He doesn’t like you. Get over it.

If a guy doesn’t like you, chances are you know it. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself so you over analyze every text he sends you and tell your friends that he hates you so they are forced to be like “omg nooooo he totally likes you, why else would he come over at 3 am when he’s blackout and eat the quesadilla you made him then pass out in your bed?” If you don’t think he likes you, go against your instincts to drunk text him “come over and bring your handcuffs and Taco Bell lol” and read these tips instead so you can avoid looking like a fucking idiot. You’re welcome.

If he

1. suddenly comes down with a mysterious illness the night of your birthday party
2. had time to tweet, update his status and/or change his profile picture after he read your text…