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IMG_0763.JPG Getting back together – or staying with – someone who lied and cheated is NOT a prize to me. I’m sorry, all those posts about working it out annoy me. Folks shouldn’t lie and cheat in the first place, and in my opinion the only one who wins in those cases are the people who lied and cheated.

Welcome to the series of posts that started 1YearOfSingle.

Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Dating Tips · Dysfunctional · Gross · Life · Marriage · Memories · Parents · Quotes · Recovery Help · Red Flags · Relationships

Stay Together for the Kids – Said No Therapist, Ever

IMG_0761.JPG There was a guy I dated that went back to his abusive ex wife for the kids. So instead of making a peaceful loving home for his kids he chose to continue the fighting and aggravation so that he didn’t have to spend money on a divorce. My father did the same thing years ago. After years of struggling to have a relationship with my father I finally cut ties. My ex doesn’t realize-and I’m not about to tell him-that by saving a few dollars he could potentially be losing his children forever. This decision he made is one of those decisions that changed my opinion of our relationship forever. If you can’t save your children I don’t want you. And that’s when I decided to let him go.

Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Dating Tips · Life · Marriage · Memories · OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries) · Quotes · Recovery Help · Red Flags · Relationships

What A Girl Wants

IMG_0754.JPG Have you ever had that internal conversation with yourself about your significant other, thinking “Why don’t they do this? or, “Why won’t they do that?” Chances are it’s nothing they want to do, it’s only something YOU would do. And that’s where the dilemma comes in. While you should know the things you want in a partner, you also need to realize it’s a list that most likely stems from your own personality traits. Why don’t they do it? Because it’s not in their personality – it’s in yours. And if it’s not in their personality, and you want it, ultimately THEY are not who you want. I was in shock thinking, “How can he NOT want an honest relationship where we work together as partners??” Then I realized – that’s what I want. HE didn’t want that.

Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Dysfunctional · Life · Marriage · Memories · Quotes · Recovery Help · Red Flags · Relationships

Coward & Validation

IMG_0753.JPG He still has no balls to say, “Hey, I’m sorry for making up that huge elaborate story about how I’m getting a divorce and that I tried to get my parents-in-law to get my ex-wife to sign the already drawn-up divorce paperwork THEN told you later that I never said any of that,” just watches me everywhere and gets on elevators with me trying to strike up conversations. No, thank you. Because I have nothing left to give you. But you know what would help? “I’m so sorry I wrecked you.” That would actually help. But if he doesn’t have the balls to remove his kids from a toxic environment, he definitely won’t have the balls to ever say, “I’m sorry.”

Alcoholics · Being Single · Breakups · Bucket List · Cheaters · Dating · Dating Tips · Dieting · Dysfunctional · Goals · Life · Marriage · Parents · Quotes · Recovery Help · Relationships

I Had it. You Have It.

IMG_0649.JPG Here’s something you may not have even considered: You have the power to save yourself. The strength to save yourself is like an old closet in your home. You may have forgotten it’s there, you may not use it as much as you used to – you may even be afraid to look inside. But when you do, you’ll be thrilled at the strength you forgot you had.

Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Dysfunctional · Funny! · Life · Marriage · Quotes · Recovery Help · Red Flags · SomeECards

Empathy for my Ex’s Ex

IMG_8353.PNGThe last two guys were relatively the same: Undercover assholes. Acting like their exes were bad people. But after they drove me crazy for years with their game-playing and lies, I realized their exes were probably made that way. I had sympathy. No – EMPATHY. And as a final straw, neither of these men were divorced, getting a divorce, etc, like they claimed. I want to send flowers to their wives. But on the flip side – THEY ULTIMATELY CHOOSE TO STAY WITH THOSE IDIOTS.

Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Dating Tips · Life · Marriage · Quotes · Recovery Help · Relationships

Find Yourself

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You should get tired of looking for in other people, the happiness and satisfaction you should find in yourself. Seek fulfillment through your own achievements. And don’t stop searching for your own personal passion until you find it. When you find it, you’ll know.

Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · photos · Quotes · Relationships

Nice & Dead

IMG_9368.JPGI need to remember this with my ex-husband especially. I find it difficult to remember an angry bipolar will be nice just because I’m continually being nice.

Alcoholics · Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Dysfunctional · Life · Red Flags · Relationships

Finally — Closure!

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I never really fully grasped the importance of closure until now. I’ve known of the importance of it, but up until the other day I hadn’t fully appreciated its affects.

For over a year I was being dragged along by a misguided, undeserving liar who repeatedly told me that he was divorcing his dysfunctional wife. There are a few reasons I had even bothered to entertain thoughts of dating him in the first place, most of which had nothing to do with my instinct or first opinion. I had ended it more than once only to allow myself to get sucked back into a very ridiculous adult high school-like drama. After months and many “looks” from him, we had an email conversation where he pretty-much proved his need to lie. Needless to say I was still disappointed in him, but with this round of torture, I also found the very much needed Closure.

This guy is crazy.

As he attempted to weave spells of magic around the last year of lies that he’s spilled while drunk, I realized, “This guy is not only toxic, but he’s never going to change, and he doesn’t want to.” And I realized he’s just like my alcoholic ex-husband.

And so the shackles have opened and I finally see him in a new light — which is awesome, but I feel lost as well. I feel alone in the world. Strange — considering I’ve got plenty of friends.

I think this permanent closure has opened my world for me, but without having — or better yet: Constantly focusing on my — goals, I feel lost. There’s overhanging “residue” from my mother who insisted my life goal was to meet someone and get married.

Screw that. I have closure. I’m holding my closure close and protecting it like a homeless man with a freshly baked baguette.

Closure is awesome. I don’t check my many forms of communication for signs of his toxicity anymore. I now pity him. What a fool. He’s accepting a life of negativity. What a shame. Oh well.

The day I had received the closure I needed and I was finally done with him, I wanted to skip through the halls. I couldn’t, but I’ll settle for this:

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Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Life · Relationships

Where I’m Going

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The last few months I’ve been contemplating my little journey of one year of single. It started when the last guy decided to go back to his abusive wife and I was again left feeling like being a self-assured, good person wasn’t getting me anywhere. Guys seem to want a-holes so they don’t have to live up to any expectations.

Men say they don’t want drama, but they return to suicidal cheaters. They say they want loyal girls, but they cheat and return to cheaters. They say they want good girls, but they’re jerks and date only jerks who have a multitude of problems.

And yet they say I have drama because I stopped talking to abusive parents? How is that any worse than continuously being involved with abusive parents? I made the move. I did the work. As far as I’m concerned, these guys are drama because they haven’t made the move or done the work.

So while I haven’t written many posts in weeks, it’s been on my mind constantly. I’m vastly different than I was last year. I’ve learned a lot, and yet I still feel like I’m only part-way through this journey.

In the last few weeks alone I’ve overcome and handled a few obstacles regarding men that I would have dove head-first into last year. For example, when he bends the lie enough to seem truthful, I would have accepted the relationship again. Today, I see it for what it is: an immature attempt to manipulate the truth.

I don’t have time for that and I’m not looking for that as the foundation of a relationship. And after this past year I can honestly add that I’m finally not even wanting a relationship. I’ll gladly start a friendship with any guy that may eventually lead to something more, but jumping into something heavy? I’m not there yet.

Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Dating Tips · Dysfunctional · Life · Marriage · Quotes · Relationships

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Sometimes I forget this. People who complain endlessly seem to want help, and coming from my background, I just assume others want to be helped as well. But not everyone does, and lots of time the hand that tries to help gets bitten. Pull back. Focus on yourself. We broke up with these people for a reason, don’t question your decision. And most of all, take care of you.

Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Life · Quotes · Relationships

You were in love with who you wanted, not who he really was

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Over the last few decades I’ve witnessed a ridiculously large amount of people declare that the latest love of their lives had “changed,” the relationships went sour, and all had turned to Poo. But now that I’ve fully digested over 10 years of therapy, I would like to confidently assert that those loves didn’t change, they finally allowed their true selves to be revealed.

