Answer This!, Being Single, Bitstrips, Breakups, Bucket List, Dating, Dysfunctional, Follow Me!, Goals, Life, love, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Recovery Help, Relationships, To-Do

Unhealthy Men Like Unavailable Women

1Yos
I literally wore this outfit today

Match.com leaves your profile online even after you’ve gone through the deletion process. I know this because years ago I deleted my profile and received the “your profile is deleted, but will be on display until…” reply. I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted the profile down immediately. If it’s still on display, it’s not really deleted, is it?

Match not only didn’t remove my profile when I wanted it to, but it continued to slam me with notifications and emails. I was then forced to change my profile to reflect that I’m no longer willing to be in the dating game, especially on Match.com. “This profile has been deleted,” I wrote. “Please don’t contact me.” Yet I was still slammed with countless emails from guys who either didn’t read my profile, or thought I’d be a fun challenge. Either way, it only proved they were mentally unhealthy.

Therapy_CanWeTalkI had a brief discussion with my then-therapist about this.

“If they’re trying to contact me,” I began, “despite me explaining the situation and vividly expressing that I’m no longer interested in dating—isn’t it really just revealing their unwillingness to get involved with someone who is available?” I asked. Yes, the therapist agreed.

“So even if their profile seems solid,” I continued, “I should probably still not bother because they’re trying to get involved with an emotionally unavailable girl, yes?” Yes, the therapist agreed again.

Hot damn, I thought, Men are just like us. They want to get involved with unavailable women. They may not even realize it themselves, we concluded. It may all be on a subconscious level.

Good God, I thought. I sat back in shock for a minute, proud of myself for the revelation, humored that I could finally see the Matrix, but dismayed over the reality of it all. Logically speaking, the theory actually proves that men who fight for their women are actually mentally unhealthy.

Soak that in. How many of us have wanted our guy to fight for us in some manner or another? So in essence, do we want them to be mentally unhealthy?

My mind was spinning. I left the therapist’s office feeling defeated. I thought about the MarriedGuy who went back to his unstable wife, “fighting” to make his marriage work. Sad, I thought, but good riddance. I realized that if he was willing to take-back someone who was that unhealthy, he couldn’t possibly be healthy enough for me. And I realized as my own self-awareness and self-assurance grew, the dating pool shrank. Significantly.

I crossed New York City’s midtown streets on my way back to work,  still thinking about how the dating pool was becoming nothing more than a dried-up puddle. The thought repeated in my mind. Unhealthy men like unavailable women.

In all honesty, women do the same thing. My friends and I clocked plenty of hours chasing unavailable men. So we can’t sit-back and say it’s just the men. It’s everyone. But that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it.

Unstable men like unavailable women. The thought persisted. I started wondering if the level of unavailability in women mattered. What if a women just didn’t want to get involved because she wanted to live her life for a while? There should be a difference between busy women and women who blatantly say “hell no,” right?

My solution is to find out. I’ve been researching all the things that I’ve wanted to do over the years, but never had time for. While my original “1 Year of Single” has been over for a few years now, I still want to use my 1-year, yet this time it’ll be 1 Year of Rediscovery. 1 year of rediscovering myself and things I love to do. Have you ever spent a specific amount of time purposely rediscovering yourself? That’s what I’ll be doing. And I guarantee, it won’t include spending time on Match.com.

xoxo
-1Yos

 

Being Single, Breakups, Bucket List, Dating, Dating Tips, Divorce, Dream, Follow Me!, Goals, Life, Marriage, Quotes, Recovery Help, Relationships, To-Do

Choose Wisely

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/b3f/52627338/files/2015/01/img_0760-0.jpg Every decision we make has answers based in two choices: Happiness and Fear. Sometimes we fear happiness, and sometimes we fool ourselves into being happy with the fear we know so well. Let’s move past the confusion this year. Embrace the tough road if it leads to happiness. You’re not alone.

