say I did try again.” They’d breakup with the rebound and return to the cheater.

And they’d be miserable, waiting for their past relationship — before the cheater contemplated cheating — to resurrect itself. The problem is that once someone cheats, the relationship is never the same. Why? Because the cheater has finally revealed their true selves. Their true intentions.

At that point iff the couple “tries again,” they’re just “settling.” The cheater begged forgiveness because they know they’ve ruined a good thing, but more so because they want the partner to see them once more in that angelic light.

Someone who goes back to a cheater is just settling. And the cheater won.

Breakups, Bucket List, Cheaters, Dating, Dating Tips, Dysfunctional, Life, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Red Flags, Relationships

Meet the face of a fake online dating profile! I discovered this fake Match.com profile after I was supposed to meet the guy. This really shouldn’t be a shock, but since I was supposed to meet the guy, I’m slightly freaked out – for all I know he could have been a serial rapist. How did I discover it was a fake profile? I was Googling facial expressions when the guys profile photo turned up in the search results!  

A veteran online-dater friend of mine, Jessica, said, “Oh yeah — as soon as you see a professional photo you’ll know it’s a fake profile.” Not a bad theory, but I’m a photographer — I’ve photographed guys for online dating sites. So I’m prone to think if the guy has attention to detail, he’s potentially going to get a real photo taken of himself, no?

How do you weed out the wackos? And what was the guy’s real intention? And who the hell was it, really? And why must everyone lie? This guy’s fake profile just set-me-off thinking about the guy I just broke from, and the gigantic, heart crushing lie that he told. Do you see the can of worms it opened?

I’ve reset the 1 Year Of Single date twice now, but it looks like three’s a charm! I think part of me was still hoping for some kind of divine intervention, where a higher power bestowed a great-partner reward on me even though I shouldn’t have been looking in the first place. And yet part of me can’t help but realize that between my fabulous little son and myself, we don’t really need anyone else.

In any case, what do you do if you discover someone has been lying? I would think it depends on the severity of the lie. Someone who tells you that you look good when you’ve clearly gone overboard in the Tostitos department shouldn’t be sliced from your life. But if you’re like me and you’ve been told a whopping lie so shocking that it sets you sputtering for an hour, these are just a few of my suggestions:

Completely Cut It Off
This is much easier said than done, especially when you’ve been blindsided after finally believing that you may have a future with the fool. But my suggestion is to cut off everything about them immediately. This includes:

  • No calls
  • No Emails
  • No “friendly reminders”
  • No fulfilling “Well, we always used to…” routines
  • No attending bars, gyms or clubs that they go to
  • No chit-chatting with their friends or family
  • Remove them from every friend list on every site you know
  • Change their cell name to “Do Not Answer” or change their name to describe their lie “Do Not Answer – Lied About Divorce.”
  • Remove all reminders of them from every calendar you have so it doesn’t pop up when you least expect it

Remake Your Fun Wish List
I’ve been slacking on this more than I thought I’d be. I have yet to climb a rock wall or even make a goal list. So far the most I’ve done is complete a Match.com profile. Bad. Bad girl.

The meatier tactics you could take are:

Change Departments or Jobs
After Halle Berry told-off Eddie Murphy in Boomerang, she got herself a new job. Consider it. Chances are if you’ve accepted behavior like this from a lover, you’re probably allowing it at work from co-workers or bosses as well. You deserve more.

Change Your Cell Number
I always found this one shocking, and it feels very mean – but if you can do it, you’re golden. If they ever try to contact you again it sends a clear message that you won’t tolerate their sh!t. Uhm… No, I haven’t… But I’m working on it.

Whatever you do, do NOT – I repeat, do NOT:

Do Not Stalk Them
So they left you for a whore or a man-slut. If they can’t see how fabulous you are, they can’t be too bright now, can they? The last thing you want to do is provide fodder for the fool to feel justified. Hold back the crazy and refocus on yourself.

Do Not Stalk Their New Partner
Ew. Why would you want to, anyway? Again – if they’re not bright enough to choose you, why bother? It’s like standing at the meat counter in the grocery store and yelling at the folks who choose chuck over sirloin. Seriously – if you have to explain it, you’re better off without them.

The last few weeks for me have been a wide slap in the face, considering I gave the same person a repeated chance, then ran into someone else’s fake dating profile. Oh we’re all fools for love, don’t pretend otherwise. It’s the few of us that are able to bend our energies into refocusing on what we want, instead of what we don’t want, that make it through the wreckage.

