Answer This!, Being Single, Bitstrips, Breakups, Bucket List, Dating, Dysfunctional, Follow Me!, Goals, Life, love, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Recovery Help, Relationships, To-Do

Unhealthy Men Like Unavailable Women

1Yos
I literally wore this outfit today

Match.com leaves your profile online even after you’ve gone through the deletion process. I know this because years ago I deleted my profile and received the “your profile is deleted, but will be on display until…” reply. I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted the profile down immediately. If it’s still on display, it’s not really deleted, is it?

Match not only didn’t remove my profile when I wanted it to, but it continued to slam me with notifications and emails. I was then forced to change my profile to reflect that I’m no longer willing to be in the dating game, especially on Match.com. “This profile has been deleted,” I wrote. “Please don’t contact me.” Yet I was still slammed with countless emails from guys who either didn’t read my profile, or thought I’d be a fun challenge. Either way, it only proved they were mentally unhealthy.

Therapy_CanWeTalkI had a brief discussion with my then-therapist about this.

“If they’re trying to contact me,” I began, “despite me explaining the situation and vividly expressing that I’m no longer interested in dating—isn’t it really just revealing their unwillingness to get involved with someone who is available?” I asked. Yes, the therapist agreed.

“So even if their profile seems solid,” I continued, “I should probably still not bother because they’re trying to get involved with an emotionally unavailable girl, yes?” Yes, the therapist agreed again.

Hot damn, I thought, Men are just like us. They want to get involved with unavailable women. They may not even realize it themselves, we concluded. It may all be on a subconscious level.

Good God, I thought. I sat back in shock for a minute, proud of myself for the revelation, humored that I could finally see the Matrix, but dismayed over the reality of it all. Logically speaking, the theory actually proves that men who fight for their women are actually mentally unhealthy.

Soak that in. How many of us have wanted our guy to fight for us in some manner or another? So in essence, do we want them to be mentally unhealthy?

My mind was spinning. I left the therapist’s office feeling defeated. I thought about the MarriedGuy who went back to his unstable wife, “fighting” to make his marriage work. Sad, I thought, but good riddance. I realized that if he was willing to take-back someone who was that unhealthy, he couldn’t possibly be healthy enough for me. And I realized as my own self-awareness and self-assurance grew, the dating pool shrank. Significantly.

I crossed New York City’s midtown streets on my way back to work,  still thinking about how the dating pool was becoming nothing more than a dried-up puddle. The thought repeated in my mind. Unhealthy men like unavailable women.

In all honesty, women do the same thing. My friends and I clocked plenty of hours chasing unavailable men. So we can’t sit-back and say it’s just the men. It’s everyone. But that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it.

Unstable men like unavailable women. The thought persisted. I started wondering if the level of unavailability in women mattered. What if a women just didn’t want to get involved because she wanted to live her life for a while? There should be a difference between busy women and women who blatantly say “hell no,” right?

My solution is to find out. I’ve been researching all the things that I’ve wanted to do over the years, but never had time for. While my original “1 Year of Single” has been over for a few years now, I still want to use my 1-year, yet this time it’ll be 1 Year of Rediscovery. 1 year of rediscovering myself and things I love to do. Have you ever spent a specific amount of time purposely rediscovering yourself? That’s what I’ll be doing. And I guarantee, it won’t include spending time on Match.com.

xoxo
-1Yos

 

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It’s Summer – Practice Your Positives!

Friday! ☀️🎉 For some of you, it’s Summer Friday. You slept in, grabbed your beach bag and left your laptops at home. For the rest of us, it’s better commute times and ample parking. Either way, your best bet for a good day is staying positive, and looking for the love in your day. List the positive things about YOUR day below! 👊🏼❤️👍🏻 

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1000 Followers!

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1000 Instagram followers today! Thank you so much to all of you who follow, post, reply, laugh, forward and repost. Thank you!! 👍❤️

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The feeling you get…

2015/01/img_1062.jpg For all of you who are going through hell right now, this one is for you!