How many of you had relationships that started-out great, but fizzled after one to six months? It’s my belief that your partners in those relationships didn’t change, they just reverted back to their actual selves.

If the general consensus is that “people don’t ever really change,” then how can we openly swear that our relationships changed? “He was so attentive at the beginning!” or “She changed, man, she used to be cool about me going out.”

It’s Poo! People really don’t change, they just attempt to fit a predetermined mold. And because of that I’m revealing this dating ditty: Those people were pulling the wool over your eyes! They were snowing you! They were trying to force a relationship for their own agenda.

One thing my incredibly insecure, insensitive, out-of-state ex-boyfriend said that was true was, “People always eventually reveal their true colors.” And just like he revealed his true self (in the form of manipulative, jealousy-driven mind games) so too will other couples as they become more comfortable in their relationships and less concerned with impressing the other partner. They revert.

Now generally this would not be a problem if we didn’t fall madly in love with who we thought the other person was. When the breakup comes and we’re suffering in months of shock, it’s the reversion that we’re really hating because the façade wasn’t real. It didn’t exist. We weren’t dating a person, we were dating an ideology.

How do you prevent this? Well, thats tough. Sometimes we’re so excited about the possibilities of new romance that we jump the gun and allow our hope to turn to assumption that the partner is everything we want them to be.

This is where (I’m guessing) being “Friends First” is probably the best bet. It allows both people to get to know each other without the pressures of dating perfection. The problem is that if you’re using a dating site, the assumption of potential ever-lasting love is already clouding the waters. And that’s a blog post for another day…

– 1YOS

Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Dating Tips · Dysfunctional · Life · Recovery Help · Relationships

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Got to let it go. Refocus on good. Step away from the keyboard, put down the phone and let it go. There’s someone much more mature out there who will be proud of you for doing so when you tell them about your ex.

Breakups · Cheaters · Dysfunctional · Life · Marriage · Memories · OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries) · Red Flags · Relationships

Cheaters Sometimes Win

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I’ve heard of folks going back to someone who cheated on them because the cheater begged for forgiveness. By then the trust was blown to bits, but they’d still go back. “I feel like I should try again, just so I can say I did try again.” They’d breakup with the rebound and return to the cheater.

And they’d be miserable, waiting for their past relationship — before the cheater contemplated cheating — to resurrect itself. The problem is that once someone cheats, the relationship is never the same. Why? Because the cheater has finally revealed their true selves. Their true intentions.

At that point iff the couple “tries again,” they’re just “settling.” The cheater begged forgiveness because they know they’ve ruined a good thing, but more so because they want the partner to see them once more in that angelic light.

Someone who goes back to a cheater is just settling. And the cheater won.

Being Single · Breakups · Cheaters · Dating · Dysfunctional · Life · Marriage · Red Flags · Relationships

“I’m sorry” Goes a Long Way

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The dumbest thing I never did was get involved with someone from work. I know the rule, yet for some reason I blanked out, bypassing that rule and a major red flag on the first date. A year later, after catching him in a tremendous lie, I’m forced to see him in the halls, catch him looking at me and turning away. It’s heartbreaking, and I have to relive it every day. It’s like God’s punishing me for ignoring a red flag. I failed the test.

What’s worse is the fact that I see him looking at me and yet he can’t bring himself to say, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” You’d be surprised how these words can help and heal, and yet he doesn’t say them. But at the same time, he didn’t have the strength to divorce an abusive wife, so how would he possibly find the strength to apologize?

Right now I’m in a constant cycle of healing and hurting. It’s like as soon as I start healing he’s suddenly in the halls, passing me 400 times a day and the wound becomes fresh again.

I’m tired of it. I want to heal. I was healing, yet I have no idea what happened. Like a scab picked open and bleeding again. And every time my focus goes back to, “What kind of a man destroys someone else, and never says, ‘I’m sorry?’ “