Being Single, Breakups, Bucket List, Cheaters, Dating, Dating Tips, Dysfunctional, Follow Me!, Goals, Gross, Life, Marriage, Memories, Quotes, Recovery Help, Red Flags, Relationships

Happiness Reset

IMG_0797.JPG When It first really hit me that I was going to have to divorce my alcoholic husband, I went into a state of shock. I had put so much faith, hope and trust in him and our future that the realization of divorce hit me like a brick wall. But knowing I couldn’t erase the past or fix an alcoholic, I knew I had reached an important point in my life and one of two choices had to be made: 1.) Act like a victim and take the “woah is me” path that my parents hoped I’d take, living a life of victim, where my son would eventually have a heartbreaking life of similar dysfunction B.) Get the hell out, cut out the toxic people, find happiness and give my son a fighting chance. I chose B. Unfortunately not everyone has the strength to choose B. I still worry about my ex-boyfriend and his children, and how his choice to return to a toxic marriage will ultimately destroy him and his children. I do pray for them. But it’s a choice he made. And anyone who makes a choice like that is not for me.

Alcoholics, Being Single, Breakups, Bucket List, Cheaters, Dating, Dating Tips, Dieting, Dysfunctional, Goals, Life, Marriage, Parents, Quotes, Recovery Help, Relationships

I Had it. You Have It.

IMG_0649.JPG Here’s something you may not have even considered: You have the power to save yourself. The strength to save yourself is like an old closet in your home. You may have forgotten it’s there, you may not use it as much as you used to – you may even be afraid to look inside. But when you do, you’ll be thrilled at the strength you forgot you had.

Being Single, Breakups, Bucket List, Dating, Follow Me!, Funny!, Life, Memories, photos, Quotes, Recovery Help, Relationships, SomeECards

Turn Back the Clocks

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Ha ha ha… Nah. I wouldn’t want to live through all that again, but I do wonder how my life would have been different if “I knew then what I know now.” There are times when I feel like I just started learning how to date. Yet, mix that with my age and I feel like I’m at the end of the line. Yes – I’m very hard on myself and that includes my age. To 20-somethings, I’m a mom. To 30-somethings, I’m “hot! Oh wait-she’s how old?? To 40-somethings, I’m invisible. To 50-somethings, I’m a fresh petite filet fresh off the gourmet grill. I feel passed-over at every stage of life, but luckily at this point I’m counting on it. I no longer yearn for someone to spend time with doing new things and having new adventures. I stopped scanning rooms and commuter trains for eligible guys. At this point if I do see someone I think, “How can he possibly improve my life?” Ah, now thats what a year has done. So turn back the clock? Maybe to this past Friday during an awesome Halloween with my son, or a few Fridays ago during cocktails with Friends.

Being Single, Breakups, Bucket List, Dating, Fitness, Goals, Life, My List Items, Relationships, To-Do

New School Year, New Focus

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I’ve been wallowing in “Where am I going with my life?” lately. And it’s not even “What do I want to do?” as much as “What do I want to do next?” I’ve got a mental laundry list of things I’d like to do in life, but no idea where to start.

A few weeks ago I received the typical emails from my son’s school pertaining to his soccer league. I’ve been an athlete most of my life — mainly softball MVP — but also squeezed in a few years of high school soccer. So when the email arrived asking for volunteer parents, I asked my son what he thought about me coaching. He loved it.

“I’ve never coached soccer before,” I explained to him, “Too bad you’re not on the baseball team.” He didn’t care. He was thrilled at potentially having his mom as the coach. So with a bit of anxiety due to a lack of time as well as a relatively dusty soccer memory, I joined.

A few weeks and one coachs’ meeting later I’m knee deep in emails, rosters, snack lists and practice schedules. I’m desperately searching for simplified rules for this league in order to brush-up on terminology and plays. And yet all the while reminding myself that these kids are 7- and 8-year-olds. They’ll hardly be able to nail a corner kick, let-alone know why they have to do it.

I’ve got a steno pad of notes, to-do’s, drill ideas, practice break-downs and notes. I’m having visions of thrilling them all with fun scenarios of bee hives as I explain to them that everyone clustering in a group during play isn’t a good idea — that they should spread out and pass the ball.

Chills. This is fun. This is fun to me. This is fun — not dressing up for a guy I’ve only met online, who has no idea who I am because he only liked my photos and didn’t even bother to read my dating profile but still wants to get together and spend time with me even though he has no idea who I am. This is fun to me — soccer is fun.