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Choose Wisely

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/b3f/52627338/files/2015/01/img_0760-0.jpg Every decision we make has answers based in two choices: Happiness and Fear. Sometimes we fear happiness, and sometimes we fool ourselves into being happy with the fear we know so well. Let’s move past the confusion this year. Embrace the tough road if it leads to happiness. You’re not alone.

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Positive While it Lasts

IMG_0360.JPG Sometimes posts like this make me want to scream. It’s not always easy to be happy and positive! Like someone posting it will make think, “Oh hey, you’re so right! Let me get on that right now!”

But honestly, when I put in the effort to stop myself from wanting to kick some asses, things actually do get better. And they get better quickly.

So here’s “the thing”: You can be miserable 100% of the time because you think “bad things are going to happen anyway – so why bother,” OR you can HAVE and allow yourself to enjoy glimpses of happiness while you have them until all hell breaks loose.

From what I can see, one of these scenarios offers happiness, and the other doesn’t. Your choice.

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Happiness Reset

IMG_0797.JPG When It first really hit me that I was going to have to divorce my alcoholic husband, I went into a state of shock. I had put so much faith, hope and trust in him and our future that the realization of divorce hit me like a brick wall. But knowing I couldn’t erase the past or fix an alcoholic, I knew I had reached an important point in my life and one of two choices had to be made: 1.) Act like a victim and take the “woah is me” path that my parents hoped I’d take, living a life of victim, where my son would eventually have a heartbreaking life of similar dysfunction B.) Get the hell out, cut out the toxic people, find happiness and give my son a fighting chance. I chose B. Unfortunately not everyone has the strength to choose B. I still worry about my ex-boyfriend and his children, and how his choice to return to a toxic marriage will ultimately destroy him and his children. I do pray for them. But it’s a choice he made. And anyone who makes a choice like that is not for me.

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I Had it. You Have It.

IMG_0649.JPG Here’s something you may not have even considered: You have the power to save yourself. The strength to save yourself is like an old closet in your home. You may have forgotten it’s there, you may not use it as much as you used to – you may even be afraid to look inside. But when you do, you’ll be thrilled at the strength you forgot you had.

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Take Care of You

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I was recently interviewed for a breakup site — quite exciting! And of course they asked me what this past year has done for me. Without question I can say that it’s made me realize my worth more than anything else ever has.

I no longer spend time bending myself to get someone to like me. My mother raised me to believe that I was worthless without a husband, and while I didn’t completely buy into her twisted 1950’s logic, I was still left with a lingering need to feel fulfilled. The last year has shown me that the men I’ve dated in the past didn’t have the capability to fulfill me, that only by being adventurous in doing what I want will I feel fulfilled.

I may not want to remain single my entire life — and I may struggle to figure out if my choices are based on my desires or what I think others may want — but you can be damn certain I’ll never stop questioning the truth behind my decisions in the effort to put myself first.

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Finally, A Happy Anniversary

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A mere three days away will mark a year of putting myself first. And in the past year I’ve learned a lot. Come check out my discoveries asI attempt to tell you whats been going on in the last year of being single…

Being Single, Breakups, Bucket List, Dating, Fitness, Goals, Life, My List Items, Relationships, To-Do

New School Year, New Focus

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I’ve been wallowing in “Where am I going with my life?” lately. And it’s not even “What do I want to do?” as much as “What do I want to do next?” I’ve got a mental laundry list of things I’d like to do in life, but no idea where to start.

A few weeks ago I received the typical emails from my son’s school pertaining to his soccer league. I’ve been an athlete most of my life — mainly softball MVP — but also squeezed in a few years of high school soccer. So when the email arrived asking for volunteer parents, I asked my son what he thought about me coaching. He loved it.

“I’ve never coached soccer before,” I explained to him, “Too bad you’re not on the baseball team.” He didn’t care. He was thrilled at potentially having his mom as the coach. So with a bit of anxiety due to a lack of time as well as a relatively dusty soccer memory, I joined.

