You’re old if…

A quick browse through WordPress and I was left thinking, ”Omg… Am I old??” Between yesterday and literally right now, a few things have happened that are making me downright cringe. If any of these have happened to you, you could be old! (Ignore typos — I’m dictating this via Siri while trying to not kill myself on a treadmill! Tnx!)

You’re tired of hiding Muffin-Top.

I mention muffin-top in the list of things that need to be done after a break-up. Working-out and getting in shape is necessary! I’ve noticed that when we’re happily single — just as when we are happily in a relationship — we tend to ignore the muffin-top. Only recently have I actually thought, “You know what? I’m so freaking tired of trying to hide the muffin-top.” This is more of a tenacity thing than a desire. It’s the constant struggle in that passing of time that reveals my oldness.

I’m old.

You don’t care if a cute guy walks by.

Because they don’t. The gamut of good-looking men has shrunken significantly to the point where I don’t even look anymore. And if I do see someone who’s good-looking, chances are they’re married, gay, or a dick-pic-sender. So I really stopped looking. Completely.

You can’t get out of bed in the morning.

My grandparents woke daily at four in the morning! I’m not sure if that was an Italian thing or an 85-year-old thing. Either way, that’s not me, because I can’t get up in the morning. I hit the snooze button three times before the alarm in my head starts going off. But then again, it’s because I can’t go to sleep at night — there’s too much to do. And this is where being old comes in. From cleaning the kitchen to taking my night class and getting my son to bed. There’s way too much to do. I remember being in my teens and 20s, getting to sleep around nine, 10 o’clock at night during the week. No more. Now its midnight every night — without fail. I’m old. And I’m tired. LOL

You hate exercising.

I used to love exercising. I’d strap on sneakers and run through town. Now it annoys the shit out of me. I don’t know if it’s because I feel my ass going up and down every time I jog, or because it takes up the time that I need to get everything done during the day. Either way, exercising and I are currently not friends.

The good-looking guys don’t look at you anymore.

I was blonde. I was in shape. I am not anymore. Nobody cares. LOL. If you have to verbally talk about how good-looking you used to be-you’re old.

You have a child. And your child says you’re old.

Your little peanut says you’re old. A.) Your “little peanut” is now 16 and B.) can accurately articulate the biological reasons for why you are old. Your child asks “Are you really gonna wear that?” and grabs your muffin-top. You’re old.

You can’t wait to get to work because that’s where your friends are.

When we were younger, our friends were outside of work. We’d leave work and go to the bar to laugh and have fun. We’d hang out at their homes. We didn’t go to work to see close friends because we hadn’t worked there 20 years. Yet. It just doesn’t happen unless you’re old. As time passes, our friends get married. Have kids. Their houses “are a mess.” Everyone starts saying things like, “let’s meet at Starbucks — you don’t wanna see my house, it’s a mess right now.” So you see less and less of your childhood friends, and more and more of the folks at work. And quite frankly, want to get money so that we can pay the bills. We’re old.

We have no idea who North West is.

I used to think Northwest was a direction. Now, apparently, it’s a child. I’m old, and I don’t care, I don’t care about celebrities–they don’t pay my bills, they don’t raise my child, and they don’t beat up the obnoxious PTA mom when she posts what her pretty princess is wearing to the fifth-grade prom. I’m old. And I don’t care. Lol

If you said “Yes!” to one of these, join me in a virtual hug. We worked hard to get here. So embrace it. And our muffin-tops.

Xoxo

-1Yos