— 1YOS

Breakups, Cheaters, Dating, Dating Tips, Follow Me!, Life, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Red Flags

In The Wake Of A Maddening Silence

When I discover that someone has been lying, their complete silence stuns me more than the lies themselves. What’s left in their wake is an onslought of questions while the liar sails away Scott free. 

I don’t understand that mindset. Isn’t there any conscience at all? How does he not think, “Wow, I really destroyed her. She’s really upset. I feel really bad.” Is he going to sit there and convince himself that he never lied to me? How do people do that? How do they allow themselves to think that way?

What kind of person does that?

And after everything he told me about his ex, he’s going back?

Within seconds after thinking the questions above, I realized he could have lied to me about everything – not just the one major point that I discovered. I have no idea what the truth is now and because he doesn’t care enough to actually tell me, I’ll never know. Those revelations threw me into a new phase of shock, and my head spun so much that I forced myself to refocus on something else. Something positive.

It annoys me that the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning is this. I don’t deserve this and he knows that. I’m constantly refocusing all day from negative to positive. Thank God it’s working.

Anyone whose lies are so grand that you have to break up with them isn’t worth the time it takes to figure out why they lied in the first place. Add to that the most disrespectful type of silence there is and you’ve got a guilt-free excuse to cut them out of your life forever and move on immediately.

I used to be shocked at the crazy things some women did after breakups. Hell, I thought his wife was crazy. But after his disrespectful onsloght of silence from him, I understand now. I understand why some women go batsh!t crazy. 

All I can think now is that they can have each other. Theyre both insane. What I’d like to do now, though, is stay positive. I think helping others survive breakups by focusing on the future and staying positive is essential to any recovery, and certainly helps regain footing in the wake of the maddening silence.

OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Psychic Moments, Relationships

Pseudo-Psychic Preminition

A few weeks ago I had a dream that Justin Timberlake got in a pretty bad motorcycle accident. He didn’t die in my dream but he was pretty badly hurt. My friend, Jen, told me to not post it. “What are you going to write? ‘Hey JT you may get effed up in a motorcycle accident?’ ”

“Good point,” I agreed.

Last night Jen told me JT postponed tour dates. Does anyone know why?

Being Single, Breakups, Dating, Dysfunctional, Life, Music, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Psychic Moments, Relationships

Non-Lesbian Pseudo Psychic

photo 3One of my friends that I’ve mentioned on this blog is Jen. We met during the commute to work and have both reached a conclusion that theres some deep sh!t going on with our parallel lives. Same alkie-type ex-husbands, same dating situations and we even look like each other. No, we’re not lesbians. (Love to my lesbian friends, sorry girls. Anyway…)

Jen talked me into trying meditation as a way of manifesting positive blah blah blah in my life. So far I’m just picking up psychic waves. This happens every time i start meditating – just ask The Funtasian – she and I also had some pretty sick moments of psychic weirdness back in the ’90s. I see things, have conversations with dead people in dreams, predict future events and conversations… When I was young I thought i killed my cat because I had non-stop, intense thoughts of my cat’s death – until he got hit by a car.

If I was bored in class I’d predict conversations or who would be walking into the room next. I also predicted just about every relationship before it happened – even if I hadn’t met the guy yet… But I can’t win the lottery.

Today I was in the pharmacy looking for clarifying shampoo and contemplating my sh!tty dating luck when a song from the ’80s played on the loudspeaker. “Here I goooooooo… One more tiiiiiiiiime… Byyyyyy myseeeeelf.” I walked around the store, allowing myself to laugh like a rabid hyena, singing my own words in my best Ethel Merman voice, “This song blooooooowwwws… I’ll be fiiiiiiiiiiiiine…. byyyyyyy myselllllffff!!!!…”

Jen’s also dealing with the same musical madness because apparently the universe isn’t satisfied with torturing only one of us with pathetic romantic ironies and culturally dead songs over loudspeakers while we’re not buying condoms for the sex we’re not having with the men we no longer have.

What's Going On?

A few weeks ago, as I hung out with my photo partners, I continuously had mental images of weddings – specifically, a woman’s hand surrounded by wedding celebration. My one partner then told me about two weeks after these premonitions started that his sister just got engaged and he’d be heading out of the country for her wedding.

On the subway today, two women sat down next to me, and all I “saw” were apples. They obviously weren’t really there: Imagine huge sheets of clear plastic wrap with apple designs hanging in front of the two women – that’s what it was like in my head. Huge, red apples. Then an image of a young woman – a daughter type – took over the mental apple imagery. Apples. Young woman. Apples. Daughter. Apples… “Excuse me,” I asked the two ladies. “Would the two of you happen to be involved with apples?” I asked, like a psychotic whack job. I knew I’d probably never see these two again, so who cares if I ask, right? The woman directly next to me said, “Oh I love apple picking. I go all the time.”