This is the epitome of refocusing. After the last few years of severe heartache, I’m getting excited that I may have found a new passion, and it’s not one where I have to hope the guy is mentally stable enough to keep a good thing while he has it. It’s got nothing to do with men — and I love it.

But Im still missing something. I still haven’t made an actual list of goals for my own life. The thought of doing it seems so ridiculous and awkward. Apparently that’s what we’re supposed to do, though. But like I said, it’s not that I don’t know what I want to do — it’s what do I want to do first? … hmm… Looks like it’s going to be coaching.

Breakups, Bucket List, Cheaters, Dating, Dating Tips, Dysfunctional, Life, OMG WTF? (Aka: Crazy Discoveries), Red Flags, Relationships

Meet the face of a fake online dating profile! I discovered this fake Match.com profile after I was supposed to meet the guy. This really shouldn’t be a shock, but since I was supposed to meet the guy, I’m slightly freaked out – for all I know he could have been a serial rapist. How did I discover it was a fake profile? I was Googling facial expressions when the guys profile photo turned up in the search results!  

A veteran online-dater friend of mine, Jessica, said, “Oh yeah — as soon as you see a professional photo you’ll know it’s a fake profile.” Not a bad theory, but I’m a photographer — I’ve photographed guys for online dating sites. So I’m prone to think if the guy has attention to detail, he’s potentially going to get a real photo taken of himself, no?

How do you weed out the wackos? And what was the guy’s real intention? And who the hell was it, really? And why must everyone lie? This guy’s fake profile just set-me-off thinking about the guy I just broke from, and the gigantic, heart crushing lie that he told. Do you see the can of worms it opened?

I’ve reset the 1 Year Of Single date twice now, but it looks like three’s a charm! I think part of me was still hoping for some kind of divine intervention, where a higher power bestowed a great-partner reward on me even though I shouldn’t have been looking in the first place. And yet part of me can’t help but realize that between my fabulous little son and myself, we don’t really need anyone else.

In any case, what do you do if you discover someone has been lying? I would think it depends on the severity of the lie. Someone who tells you that you look good when you’ve clearly gone overboard in the Tostitos department shouldn’t be sliced from your life. But if you’re like me and you’ve been told a whopping lie so shocking that it sets you sputtering for an hour, these are just a few of my suggestions:

Completely Cut It Off
This is much easier said than done, especially when you’ve been blindsided after finally believing that you may have a future with the fool. But my suggestion is to cut off everything about them immediately. This includes:

  • No calls
  • No Emails
  • No “friendly reminders”
  • No fulfilling “Well, we always used to…” routines
  • No attending bars, gyms or clubs that they go to
  • No chit-chatting with their friends or family
  • Remove them from every friend list on every site you know
  • Change their cell name to “Do Not Answer” or change their name to describe their lie “Do Not Answer – Lied About Divorce.”
  • Remove all reminders of them from every calendar you have so it doesn’t pop up when you least expect it

Remake Your Fun Wish List
I’ve been slacking on this more than I thought I’d be. I have yet to climb a rock wall or even make a goal list. So far the most I’ve done is complete a Match.com profile. Bad. Bad girl.

The meatier tactics you could take are:

Change Departments or Jobs
After Halle Berry told-off Eddie Murphy in Boomerang, she got herself a new job. Consider it. Chances are if you’ve accepted behavior like this from a lover, you’re probably allowing it at work from co-workers or bosses as well. You deserve more.

Change Your Cell Number
I always found this one shocking, and it feels very mean – but if you can do it, you’re golden. If they ever try to contact you again it sends a clear message that you won’t tolerate their sh!t. Uhm… No, I haven’t… But I’m working on it.

Whatever you do, do NOT – I repeat, do NOT:

Do Not Stalk Them
So they left you for a whore or a man-slut. If they can’t see how fabulous you are, they can’t be too bright now, can they? The last thing you want to do is provide fodder for the fool to feel justified. Hold back the crazy and refocus on yourself.

Do Not Stalk Their New Partner
Ew. Why would you want to, anyway? Again – if they’re not bright enough to choose you, why bother? It’s like standing at the meat counter in the grocery store and yelling at the folks who choose chuck over sirloin. Seriously – if you have to explain it, you’re better off without them.