A few weeks and one coachs’ meeting later I’m knee deep in emails, rosters, snack lists and practice schedules. I’m desperately searching for simplified rules for this league in order to brush-up on terminology and plays. And yet all the while reminding myself that these kids are 7- and 8-year-olds. They’ll hardly be able to nail a corner kick, let-alone know why they have to do it.

I’ve got a steno pad of notes, to-do’s, drill ideas, practice break-downs and notes. I’m having visions of thrilling them all with fun scenarios of bee hives as I explain to them that everyone clustering in a group during play isn’t a good idea — that they should spread out and pass the ball.

Chills. This is fun. This is fun to me. This is fun — not dressing up for a guy I’ve only met online, who has no idea who I am because he only liked my photos and didn’t even bother to read my dating profile but still wants to get together and spend time with me even though he has no idea who I am. This is fun to me — soccer is fun.

This is the epitome of refocusing. After the last few years of severe heartache, I’m getting excited that I may have found a new passion, and it’s not one where I have to hope the guy is mentally stable enough to keep a good thing while he has it. It’s got nothing to do with men — and I love it.

But Im still missing something. I still haven’t made an actual list of goals for my own life. The thought of doing it seems so ridiculous and awkward. Apparently that’s what we’re supposed to do, though. But like I said, it’s not that I don’t know what I want to do — it’s what do I want to do first? … hmm… Looks like it’s going to be coaching.

Being Single, Breakups, Dating, Dream, Goals, Life, My List Items, To-Do

The Importance of Goals

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When was the last time you jumped into a small boat and drifted into the ocean without oars? Oh… You’ve never done that? Why not? There seems to be an endless supply of reasons why we wouldn’t do that with a tiny boat, yet we do it with our lives every day. I cut unstable men loose constantly but eventually get pulled into someone else’s Crazytown Shore because I neglect to make solid goals for myself — goals that help me feel fulfilled. Instead, I get sucked into a nimrod’s toxic wasteland and spend months spinning down their emotional refuse drain until it takes all my strength to save myself again. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day.

I’ve got plenty of things I want to accomplish in life, but they are all currently just dreams. And the only difference between goals and dreams is a deadline. So far I have yet to set a meaningful plan in motion for any of my dreams.

I attempted documenting my day this past weekend in order to see where my time goes because I complain about having a lack of time to get things done. Until approximately 11am on Saturday — when a friend called and asked me to intervene property retrieval during the breakup with her boyfriend — I was somewhat focused. But after my friend’s phone call, I stopped documenting and completely lost focus. After a few hours of favors, I was completely scattered. And I completely forgot to document the rest of my day.

Attention Deficit Disorder, maybe? Hmm… Does it really matter? I tend to think if I focused on a goal — and the steps leading to that goal — I’d get there sooner. Right now I’m a hungry rat in a sewer chasing my tail with no direction.

I’ve got a few Mind Mapping apps that I’ve been thinking about using to take a look at what I want to accomplish next. A mind map is an octopus-like graph of ideas. It looks like this; this is a mind map of presidents:

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It’s basically the next-generation outline of thoughts and ideas that can be used to set and accomplish goals. The two apps that I’ve downloaded are:

IMG_8481.JPGSimpleMind+

IMG_8480.JPGMindMeister

The first ideas you jot are your dreams — your end goals. From those end goals, you create lines to smaller steps in the process. By the time you’re finished, you should have a general plan of steps it should take to accomplish your dreams.

I’m going to poke around with these and layout some dreams for myself. When I’m done I should be able to start planning deadlines and goals.

Have you used mind mapping? On what? How did it work out?

I’m currently convinced that without goals, I’ll end-up tying myself to another toxic situation. Instead, I want to tie myself to my dreams and make my life exponentially better by pouring the effort into myself instead of someone else. I think this is a fabulous idea and I’m convinced it’s going to work!