I stared at her and choked out,

“Do either of you have a daughter?”

I felt like a complete ass for asking a second pointless, out-of-the-blue question, but I put it out there. What the hell.

“I do,” said apple lover lady.

Life, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries)

It’s fun to see your Account Executive picking his nose on the sidewalk during lunch

Being Single, Bitches, Breakups, Dating, Life, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Relationships

“Why Are You Single?”

After years and countless guys asking why I’m single, I’ve decided to tally the list of reasons why I’m single. In no specific order of romances, and often combined:

  • He was an alcoholic
  • He was bipolar
  • He was a narcissist
  • He stole credit cards
  • He smoked weed
  • He was on steroids
  • He heated on me
  • He was a little too much into surfing
  • He was too materialistic
  • He constantly tallied the finances of every one he knew
  • He talked too much shit about his friends
  • He was nasty to me for no reason too many times
  • He was married
  • He wasn’t divorced
  • He wasn’t sure if he wanted to get divorced
  • He went back to his wife
  • He wanted to go back to his wife
  • He went back to his girlfriend
  • He wanted to go back to his girlfriend
  • He wanted threesomes
  • He had no motivation for success
  • He was too obsessed with his job
  • He moved to Florida
  • He lived in Pennsylvania
  • He may have been gay
  • He never told his friends who I was
  • He couldn’t handle my psycho family
  • I couldn’t handle dating while still living with my psycho family
  • He had no backbone
  • He was too white trash
  • He wasn’t a good father to his own kids
  • He was unreliable
  • He disappeared all the time
  • He was a compulsive liar
  • I wasn’t attracted to him
  • He tried to father my son before we were really dating
  • He sweated in a very strange way
  • He was a self-declared womanizer
  • He didn’t listen to a thing I said
  • His mother was dying (she really was)
  • He didn’t like blow jobs

There you go! That’s off the top of my head. I started to get a very Jim Carey, Liar, Liar voice going in my head while I read the list. Sadly some of those are compiled issues.

Alcoholics, Breakups, Dysfunctional, Dysfunctional Mother, Life, Marriage, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Parents, Relationships

What kind of asshole hangs out with child abusers?

I went to my sons swimming lessons today because for the last classes they let the parents watch. My ex-husband was there obviously because he has my son this weekend. We exchanged some small talk about my son’s swimming efforts when I added, “Oh by the way, I heard more information about my sisters abuse by my parents.” My ex-husband then flipped out saying, “why you got to talk about that?” I replied, “because you’re hanging out with child molesters!”

Apparently also among the years of being physically abused by my parents my mother also had my sister sexually abused by a doctor. My sister had left the family years ago without telling anybody why and my mother spread the rumor that my sister was crazy and angry. Until recently. I had called my sister last year to complain about my parents and she revealed every reason why she left the family and horrid detail. Needless to say I was floored because of the years of manipulation that my mother had putting in, telling everyone my sister was crazy, meanwhile it was my mother who was the one who was crazy – bringing my sister to a doctor repeatedly to have her sexually abused.

Now my husband, who has no parents because he threatened to kill his own mother for her abusing him, doesn’t have any of his parents so he hangs out with my parents. And in the meantime I discovered that his mother was angry because she too was sexually abused by her grandfather and her mother who is my ex-husband’s grandmother knew about it.

Are you keeping up with this?

So basically my ex-husband hangs out with abusive parents but refuses to believe that my sister was sexually abused because he’s desperate to have parents of his own that he’s will ing to go so far as to hang out with sexual abusers in order to have a relationship with any parents at all.

Every time I try to talk to him about any kind of abuse he sides with the abuser. It’s infuriating! What kind of moron hangs out with someone whose abused them for so long or abused other people? It infuriates me that this world is based upon fear. Any it infuriates me that hes stupid and naïve enough to believe that my mother, with a passive aggressive sweetheart low voice, is not an abuser!

Wake up and smell the coffee you moron!

* This entire post was made through Siri, and will be edited so if it doesn’t make sense check back in a day or two and it’ll be updated ha ha 🙂 xo

Being Single, Breakups, Cheaters, Dating Tips, Dysfunctional, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Quotes, Relationships

We feel the most miserable when we feel the least in control

OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Quotes, Relationships

20130619-224123.jpg