The last few weeks for me have been a wide slap in the face, considering I gave the same person a repeated chance, then ran into someone else’s fake dating profile. Oh we’re all fools for love, don’t pretend otherwise. It’s the few of us that are able to bend our energies into refocusing on what we want, instead of what we don’t want, that make it through the wreckage.

— 1YOS

Being Single, Bitches I Love, Bucket List, Dysfunctional, Life, My List Items, To-Do

Clean House

20140310-183623.jpgI’m newly in love with Niecy Nash and the crew of “Clean House” since I’ve been watching in on Netflix while I clean my own place. But honestly – while I love the entire group – my admiration is mostly for Nash. She makes me laugh with her vibrant sassiness!

One woman on the show owned a “coffee table” that was previously used in India – centuries ago – to “cart the dead.” The woman didn’t want to sell the nasty ol’ thing in a garage sale. Really? Cause dead people DNA on the bottom of your glass of iced tea isn’t a problem? Hello! Uh!

Since watching the show I’ve cleaned out two closets, bagged and donated three garbage bags of useful clothing, and compiled a list of sellable items.

Let’s put “Clean House” on my To-Do list and cross it off, cause baby – a Clean House has been a desire of mine since leaving my dysfunctional parents’ home! I’m well on my way to uncluttered happiness! Uh!

Bucket List, Funny!, Gross, Life, My List Items, To-Do

My leg is JACKED!

Ever have a cardiologist tell you your veins were incompetent? I’ve known morons that were incompetent and some men that were incompetent, and even some moronic men that were incompetent, but my veins? Scary!Clearly I'm upset that my leg looks nasty.

One of my Bucket List items is the removal of some incompetent veins in my leg. For God’s sake I’d like to be able to wear a skirt in the summer without scaring small children. This is basically a sterile way of saying my leg looks like someone beat it with a Louisville Slugger.Now, because I am prone to exaggeration, I will tell you that it’s really not that bad – so maybe not a Louisville Slugger – a Sur La Table meat tenderizer, perhaps.

Welcome the endless cardiologist visits to Huntington Medical Group on Long Island, New York. Because after all, if you’re going to have cardiology issues, what better place to go than a town apply named similarly to the sunny beaches of California? My leg is jacked!

But alas, no sun and surf in Huntington Medical Group, just sunny receptionists and a very knowledgeable cardiologist who explained why my vein is as useless as a soggy balloon animal. And that before surgery I have to try a “compression stocking.”

Have you ever tried to put on a compression stocking? What about a tourniquet? Tried a tourniquet?

A compression stocking isn’t like anything you’ve ever stuffed your body into before. Picture Spanx on steroids. Then make it tighter. Apparently compression stockings are supposed to squeeze the life out of you so much so that it forces any remaining body liquids back up to your heart. This can’t possibly be good, but the insurance company thinks it’s fabulous. Probably because they’ve never tried to wear tourniquets.

So I sat on my bathroom floor with what I thought was going to be a helpful pile of sturdy nylon, when in reality it was a torture device that terrorists use in order to bring on sudden panic attacks of the likes of which no war hero has ever seen before. After struggling with the thing for a good ten minutes, I was only able to get it up to my knee. At that point I felt like a surgeon was going to bust into my bathroom and sever my leg. I had to remind myself that I’m not diabetic and my leg is fine, but nervous panic sweat kept popping out on my forehead. Get this tourniquet off me!

Most nylon-wearing folks already know that with typical stockings, you can stretch them open enough to pull them up your leg, then insert your other leg into the remaining stocking hole. With compression stockings, you can’t do that. You can’t “spread” them or stretch them because they’re already tight as hell. In fact, I’m pretty sure if you looked up “tight as hell” in the Urban Dictionary, there would be a picture of compression stockings. And possibly a secondary image of me on the bathroom floor covered in a panic sweat.

Can you imagine paying $60 for nylons that do nothing better than send you to a psych ward? And to think that psych wards would wrap people in arm-tight jackets. No wonder patients rarely recovered. I know the Kings Park Psychiatric Center in Kings Park, New York is closed, but I would still consider checking around the decaying closets for any remaining compression stockings. Needless to say, I had to rip mine off before my mind punctured the barrier between sane and schizoid.

And unfortunately I now have the “privilege” of explaining to the cardiologist that the compression stockings are about as competent as my vein. Xanax